The StuSie

Point Counterpoint: Der Bush vs. der Mistfink

I realize that this may seem to you to be a battle of David and Goliath - an elementary-school aged kid with bad hygiene in a battle of wits with the most important figure in the modern world - but I promise you: der Mistfink has some pretty darn convincing idears too, and he's gonna stay the course, explaining them in the plainest English possible so all you folks out there can understand them too. Can the lowly sling defeat the might of neo-conservative reason, or has Bush finally learned that he has to hit the nail on the head, finally giving his melon a much-needed rest? You, my dear reader, be the judge.

Herr Moderator: Today's battle royale will be on the much-talked-about topic of Iraq. We all know that Iraq is less than safe to be wandering the streets, but the burning question is, can and is the United States armed forces winning the battle against Isla--....evil? We will begin the discussion by talking about the recent elections, hailed as a great success by almost every single Republican. Mr. Bush, you have the floor...

Mr. Bush: "This election will not mean the end of violence. But it is the beginning of something new: constitutional democracy at the heart of the Middle East. And this vote -- 6,000 miles away, in a vital region of the world -- means that America has an ally of growing strength in the fight against terror."

Der Mistfink: "Well, Mr. Bush, it's comforting that the Iraqis are going to be blessed with something new. It's just a damn shame its not even close to what they wanted. And all of this right before Christmas. They were probably sitting there getting their hopes up, thinking that the Christians would have some charity and give them the sweet gift of getting the hell out of their country (some 74% of Iraqis think the American troops should leave immediately). Instead we bring a form of government that 1. is completely incompatible with cultural norms in Iraq, 2. is probably the most inefficient form of organization for a country with little or no infrastructure, and 3. was brought to them by a regime that, shall we say, can't seem to figure out for itself what democracy is. Surely 'jubilation' about these elections will have broken out in the streets already. You just better wear your hard hat and a flak jacket. And Mr. Bush, until you can walk the streets of Bagdhad without being 'rendered' by Iraqis in a New York minute, you're officially banned from calling Iraq an ally."

Mr. Bush: "All who had a part in this achievement -- Iraqis, Americans, and coalition partners -- can be proud. Yet our work is not done. There is more testing and sacrifice before us. I know many Americans have questions about the cost and direction of this war. So tonight I want to talk to you about how far we have come in Iraq, and the path that lies ahead."

Der Mistfink: "Coalition partners? Are we still playing this 'we-didn't-go-it-alone' card? Honestly, Goliath, I thought you had some brains under that huge brush-topped helmet of yours. But at least you've made clear that you will be asking for another 200 billion clams and a couple thousand American lives in the near future. It would be a shame to receive that news on short notice. But I'm all ears on the direction thing. This oughta be good..."

Mr. Bush: "Since the removal of Saddam, this war -- like other wars in our history -- has been difficult. The mission of American troops in urban raids and desert patrols -- fighting Saddam loyalists and foreign terrorists -- has brought danger and suffering and loss. This loss has caused sorrow for our whole nation -- and it has led some to ask if we are creating more problems than we are solving.
That is an important question, and the answer depends on your view of the war on terror. If you think the terrorists would become peaceful if only America would stop provoking them, then it might make sense to leave them alone."

Der Mistfink: "Ahh...now you're speaking my language..."

Mr. Bush: "This is not the threat I see. I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Islam in the service of radical political aims -- a vision in which books are burned, and women are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed. Terrorist operatives conduct their campaign of murder with a set of declared and specific goals -- to demoralize free nations, to drive us out of the Middle East, to spread an empire of fear across that region and to wage a perpetual war against America and our friends."

Der Mistfink: "...shit, somehow I knew that was coming...let's perform a little experiment: a new word here, an adjustment there, and, Presto! : "I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Christianity in the service of radical political aims -- a vision in which the constitution is shat upon, and minorities are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed (I didn't have to change that part). Terrorist governments conduct their campaign of murder with a set of declared and specific goals -- to demoralize nations of strategic importance, to drive any alternative form of government out of the Middle East, to spread an empire of fear across that region and to wage a perpetual war against Islam and their friends (I barely had to change that one either).""

Mr. Bush: "These terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield -- and they seek to attack us wherever they can. This has attracted al Qaeda to Iraq, where they are attempting to frighten and intimidate America into a policy of retreat."

Der Mistfink: "I'm not even going to justify that with a response. I'll let you plug in the words."

Mr. Bush: "September 11th, 2001 required us to take every emerging threat to our country seriously, and it shattered the illusion that terrorists attack us only after we provoke them. On that day, we were not in Iraq, we were not in Afghanistan, but the terrorists attacked us anyway -- and killed nearly 3,000 men, women, and children in our own country."

Der Mistfink: "So obviously, the logical response is to go there, rape, pillage and burn, and then say they started it. And shame on them for bringing the war to someone else's country. It's much more polite to invite them to your country first, then kill them."

Herr Moderator: "Well, Herr Mistfink, I see that you have a sharp tongue in addition to that abhorrent stench eminating from your person. But now I would like to hear some closing statements. What do we do with the clusterfuck that is Iraq?"

Mr. Bush: "...now there are only two options before our country -- victory or defeat. And the need for victory is larger than any president or political party, because the security of our people is in the balance. I do not expect you to support everything I do, but tonight I have a request: do not give in to despair, and do not give up on this fight for freedom.
Next week, Americans will gather to celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. Many families will be praying for loved ones spending this season far from home -- in Iraq, Afghanistan, or other dangerous places. Our nation joins in those prayers. We pray for the safety and strength of our troops. We trust, with them, in a love that conquers all fear, and a light that reaches the darkest corners of the Earth.
And we remember the words of the Christmas carol, written during the Civil War: "God is not dead, nor [does] He sleep; the Wrong shall fail, the Right prevail, with peace on Earth, good-will to men."
Thank you, and good night."

Der Mistfink: "Iraq has been in some form of antogonism to the western world for decades, but this is a conflict that never should have ballooned into a war of this magnitude, and the current and persistent unrest in the entire country (and the parallel disgust that is present in surrounding countries) is proof that this 'clash of cultures' runs perhaps deeper than most expected. I think we need to stop looking at things in black and white, right and wrong, and think about why the 'terrorists' are fighting us, why many Muslims are breaking off into anti-American, anti-Western sects. You can use loaded words all day long and incite people to be perversely patriotic for your side all day long, but is this really all that different from those 'cowards'? With such a philosophy, the conflict remains, and the war will remain. The 'war' in Iraq will not be won until we begin to address these questions.
Wisdom is not projecting your thoughts, stereotypes, and biases onto others, but being able to observe your own actions in relation to those going on around you. Until the dichotomy of 'us and them' can be overcome by politicians like you, Mr. Bush, we will continue to fear those on the other side, and we will continue to have to sacrifice innocent people in the name of ignorance. And by the way, Christmas? Hannukah? What about Kwanzaa?!"

posted by der Mistfink @ 07:16