The StuSie

Just a Wii bit retarded

I bet you thought Nintendo scrapped the whole 'we-should-come-up-with-a-way-to-make- dorito-eating-couch-dwelling-video- game-freaks-skinny-again' thing with the less-than-glorious fall of the Power Pad. Well, you were a 'Wii' bit wrong, because Nintendo's latest is a two handed controller with motion sensors. Yup, no more just pressing 'A' and watching your little marioesque tennis guy smashing a perfect overhead. Now youse gotta hit the ball yourself, you pathetic loser. By swinging the pictured suspicously-similar-to-the-original-Nintendo right hand controller (that's right, lefthanders, see you in hell) fast or slow, angled up or down, you can hit a hard or soft topspin or backspin ball over the net. Sounds straightforward enough, but I have just one question: if you're going to spend your precious 8 hours per day normally spent shootin Nazis/non-white terrorists and summoning magic whatnot on various hobgoblins and archmagi etc., instead mastering the precise movements of the new Wii controller, why not get the hell out of the house with some of your other hypernerd friends and play some bloody tennis. Maybe you'll look more human, too, after exposing your albinised skin to that big yellow orb called the sun.
The only thing I could think about when I read this article was that after toing (sp?) the line for years, the video game industry has finally gone too far. Our society is ill enough with cell phones, Hummers and Robbie Williams. What is somehow sick and ironic about playing tennis on the new Wii is that it takes these disturbed pixel-addicts tantalyzingly close to becoming a member of a healthy active community. But lo, you would never be able to get that hot girl on the screen to ever play tennis with you in real life, because you're still a loser sitting in front of a flat screen that you just spent a months' McDonald's pay on. Congratulations, you're hip...you're with it, you've got the latest in gaming technology.

posted by der Mistfink @ 09:57