The StuSie

Clash of Civilisations

2007-06-15T06:08:00.000-05:00

To when can we trace the roots of the so-called, ‚Clash of Civilisations’ between Christendom and Islam that the Twenty-First Century is, according to many intellectuals, characterised by and embroiled in?

We could pick the date of the foundation of the State of Israel, officially recognised by President Truman in 1948 and the subequent first Arab-Israeli war, or the actions of the Stern gang, a group of Jewish ‘extremists’ who assassinated, amongst others, a UN mediator (Count Folke Bernadotte, who, during the second world war negotiated the release of 15,000 concentration camp prisoners) for suggesting that Jerusalem should be under Palestinian administration.

We could also, arbitrarily, pick the date of the fall from power of Mohammed Mossadeq, the democratically elected leader of Iran, who, as a result of a CIA and MI6 (Operation Ajax) supported coup carried out ostensibly to oust a communist dictator, was overthrown and spent the rest of his life in prison. The real reasons for this coup however, were to protect the interests of Western companies in Iran (in particular British Petroleum) from the dreaded threat of nationalisation which would have meant that the vast oil wealth of Iran (9% of the world’s proved reserves) would have gone to the people of that country. As we all surely know, this coup led to the installation of the Shah, a puppet leader who brutally suppressed opposition to his rule, supported by the West and the dreaded SAVAK (the Iranian secret police). In light of these facts it is therefore unsurprising that the Iranian revolution of 1979 and the installation of a more democratic government than had hitherto existed under the Shah, led the American government to declare Iran a rogue state. It is also unsurprising that Iran now refers to the US as ‘the great satan’. If we reversed the situation and it were an Iranian supported putsch of the democratically elected government of the UK or USA we were discussing, there would be little need to explain the hatred, outrage and contempt we would hold for the Iranians for their interference in our affairs and government.

Or perhaps the funding of Al-Quaeda (The Base), by the CIA in their struggle against communist aggressors in Afghanistan which led to a situation analogous in some respects to the Spanish Civil War where thousands of freedom fighters rallied to the cause of their oppressed brothers, among them people such as Osama Bin Laden, who received training from the CIA and also worked as a CIA operative, is a good starting point for an exploration of the so-called ‚Clash of Civilisations’, a term which has become common currency in the media and also in diplomatic circles.

This randomly picked starting point, lends an understanding to the subsequent actions of Al-Quaeda. Osama Bin Laden, trained by the CIA to struggle against foreign aggressors in a country not his own, perhaps had trouble understanding why his offer of help to protect his own country (Saudi Arabia) against supposed foreign aggressors (Iraq), aggressors who, it turns out, had not been planning an invasion of Saudi Arabia and whose forces were not massed along the Kuwait border with Saudi Arabia as American intelligence (CIA) had falsely claimed, was turned down, in favour of help from the U.S and its allies. This was the so-called justification for the first U.S. (for Muslim extremists, read here ‘godless infidels'’) bases in Saudi Arabia, a Holy land for Muslims around the world. We will not mention here the false grounds given for prosecuting the first Iraq war which led to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Muslim men, women and children. Perhaps this snub to Osama and his freedom fighters by the U.S. and the subsequent stationing of American bases throughout the Middle East, with the ulterior motives of preventing Israel from being surrounded and securing the world’s greatest energy resource, motivated Osama to take up arms against his erstwhile friends. Or maybe Osama doesn’t exist and never has. Like God, the evidence for existence or nonexistence thereof is scant.

How are we to understand the aggressive imperialist actions of the supposedly freedom-loving, democratic U.S. who fund terrorists and commit terrorist acts, such as the bombing of innocent civilians, while at the same time fighting terrorism by committing terrorist acts and bombing innocent civilians? Trying to practice such doublethink is enough to make one submit and let the aggressors have their way. But which aggressors?

We are told that trying to understand the terrorists is simply not possible. They are pure evil sowing disorder and terror indiscriminately throughout the world. Why, then, are their targets usually U.S. embassies, military bases, or Western corporations and chain hotels frequented by our supposedly ‘democratic’ elite?

If there is a so-called ‘clash of civilisations’, then why would 39 per cent of Germans not want Poles living in their neighbourhoods, whereas only 36 per cent do not want Turks living in their neighbourhoods? If there is a so-called clash of civilisations then why are Turkey and Egypt consistently the largest purchasers of American weapons after Israel? If there is a clash of civilisations, then why are American military missiles and bases stationed in some of the most staunchly Muslim countries in the world? If there is a clash of civilisations, then why was there no furore over Pakistan’s acquisition of nuclear weapons, in contrast to Iran’s present attempts to acquire nuclear weapons? If, indeed, there is such as thing as a unified Western civilisation, then why does America continue to act unilaterally, or with the meagre support of little brother, UK? Why is the Franco-German stance on issues such as Iran’s acquisition of nuclear weapons, the second Iraq war, Guantanamo Bay, so significantly different from the stance of the USA on such matters? Perhaps it is America’s belief in ‘carrot and stick diplomacy’, in throwing their weight around that the French and Germans take umbrage with.

If there is a clash of civilisations, then why has China (whose human rights record is appalling and who carry out 90 per cent of executions world wide, a nation, furthermore, which has nothing like a democratic system and which possesses a large nuclear arsenal) been given ‘most favoured nation’ status by the US?

The fact of the matter is, that this ‘clash of civilisations’ only exists when it is expedient for it to do so. When you need a reason to rape a country’s natural resources because you know they cannot adequately defend themselves, then you say things like ‘undemocratic, tyrannical, oppressive…terrorist/rogue state/axis of evil…’ or words to that effect. When it’s a powerful country that could also have the same labels applied to it but whose friendship you want to court because it is advantageous to do so, you keep quiet.

The case for a ‘clash of civilisations’, argued for so convincingly by Samuel P. Huntington, in his book of the same name cannot be denied, but to say that the next major conflicts we will have in the Twenty First Century will be civilisational ignores so many other issues and oversimplifies the matter greatly. It is of course easy to say, as Bush has done, ‘you are with us, or you are with the terrorists’ (also us, in many cases - doublespeak again). People like simplifications and over-generalisations. The Manichean struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, East and West, North and South, Islam and Christianity is one that appeals to our more primal instincts, our ‘us and themism’ to coin a phrase, but we must look beyond such simplistic definitions of an increasingly interconnected and complex world. We all want to live within a comforting new paradigm through which we can make sense of the chaotic world around us, a paradigm which creates social cohesion in decadent societies where the masses are becoming disillusioned with the ‘democratic oligarchy’ they live within (in most Western countries, 90 per cent of the wealth belongs to ten per cent of the people and this wealth divide is growing at the expense of the middle classes which are being eroded by neo-liberal politics propagated by the elites in these respective countries).

The project for the new American century declares as one of its main aims, the securing of energy resources and it is surely no coincidence that these energy resources lie in Muslim countries. Perhaps it is too simplistic to say that there is a struggle for control of these energy resources and that this struggle will determine whether Western hegemony throughout the world can be maintained, or whether Western power and influence will decline, as we have seen in decadent societies since civilisations began, but it is certainly no more simplistic than arguing for, and thus lending weight to, the absurd idea that there is a ‘clash of civilisations’. Wars don’t happen just because of religion. They happen because the status quo is threatened or because the balance of power (at the moment, Western hegemony) cannot be maintained. And wars happens because of a lack of resources leading to starvation and a subsequent battle for those resources. Maybe we are not witnessing a clash of civilisations, but rather an attempt by non-Western nations to secure a piece of the ever decreasing pie that has for so long now been shared only among Western nations. Maybe too, these ‘lesser’ nations, countries with populations of 1.3 billion (China) and one billion (India) want a democratic distribution of the wealth and also want a more proportional say in Western controlled organisations such as the IMF, WTO, World Bank and the UN which have such a powerful influence on their everyday lives. (For example, despite having one sixth of the world’s population, India does not a permanent seat on the UN security council!)

Before we begin spreading the ‘light of Western democracy’ (which concentrates the wealth of many in the hands of a few) throughout the world, perhaps we should reform our own institutions and organisations, making them more democratic. This would surely be the best way of promoting peace and freedom throughout the world: by showing every citizen of this planet that they too have a say in what goes on and that the world is not run by an oligarchical elite who have the power to control the rest of us. It is, sometimes, but not often, the disenfranchised who turn to violence when there are no means left open to them, a violence which has killed an insignificant number in comparison with the millions killed by largely undemocratic nation states.

This is an opinion piece and any reference to persons living or deceased is purely intentional. Any disputation of facts will of course be welcomed but for the time being I can’t be bothered to list my sources. I assure you though that most of my facts are ‘straight’.

Wicked Fiddlin'

2007-03-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Depue ...

Cargo Cults: Alive & Well

2007-02-17T19:58:00.000-06:00

I don't mind admitting that I had never heard of a "cargo cult" before I stumbled upon the following article from the BBC: Cargo cult lives on in South Pacific. The concept is concurrently heart-warming, saddening, and hilarious. Basically, people (usually south pacific islanders) see modern stuff ("cargo") for the first time, assume it's from been sent from a divine being, and then spend all their time trying to get the being to send more. Here's an extract from the Wikipedia entry on the history of cargo cults:

The classic period of cargo cult activity was in the years during and after World War II. The vast amounts of war materiel that were airdropped on to islands during the Pacific campaign against the Empire of Japan necessarily meant drastic changes to the lifestyle of the islanders, many of whom had never seen Westerners or Japanese before. Manufactured clothing, medicine, canned food, tents weapons and other useful goods arrived in vast quantities to equip soldiers — and also the islanders who were their guides and hosts. With the end of the war the airbases were abandoned, and "cargo" was no longer being dropped.

In attempts to get cargo to fall by parachute or land in planes or ships again, islanders imitated the same practices they had seen the soldiers, sailors and airmen use. They carved headphones from wood, and wore them while sitting in fabricated control towers. They waved the landing signals while standing on the runways. They lit signal fires and torches to light up runways and lighthouses. The cultists thought that the foreigners had some special connection to their own ancestors, who were the only beings powerful enough to produce such riches.

In a form of sympathetic magic, many built life-size mockups of airplanes out of straw, and created new military style landing strips, hoping to attract more airplanes. Ultimately, though these practices did not bring about the return of the god-like airplanes that brought such marvelous cargo during the war, they did have the effect of eradicating the religious practices that had existed prior to the war.

To cut a long story short, if you follow the link above to the article, you'll be able to read all about a cargo cult that's still going strong. Some of the people on this specific island worship an unknown American GI that they call "John Frum," but who many suspect was simply someone who introduced themselves as "John from America." I'm guessing that these folks are still using dialup.

die Rückkehr des Mistfinks

2007-02-09T09:36:00.000-06:00

Alas, I am not the only avid blogger who has been struck gleichzeitig with a case of writer's block and a hopeless lack of free time. Funny how a 30 hour a week teaching job, 15 hour a week bartending job and four graduate classes can put a big damper on the whole do-whatever-you-please front. So it goes.

That said, my former not-so-productive self now feels a sense of completion after each day, having instilled the knowledge of a 'lesser' German (nach Lee...I'll get to that) in the fresh (but soon to be verwelkt) minds of young people.

Alas again, though I seem to be writing, I'm really just faking it, and my writer's block continues. I've simply taken up the soapbox to write a greeting and a brief response to Lee's 'Schwiezer Blog'. Lee indeed is not a Linguist, but he's generally a pretty sharp guy, and though generally you can't trust a country's population to know the whole truth about their language (test this by asking the average English speaker where their language came from), there usually is some truth to the popular myth. Whoever Lee did speak to is right that Swiss German did not undergo any of the second sound shift, which reached completion in the north, partial completion in central Germany, and didn't really even start in Switzerland. That said, it also never happened in Austria. The thing that makes certain varieties of Swiss really special, though, isn't the second sound shift, but nominal morphology. We all know about those few words left in German that take a pesky weak -n or -e ending in the dative case (z.B. Bauer, Herr, etc.). Well, specifically in Valais, which is predominantly French-speaking, but which also has a very small and isolated German-speaking population, they have pretty much maintained the entire nominal morphology of Old High German. In a way we could say they are the Icelandic of continental Europe because their language has remained nearly untouched by major sound shifts and borrowings (save of course some French influx), along with any morphological loss of complexity. Screw the aspirated 'k' and 'li' endings...I think this is the real fascinating stuff. All that said, though, being a Linguist also means looking only descriptively at a language, so I'm am loath to give anyone any respect when they begin attaching value judgements to languages or language varieties. This has been going on since the beginning of time and has really only been used either for purposes of discrimination, propaganda, or to fool oneself into believing one is superior to another. That's another story, altogether, though, so I step down from the box of soap...

But so my students just don't have the same excitement level as Lee's. No backflips, no speed reading, not even a freaking septum piercing in my class. I thought this was the time for young adults to test the boundaries of their personalities and inner selves. The most clever thing I've seen in the last week was that one of my students was clever enough to come up with G6 when I asked them to come up with team names for a little translation competition. Yes, there are six people in their group. So when I told the little bastard that may not be entirely appropriate he comes back at me with Gruppe6. I told him to let me know when his testicles drop.

Google Sketch-Up

2007-02-07T18:57:00.000-06:00

I started using Google Sketch-Up (which can be downloaded for free here) during class because, as anyone who's ever sat behind me knows, I've pretty much exhausted MS paint as a medium. Sketch-Up is a pretty sophisticated design program that lets you create models in 3D. After messing about with a few buildings and abstract shapes, I set my sights on creating a racing yacht. This is the result, click on it to learn more. If you do get sketch-up, which is totally sweet, you can download my boat into it and mess around with it, rotate it, change it, whatever.

Stet Offensive

2007-02-01T23:31:00.000-06:00

If you're familiar with Harper's magazine, you know that they have a section up front titled "Readings" in which they publish interesting or amusing pieces, often excerpts. In the current issue (Feb 2007), one of the readings is titled "Stet Offensive" and reprints some of the Q&As that have been posted on the Chicago Manual of Style website. They're super sweet and I got quite the giggle out of them. Admittedly I'd enjoyed a sherry or two at the time, but I think it's still worth reading.

Question: When I began learning English grammar from the nuns in or about 1951, I was taught to NEVER use a comma either after or before independent clauses or compound sentences. Did the rules of English grammar and punctuation change while I was in that three-week coma in 1965 or in the years that it took to regain my basic and intellectual functioning before I returned to teaching?

Answer: I’m sorry I can’t account for your state of mind, but standard punctuation calls for a comma before a conjunction that joins two independent clauses unless the clauses are very short. Please see CMOS 6.32. I would go further and suggest that it’s a good idea to reexamine any rule you were taught that includes the word “never” or “always.”

Question:The menu in our cafeteria shows that enchiladas are available “Tues.–Fri.” However, when I ordered one on a Wednesday, I was informed that enchiladas are available on Tuesday AND Friday, not Tuesday THROUGH Friday. When I informed the cafeteria manager that this was incorrect, she seemed shocked and refused to change the sign. Please help determine who is correct!

Answer: Although the sign was incorrect, I’m not sure you should annoy the person who provides the enchiladas.

Question: My question is, is there any standard for the usage of emoticons? In particular, is there an accepted practice for the use of emoticons that include an opening or closing parenthesis as the final token within a set of parentheses? Should I (1) incorporate the emoticon into the closing of the parentheses (giving a dual purpose to the closing parenthesis, such as in this case. :-) (2) simply leave the emoticon up against the closing parenthesis, ignoring the bizarre visual effect of the doubled closing parenthesis (as I am doing here, producing a doubled-chin effect :-)) (3) put a space or two between the emoticon and the closing parenthesis (like this: :-) ) (4) or avoid the situation by using a different emoticon (Some emoticons are similar. :-D), placing the emoticon elsewhere, or doing without it (i.e., reword to avoid awkwardness)?

Answer: Until academic standards decline enough to accommodate the use of emoticons, I’m afraid CMOS is unlikely to treat their styling, since the manual is aimed primarily at scholarly publications. And the problems you’ve posed in this note give us added incentive to keep our distance. (But I kind of like that double-chin effect.)

Question: Is there an acceptable way to form the possessive of words such as Macy’s and Sotheby’s? Sometimes rewording to avoid the possessive results in less felicitous writing.

Answer: Less felicitous than “Sotheby’s’s”? I don’t think so.

Question: A friend and I were looking at a poster that read “guys apartment.” I believe it should read “guys’ apartment.” She claims that it should read “guys’s apartment” and that the CMOS specifically gives the example of “guys’s” to make “guys” possessive. I looked through every section on possessives and did not find the word “guys’s” or any rule that would make this correct. Some people say “you guys’s apartment”—did I overlook the word “guys’s” as used in the attributive position? (I don’t think I did.)

Answer: “Guys’s” is acceptable in the way that “youse guys” is acceptable; that is, neither is yet recognized as standard prose, and if your friend can find it in CMOS, I’ll eat my hat. Plural nouns that end in s (like “guys”) don’t add another s to form the possessive, e.g., the students’ lounge. “Guys’ apartment” is the standard spelling. If you want to make “guys” attributive, you can get away without the apostrophe, but you might test the idea with a plural noun that doesn’t end in s to see whether the attributive actually works: I doubt you’d write “the women apartment,” so you shouldn’t write “the guys apartment” either. And shame on your friend. It must make you wonder what else she’s capable of.

Question: Oh, English-language gurus, is it ever proper to put a question mark and an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence in formal writing? This author is giving me a fit with some of her overkill emphases, and now there is this sentence that has both marks at the end. My everlasting gratitude for letting me know what I should tell this person.

Answer: In formal writing, we allow both marks only in the event that the author was being physically assaulted while writing. Otherwise, no.

Gruizi Mit'nand!

2007-01-27T16:31:00.000-06:00

Its been a long, long while but I'm back. I am currently suffering from an agonising bout of writers block so please allow me to forego the usual erudite aphorisms that are characteristic of a well-written Stusie blog...

School Life

I live here in Zürich, a stone's throw away from the train station and I am working at - allegedly - the 'best school in Switzerland'. This is apparently what all Swiss schools aver but this claim has been supported by many who do not work at my school. On top of that I once taught a group of highly-talented children who all attend my school: they only have to attend school in the mornings so that they can concentrate
on their talents in the afternoon. Among them were two gymnasts, a musician, a footballer, a dancer and a couple of mountain climbers. They all have to perform at international level to be allowed to skip afternoon classes. I asked one pupil - doubting his gymnastic ability - whether he could demonstrate his skill for the rest of the class. Clearing a space in the middle of the classroom he launched into a backflip and landed squarely on his two feet. Momentarily flabbergasted, it took me several moments before I could utter the words, 'ok, so today we're going to talk about modals of deduction, ok everyone WHAT IS A MODAL OF DEDUCTION?' The rest of the class however, betraying their Swissness, didn't even raise an eyebrow at this remarkable feat.

My school also boasts a politician/teacher as the Swiss democratic system means that all politicians are part time. I must admit though she is rather too left wing for my liking and her ideas about the dictatorship of the proletariat are rather outdated to say the least...

Swissocracy

This brings me to the much touted Swiss democratic system which, despite the complications of having four languages to negotiate in, functions extremely well. Indeed it leaves one with very little to complain about. I recently watched a documentary about the implementation of a new law to curb GM research where the negotiations were spread over a number of days and it was suprising to hear in the interval to one meeting a Swiss farmer/politician calling home to ask his wife if their sons had brought the hay in. These people have not studied political science and, having real jobs aside from their political duties, do not shamelessly pursue their own interests...well not all of them at any rate.

Stereotypes

I have eaten fondue since being here (to be enjoyed with white wine apparently) and raclette. I have also eaten probably a kilo of Swiss chocolate, which I concede IS the best in the world. I also have a Swiss bank account which I am rather happy with but it is unfortunately NOT secret. The interest rates are also rather quite poor but the wages are so good that I'm thinking of staying on as a Putzfrau when my contract ends. Another thing that the Swiss are famous for is insurance. There are more kinds of insurance on sale here than you can shake a stick at - the Swiss even claim to have invented life insurance! Not exactly anything to get excited about, but if you you ARE predisposed to getting excited about such things which COULD possibly lead to an accident then you'll be happy to know YOU ARE INSURED. Health insurance is compulsory but life insurance isn't. One kind of insurance which I don't know if you guys have over there in the U.S. is a personal insurance in the event of you damaging someone else's property. The example given to me by a rather taciturn laughably stern Swiss person - who happened to work in insurance - was that if I was for example playing golf and the ball that I struck hit a ferrari, then of course, there had to be someone to pay for it - ergo this insurance. As for the skiing, I was rather underimpressed by the Swiss. I had a race with some of my snowboarding students and...I won. The idea of a day on the pistes for the Swiss means 2 or 3 runs then a Pfümli, 2 or 3 runs, then a bite to eat, 2 or 3 runs and then call it a day.

Language

The Swiss German apparently is the purest form of German you will hear. As crisp as the glacial ice that leaks down into their pristine mountain lakes, the German that is spoken here is pre-Lutheran. I am no linguist but apparently there were some changes made to German around the time of Luther and these changes were ignored by the Swiss...but all this is conjecture. If its true then we could say the Swiss are living with a medaeval language while the rest of the German speaking world has modernised. Well, if its not broke, don't fix it I suppose. On first being exposed to Swiss German, one can be mistaken for thinking that one is hearing Dutch or a derivation thereof. In the ululations of the conversation one can pick out the similarites between Swiss German and English and I believe these two languages are alot closer than high German and English. For example, a common phrase one will hear when leaving a shop or a library is 'Wiederluege'. Here they have have substituted sehen or schauen with luege which is of course alot closer to the English look. Swiss also 'luege' Fern although Swiss T.V. is light on entertainment, high on dull market information. A form of gewesen is also used here with an almost tiresome regularity. Coffee houses are filled with the constantly repeating phrase 'isht es guet g'see?' (ist es gut gewesen). The other phrase one hears most often is 'en Guete' (guten Appetit). There is also a marked French influence on the language noticeable in such words as 'Abonnement' or 'merci' (märsi). Other than that they just seem to add an 'i' to the end of nouns and call it Swiss such as in 'Gipfeli' (Gipfel), Hüsli (WC), Lööli (Dummkopf), Müsli (Mäuschen and Muesli), Tüechli (Handtuch), and my personal favourite Verhüterli (condom). If any of you are interested I could send you a copy of my Swiss German Wörterbuch its a barrel of laughs although not quite on a par with German Trivial Pursuit.

Pandora's (Juke)Box

2006-12-06T20:36:00.001-06:00

I've received a lot of emails (none) asking for a post about internet radio stations, and to be honest, I've never been much of a fan. I don't mind streaming an actual radio station through the interweb, but with the possible exception of certain trance stations, I'm not terribly enamored of the pure internet variety. Until now. (Jeremy Clarkson-esque-transition)

Pandora Internet Radio, or "sweet sweetness" as I like to call it, is the latest venture from the folks at the Music Genome Project, whose life's ambition it is to classify all music ... ever. All you and I have to do to enjoy Pandora's music playing goodness is to to go the site, type in a song or an artist we like, and they do the rest. You have to register after the first time you use it, but it's free and very little hassle. You even have the option to pay a little and not deal with ads, but don't bother, I've spent the last four nights listening to it and I haven't heard an ad yet.
What's truly remarkable is that it really does play music you want to hear (excepting a few mistakes here and there). I've learned about some artists I'd never heard of through it, which is always a bonus, and you can indicate whether you like a song or not. If you don't want to hear that song ever again, so be it. If you're just sick of a song at the moment and don't want to hear it for a month, that's cool too. It saves your customized stations, so you can go back to them, or you can play a mixture of all of them. It really is amazing.
They can't play a specific song on request, because of the way their licensing is set up, but that hardly matters because of the amazing music library at their fingertips. Perhaps the best use of Pandora is when you're in a hurry for some music, you don't want to spend all day putting together a playlist because you've got shit to do, or you just want to chill with some friends, so you go to the site, enter the first artist or song that comes into your head, and away you go, unlimited tune-age to hang by. Check it out bitches.

America: Fuck Yeah.

2006-11-08T21:42:00.000-06:00

It's taken 6 years, but finally, FINALLY, it appears that just slightly over 50% of the just slightly over 55% of eligible American voters who actually show up at the polls have pulled their heads out of their asses and noticed that the country is going to Hell in a handcart. The Dems take both houses of Congress and Rumsfeld is forced out all in one day. Not a bad day. Oh, I also wanted to point out that the Economist sacked-up and called for Rumsfeld's resignation in a not-so-subtle way ... 2 1/2 years ago. Finally.

Indecision 2006

2006-11-06T02:47:00.000-06:00

Well it is voting time again for the United States of America and it seems as if every time Americans have a chance to vote...our reputation is on the line. At least that is my personal opinion, and that is why I find it so important. This time more then ever, I think, hope and feel that more people are going to turn out the vote that normally doesn't happen during the midterm elections. I believe more people will turn out then before. That is the only way we can make Bush into what he actually is...a lame duck.

Now, it seems as if the Republicans continue to shoot themselves and\or friends (sorry about the pun, Cheney)...for example, the Foley Scandal, 106 deaths in Iraq for the month of October, sex scandals throughout the Evangelical church, a deficit as large as John Kerry's chin, usw. However, the Democrats don't seem to be taking advantage. I know that the polls all have the democrats ahead, but I don't really give a damn about polls. The only thing that matters if it turns out to be successful on November 7th. The problem with the Democrats other then John Kerry's botched Joke is that they have no plans for the future, at least they are not saying much about it. They need a leader with Charisma and they definitely don't have it...hopefully one gets some balls by 2008, or a vagina...perhaps (New York, I'm looking in your directions). It seems the Democrat slogan is vote for change...but they are not giving the american public any concrete details that they seem to love in this day in age. I don't feel that saying the Republicans are bad and we are good is enough. Why are you better? I guess I have the same questions as the republicans continue to ask and until the democrats start answering these questions...the public will continue to have doubts. I know I am not a republican but I have very little confidence in the democratic party at this time as well. Hopefully, something will change on Nov 7th, but I hope they deliver in the aftermath.

My predictions for the upcoming elections are that the democrats will win the House, but come up just short on the Senate. I personally don't really know what that will mean...but I know it is a step in the right direction...at least a different direction.

Israel, Lebanon and Article 51

2006-10-30T18:01:00.001-06:00

This is something I've been working on, and thought it might be of interest to the group.

Did the actions of Hezbollah on July 12 rise to the level of an “armed attack” within the meaning of Article 51 of the United Nations Charter, and thus trigger Israel’s right of “self-defense,” as recognized in that Article?

The actions of Hezbollah on July 12 did not rise to the level of an “armed attack” within the meaning of Article 51 of the United Nations (UN) Charter, and therefore Israel’s right of “self-defense” under that Article was not triggered by that particular occasion in isolation. The factors relevant to this assessment include (1) Hezbollah’s non-State status, (2) the magnitude of the day’s events, (3) the historical interactions between Hezbollah and Israel, and (4) Hezbollah’s relationship with other sovereign States in the region.

I will first consider (1) Hezbollah’s status on the world stage. Despite the fact that the word “State” is noticeably absent from the text of Article 51, there can be little doubt that it concerns itself almost exclusively with the actions of States, and Hezbollah is obviously a non-State actor. The International Court of Justice (ICJ) used this point against Israel in its advisory opinion concerning the Legal Consequences of the Construction of a Wall in the Occupied Palestinian Territory: “Article 51 of the Charter … recognizes the existence of an inherent right of self-defence in the case of armed attack by one State against another State” (¶ 139). Based on this consideration alone, Hezbollah’s actions cannot trigger self-defense under Article 51 without those actions being imputable to a sovereign state. Whether that is the case is a question to which I will return. However, for the moment it will suffice to establish that Hezbollah, acting without State sponsorship, does not qualify as an actor that can prompt self-defense under Article 51.

I will now address (2), the issue of magnitude. Article 3 of UN General Assembly (GA) Resolution 3314 includes in its list of qualifying acts of aggression “acts of armed force against another State of such gravity as to amount to [an actual armed attack conducted by regular forces], or its substantial involvement therein” (emphasis added). According to the ICJ, this description can be understood to reflect customary international law with respect to what constitutes an armed attack (Case Concerning Military and Paramilitary Activities In and Against Nicaragua, ¶ 195). Thus, it is critical to consider whether Hezbollah’s cross-border raid against Israel on July 12 was on par with an actual armed attack conducted by regular state forces. When considering this occurrence in isolation, it does not. On the morning of July 12, Hezbollah forces attacked two Israeli Humvees patrolling on the Israeli side of the Blue Line near Zar'it. The attack resulted in the deaths of three Israeli Defense Force (IDF) soldiers and in the abduction of two others (CNN.com, July 12, 2006; Posted: 02:27 GMT). The number of personnel involved, the amount of damage that was inflicted, and the duration of the raid all point to something less than an armed attack by regular state forces. This is especially true if Israel itself is used as the yardstick by which the strength of attacks by regular forces is measured.

Considering factor (3), the historical context of the event, cross-border skirmishes are nothing new in the area of the Blue Line. They have been perpetrated by Hezbollah since its inception in 1982. Indeed, Israel’s massive military response to the events of July 12 is also not unique. In July 1993, Israel launched a seven-day military offensive code-named “Operation Accountability” in response to Hezbollah rocket attacks. A similar action code-named “Operation Grapes of Wrath” occurred in 1996, which lasted for 16 days (Human Rights Watch, hrw.org). In 2002, in response to Israel’s “Operation Defensive Shield,” Hezbollah used antitank missiles, mortars, Katyusha rockets, and antiaircraft weapons against northern Israeli settlements on an almost daily basis (The Washington Institute, Peacewatch #376). The engagements have followed a pattern in which Hezbollah picks away at Israel rocket by rocket, until Israel retaliates with overwhelming conventional military might. The offensive launched on July 12 is simply Israel’s latest iteration of this pattern. This has an important implication for the analysis of Israel’s right to self-defense under Article 51: If Hezbollah’s actions up to and including those of July 12 can be aggregated for the purpose of qualifying as an armed attack, then Israel may well have a legal right to self-defense under Article 51.

According to Article 51, self-defense must be triggered by an armed attack which, if not actually carried out by regular state forces, is of equal gravity. Hezbollah’s actions on July 12 did not rise to this level. However, taken in the aggregate, even if only considered since 2002, Hezbollah’s repeated attacks on Northern Israel add up to a considerable threat. Though each border skirmish or rocket attack is individually useless for the purposes of triggering Israel’s Article 51 right to self-defense, together they satisfy the gravity test and qualify as an armed attack. There are strong policy arguments both for and against the use of aggregation in determining whether an armed attack has occurred. Specifically, allowing aggregation would significantly broaden the criteria for armed attack, resulting in more legal self-defense, which is counter to the UN mandate to strictly limit the use of force. Conversely, if aggregation is not allowed, then any actor, whether State or non-State, can confound the international system by using pin-prick attacks spread over time, constantly threatening the peace of their victim-State, but being careful never to cross the threshold of armed attack. This would amount to tacit approval of low-level terrorism, which is also counter to the UN mandate. Assuming, for the sake of argument, that aggregation is a legitimate means where the end is qualifying as an armed attack under Article 51, Israel can satisfy that requirement and thus may legally use self-defense until the Security Council acts. The final question then is: Against whom can that self-defense be legitimately exercised?

I have established that Hezbollah is a non-State actor and that unless their actions are imputable to a State, such actions do not qualify as self-defense under Article 51. In defining acts of aggression, the UNGA included “[t]he sending by or on behalf of a State of armed bands, groups, irregulars or mercenaries, which carry out acts of armed force against another State” (GA Resolution 3314, Article 3(g)). Similarly, the ICJ noted in its opinion on the Wall Case that while Article 51 covers armed attacks imputable to a State actor, “Israel does not claim that the attacks against it are imputable to a foreign State” (¶ 139).

However, the situation under analysis here is different, since Hezbollah’s actions on and before July 12 may well be imputable to a foreign State and thus may prompt a legitimate right to self-defense under Article 51. On July 12, mere hours after Hezbollah’s raid, the Israeli government issued a statement indicting Lebanon as the responsible State: “Israel holds the sovereign government of Lebanon as responsible for the action which emanated from its territory and for the safe return of the abducted soldiers” (Haaretz.com, Posted: 07:38 This was most likely because the political arm of Hezbollah is part of the Lebanese government. There is little evidence, however, that Lebanon has any control over Hezbollah’s paramilitary activities. Moreover, there is no evidence that Lebanon “sent” Hezbollah on July 12. On August 1, in an address to the Washington Institute’s Special Policy Forum, Shimon Peres, Israel’s deputy Prime Minister, noted that “Hizballah is not just attacking Israel, but also the existence of Lebanon as it is currently constituted” (Israel’s War against Hizballah and Its Battle against Hamas, washingtoninstitute.org). If this is true, Lebanon is merely another victim of Hezbollah. In the same speech, Mr. Peres also stated that “Hizballah is … acting as the proxy of Iran” (Id.). The Jewish Virtual Library includes in its history of Hezbollah the statements that “Syria backs Hizballah morally and has also supplied it with money and arms,” and “Hizballah … receives financial aid, training, weapons, and explosives from Iran [which] also contributes political, diplomatic, and organizational aid” (“Hizballah”, JewishVirtualLibrary.org). Finally, in Resolution 1701 the UN Security Council points to the fact that Hezbollah is fueled from sources outside Lebanon. One of the preparatory paragraphs welcomes “the commitment of the government of Lebanon … to extend its authority over its territory, through its own legitimate armed forces” (UNSC Resolution 1701) (emphais added). This indicates that authority over some Lebanese territory is currently exercised by illegitimate foreign armed forces. Operative paragraphs 3, 8, 14 and 15 of the same resolution all address the problem of arms and support provided to Hezbollah by foreign sources. The connections between Iran, Syria and Hezbollah are well documented and seem to constitute “[t]he sending by or on behalf of a State of armed bands, groups, irregulars or mercenaries, which carry out acts of armed force against another State” (GA Resolution 3314, Article 3(g)). Thus Israel’s Article 51 right of self-defense, if triggered by Hezbollah on July 12, would be against Iran and/or Syria. It would not be against Lebanon. 13/07/2006).

In conclusion, if Hezbollah’s actions over the course of the preceding four years can be aggregated for the purposes of constituting an armed attack under Article 51, then Israel’s right to self-defense under that Article was legitimately activated. However, self-defense under Article 51 authorizes strikes only against the responsible State(s), not against third parties. In this case the responsible States are undoubtedly Syria and Iran. Therefore, even if Israel’s right to self-defense was legally initiated on July 12, its subsequent actions were still illegal under Article 51 since they were erroneously directed against Lebanon.

P.S. - For anyone who cares, these are very good articles on this and related topics:

The World's Ugliest Professor on World Order after the Lebanon War
The World's Ugliest Professor on Assessing the UN after the Lebanon War

P.P.S. - Professio Lex has been updated again. Sweet Arty Sweetness.

StuSie Kunst

2006-10-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

Professio Lex has been updated. Check it out bitches.

Wovor haben wir jetzt Angst??

2006-10-06T10:17:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of things to be afraid of these days. Foremost among them naturally Terror with a capital "T". What about Global Warming? How about hurricanes? People other than postal workers going postal...in schools??! We've got sagging economies, corrupt politicians, rising health care costs. AIDS, Ecoli, Vogelgrippe, oh my!! Armafucking-geddon! I logged onto the always-reliable and never-sensationalistic CNN.com for my latest dose of fear, and what was today's Angstpille? Noxious gases from a North Carolina chemical plant. If, as the Onion says, Death is really the ghost of Millenium Past, then Deimos, Greek god of fear, is our man of the hour.
What I find ironic about all of this is that the powers that be always seem to advise us to fear the things that aren't concrete. The Bird Flu that killed, what, a couple hundred people worldwide, should be feared like the plague while today's gas cloud in North Carolina "appears to be quite unalarming"? Hurricane Katrina was just another hurricane, and Global Warming is most certainly not related to the gagillions of tons of gases we've spewed into the atmosphere. AIDS, killing millions an infecting millions of others in Africa gets peanuts compared to our mission of "freedom" against the followers of Mohammed. And this brings us to the daddy of all of these: our cause of causes. "They" are our enemy of enemies. They allegedly felled a few of our beloved skyscrapers, and dammit, they're coming after us.
I personally am terrified, and I can barely go about my daily business because I'm constantly thinking about how I'm going to go up in flames while I'm shopping for my favorite pair of namebrand tennis shoes. In fact, I've stopped eating chicken. I don't leave the house. I just sit in my non-infected box watching Fox News and CNN so I can find out where the next threat is lurking. Forgive my pretentious diatribe, but seriously, what the hell? How can a boardroom of self-righteous, comb-overed, dockers-donning hypocrites pull it off? Ever since I started studying History I realized that the whole linear approach was hooey...we falliable humans do make the same mistakes over and over. I just didn't think we would make the same mistake within a century. It's all well and good to revert back to medieval Feudalism because it was a really long time ago and we forgot how shitty it was, but fearmongering, come on. McCarthy's bad breath is still hanging around the marble halls of the Capitol!
Saddle up the Four Horsemen, ladies and gentlemen. The noble statesmen of the 21st century are merely preparing us for the unspeakable ills that will haunt us in the coming days, months, and years. Hold on to your hats and make sure your shoe laces are tied, because Deimos knows you better not trip while you're fleeing the next threat. Amen, and good night.

StuSie Kunst

2006-10-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I spend a lot of time messing around drawing things on my computer during class and I've developed a bit of a reputation for it since I sit in the first row. Unfortunately the most sophisticated piece of software available to me is Microsoft Paint. So basically I make these little drawings while I'm listening to lecture and I name them after whatever we happen to be talking about at the time. This has led to some very interesting names and one day I noticed that if you go through the pictures while paying attention to the names, your subconscious tries to find meaning in the image to relate to the title. I've got quite a few pictures at this point, and together with their names, they make quite the little exhibition. I wanted to put them on the blog, but I didn't want it to become all about these pictures, so I created another one that I'm going to link to and I'll let you know as I add pictures to it. Each picture is its own post, so that it's possible to comment on any picture that catches your eye. I've also included a brief explaination of what the title means, since it's often a technnical legal term. So without much further ado, here's the first installment of an ongoing exhibition of original Staubsauger art. True to my namesake, it sucks, but there you have it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Professio Lex - The Art of Law

StuSie Geburtstag

2006-09-28T09:17:00.000-05:00

Hertzliche Gluckwünsche, the StuSie has made it through an entire year. As you will no doubt have noticed, our little blog got a makeover in honor of this milestone. Let me know what you think. The original mandate was to create a place that would allow us all to keep in touch despite the fact that, with true Wanderlust, we've managed to spread out all over the place so that nobody lives near anyone else. I think it's been at least marginally successful, and as such, I'm going to keep posting, and hopefully so will everyone else. Cheers.

StuSie Musik - Dead Meadow

2006-09-19T06:29:00.000-05:00

Do you like Jimi Hendrix...Do you like Black Sabbath...Do you like Radiohead? Well if you do you should give DEAD MEADOW a listen. I know the name is a little frightening, but I was recommeded the band from a good friend that sometimes I agree with and sometimes not. At first I was sceptical but after a couple of listens I realized that they actually do have talent and the musik rocks. Check them out!

StuSie Musik - Ratatat

2006-09-03T21:35:00.000-05:00

I was given a CD by a friend of mine from school last week. He said that if I liked Thievery Corporation I might like this, though they're certainly different. Holy shit was he right. The band is called Ratatat, which is even more fun to listen to than it is to type. Totally instrumental, the album I have is called "Classics" and was released on August 22, so it's pretty much brand new. The music is difficult to describe; it's melancholy, but fun. There's way too much slide guitar to call it ambient, and yet it's ideal background music. It sounds pretty clean and simple, but there are many, many little nuances to enjoy. I read in an interview that many of the songs on this album have as many as 70 tracks and samples layered on each other. Sweet sweetness.
This music is too cool for school and as my little lady immediately noticed, it could well be the soundtrack to a Wes Anderson movie. I've included the video to the song "Germany to Germany" below. Check it out.

Magnetic Ribbons

2006-09-03T16:58:00.000-05:00

Fuck that shit.

Das Schweigen der Laemmer

2006-08-25T11:40:00.000-05:00

I knew it would only be a matter of time before Austria made itself known in the creepy Germanic psycho department. There isn't any eating of people this time, but there is a guy who obviously watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times. After kidnapping his victim 8 years ago, Austrian creepy guy extraordinaire kept his captee under his garage behind the house in a surprisingly normal looking bedroom, but gagged her so she couldn't cry out to neighbors. I've never understood how this happens, but the girl, like many other kidnapped children, apparently had a case of "Stockholm Syndrome" - in other words she started to 'identify' with her captor and thus had less of a desire to escape. Apparently, though, something led her to decide it was time to ditch the pedophilic Spinner this week during her 18th Lebensjahr, and she was found wandering aimlessly through the northern outskirts of Vienna. The neighbors of this Kerl are ridiculously cliched: "He was a polite, but quiet and reclusive man...we never would have suspected him". Sounds like Art from the Burbs after they busted the Klopeks. Now I'm just waiting for the Swiss to chime in with a human aberration of their own. The disturbing factor bar has been set pretty high by the first two German-speaking countries. Ich bin gespannt.

The Big Lebowski: The Insanely Fucking Short Version

2006-08-13T02:05:00.000-05:00

Fuck.

The Big Lebowski: The Fucking Short Version

2006-07-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

Despite Sam Elliot's admonishment at the end of the movie, I'd never really given much thought to the sheer quantity of cuss words in the film. Perhaps this says something about me and/or the society I reside in.
Probably not.

StuSie Nachricht: The Week's Most Ridiculous Fatality

2006-07-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the Phat Phree's 50 Most Embarrasing Ways To Die, the StuSie would like to highlight this week's most off-the-wall deaths. I'm talking about the two women aged 68 and 38, who were killed in what amounts to a giant bouncy castle in Durham, England. British inflatable residences (BIR) come in three sizes: Wee, Naut-so-Wee, and Frrrrriggin' Huuuuge. The blow-up edifice in question was of the latter variety. It was actually an inflatable sculpture with a number of interconnected rooms that people could wander around, and it measured 2,500 sq metres. Like I said, this was one serious airbed. Anyway, long story short, the wind caught it while there were lots of people inside, the whole thing was tossed ass-over-eyebrows about 40 m in the air and when it reaquainted itself with terra firma, two were dead and dozens injured. Now that's a bad day at the park.

Life After Oil

2006-07-22T16:20:00.001-05:00

I just read the cover article from this month's Harper's which deals with the PeakOil Movement and what exactly is going to happen when we run out of black gold. At least part of the answer seems to be, "go back to yellow gold." By this I mean that in a post-economic collapse kind of world, good ol' greenbacks won't be worth the paper they're printed on and so we'll have to switch back to intrinsically valuable money and spend all our time digging around in the dirt trying to find shiny things.
As far as the lack of oil itself goes, we won't be able to make plastics or most synthetic fibers, which means we'll be naked. We won't be able to fly planes, power ships, cars, trucks, etc. and even if we could, we couldn't pave roads, at least not with asphalt, so there goes travel, and more importantly, trade. We won't be able to heat or cool our buildings, so bye bye living in Minnesota or Nevada. Basically, it's going to be pretty shitty if it pans out the way the folks at PeakOil think it will. I'd recommend checking the article out, it's food for thought if (hoffentlich) a bit alarmist.

Serie B(ubye Juventus)

2006-07-14T23:37:00.000-05:00

Something something tiny. Something something violin. There's something incredibly gratifying about seeing the corrupt giants come crashing down. To see Berlusconi and Juventus do it in less than a year time frame is makin me downright giddy. I hope Ibrahimovich goes crying back to his mommy that he lost his job, because he'll no longer be whining at the refs. I guess the stripes on that kit are pretty fitting after all. Cheaters.

On the Subject of Footwear.

2006-07-13T18:36:00.000-05:00

I recently read an article in Details magazine, a publication that I was unaware of until I picked up a copy from a slouching, withered stack to pass the time on the treadmill at the gym the other day. I am informed that it is in fact a well established rag in the mold of GQ or Rolling Stone. Whatever. The point is, the article in question was on the subject of footwear, and more specifically, flip-flops. Being at least nominally a "fashion" mag, the author proceeded to pick apart all those who don flip-flops more than a stone's throw from the beach. Fuck that guy.
Admittedly, he was primarily talking about the flip-flops and jeans combo, which is a little silly, but seriously, you've got to have fuck all else to write about before you start harshing my mellow by shitting on my flip-flops. As a flip-flop connoisseur, I have to say that I'm happy to wear them whenever I can, and that includes occasionally wearing them with long pants. I have a feeling it would be news to the douche who wrote the article that not everyone spends 45 minutes matching their footwear to their pants and shirt. In fact, if you spend more than about 30 seconds trying to figure out what shoes to wear, you've either got too many shoes or you work for details magazine. Come to think of it, probably both.
Anyway, I just felt like I had to put something out there in defense of the flip-flop because people with a much wider audience than I have seen fit to denounce what might just be the most comfortable and least OSHA approved footwear ever.

The best entertainment of the World Cup...

2006-07-10T16:54:00.000-05:00

If you were bored with watching every other game in the knockout phase end in PK's, try this on for size. Wow...

Time for a paradigm shift?

2006-07-04T12:27:00.000-05:00

I hate to chime in with something so remote from the going topic of the World Cup just as it reaches its climax, but I can only bitch about flopping and lackluster performances for so long. What prompted me to interrupt the sports theme were two recently published articles, one from Harper's monthly and one from the Economist...
Based on my knowledge of my esteemed Stusie-readership, I would think that most if not all of us would love to see a nationwide boycott of Walmart. I would also think that most of us know plenty of reasons why Walmart should be boycotted. Aside from bleeding the life from already suffering corners of our nation - regions that are plagued already by the shift toward industrial farming, lack of water, or the decline of various mining activities - Walmart also treats its employees quite simply as property. Concisely stated, only one thing matters to Walmart, and that is its heinously massive earnings. I knew before that Walmart was huge, but when you consider the fact that it handles 30 percent of all retail transactions in the US, one realizes just how out of control this giant is.
But if we really hope to strike back at the beast that is this tacky retailer, we have to look at just how it accumulated all of its power. Walmart, according to the Harper's article, is the most ruthless buyer of consumer goods in the world. Following the elimination of anti-trust laws during the Reagan administration, Walmart proceeded to grow like a cancer, horizontally instead of vertically. What this means is that instead of striving to master all of the stages of production of a particular product, Walmart saw more potential in selling people literally everything they may need in one hideously massive, rectangular-shaped building. Sounds harmless, and maybe even convenient at first, but the consequences of this are pretty vicious. After rapidly accumulating more and more power, and sliding into more and more out-of-business Kmart buildings (Walmart either overtakes old retailers buildings or leases them from builders - a strategy that allows them to move around to the most profitable regions without the costs of constructing a building. They often come into a community, create some jobs, then leave without warning. The residents of the area then stand there with their privates in their hands, if you will), Walmart was soon able to control the prices it paid for consumer goods (called monopsony) from selling corporations. Those falling prices don't mean that Walmart really would like to help out your pocket book; it means that Walmart is squeezing the life from the free market, taking the idea of buying power to a perverted extreme.
In short, Walmart is a seething mass of goo sliming up our already sick economic system. What is even more concerning is that Walmart is simply the first company to reach such heights, but it is by no means an exception. In virtually every other sector of the economy, other coporations are watching Walmart make pantloads of cash, and are following suit. Telecommunications companies, banks, media giants, and even the very sellers that are currently getting jabbed in the ass by Walmart, are merging and growing to form their own seething masses. Let's just say that if things continue in such a way, Italy's Serie A will look like a cozy club of boyscouts compared to our 'free market'. There is no room for such things as collusion and corruption in an economy of monopolies because it simply isn't necessary anymore. Corporations will simply do whatever they please, leaving us in a situation that is ironically similar to the oligopolies of Soviet Russia. I don't think this is exactly what we're going for.
And that brings me to article number 2, seemingly unrelated to Walmart, about the development of Interstate freeways in the United States and its influence on urban and rural landscapes. Born after the dawn of computers, after the break-up of the Beatles, and after Dicky Nixon, none of us really have a conception of the world without interstate freeways. They are something we take for granted, and see as the only way to get from here to there. In fact, the interstates weren't really created so that Americans could more easily visit friends and family or road trip it from NY to CA in about two days. Eisenhower started building them in the 50's because he saw what they did for Germany in WWII. Hitler and Albert Speer saw that more efficient intranational travel meant a more effective defense, and that's exactly what drove Ike to build the extensive network across the country.
The US invasion hasen't happened (yet), but the effect of the interstates has nonetheless been substatial. It has transformed the growth of our country's cities and formed the way we live our lives. In particular, it has made the US a country of suburbs, cars, and convenience shopping. Here's how it happened, and here's how Walmart profited from it: one of the first things one notices about freeways is their goal of bypassing major cities to save travel time. Logical, but the side effect was that it allowed for urban sprawl and the rapid growth of suburbs. As commuting travel was made easier, central downtown areas became business centers rather than living spaces. With the suburbs in place commercial clusters began to pop up in these new suburbs. Because everyone had cars and the growth was so fast, the old fashioned system of the "main street" and town center with bakeries, butchers, hardware stores and theaters was replaced with strip malls, shopping centers, and retail juggernauts like Walmart. In a way, road systems not only contributed to, but made possible and accelerated the transformation of cities in the United States, and I think that as young people - in combination with the information about Walmart above - we need to be aware that there is an alternative to the route that has been paved by our interstate freeways and the lifestyle it has spawned. After thinking about it, I think this is the thing that gives us such an aversion toward urban sprawl and America in general, and it is the thing that draws us toward Europe in such a strong way. Because their cities were already formed and large before the dawn of the freeway system, the dawn of this system has taken place much later if at all.

Viva la France

2006-07-02T12:39:00.000-05:00

Well, after long hours of pleading my case to every person that I knew. France has pulled off the impossible...again. Being rediculed for my backing of the French ever since the beginning. Austrians telling me that they were too old. Zidane is over the hill and can't take the long drawn out tournament at his old age. Pfarrad telling me that in 1998 there were all upcoming stars and now they are all successful millionares that don't care as much as 1998. Hell, even I had my doubts once they lost Cisse in the last friendly against South Korea. Struggling through the first round of action and only taking second to the stingy Swiss, France has finally found their game and made the "massive attack" of Brasil look like a U 15 game played on a dirt hill. Only one shot was allowed on goal the entire game, that is probably good for the ever aging Barthez in goal. I think everyone would agree that Brasil never looked unstoppable but no one would agree with me that the French would take them out. I do believe that the French have had the hardest draw of the later rounds. First ousting the young Spaniards that will be even stronger next time, but to take out the defending champions right after that is a feat in itself. I only hope they can keep it going. Zidane is a legend on the field and the swift play of Henry amazes me even more then the great Ronaldhino.

With all of that being said I feel that the final four will offer suspense, great challenges, great goals, and hopefully spectacular finishes that don't end in penalty kicks. No team should lose a game like that in my opinion. Just ask the English. The world cup is a magical event that everyone should appreciate. However, in this country...America, no one seems to give a fuck and I am too tired of trying to explain the importance of this game to the world society. They will never understand and it is a shame. At this point the list of shame just continues to get longer and longer in my opinion.

My predictions for the final results are that Germany will beat Italy 1-0 even though Italy(the mother country) has been my number two since the beginning. France will beat Portugal 2-1, even though I have enjoyed every Portugal game throughout the tournament. The experience will be just too much. So the final will consist of two countries that know each other very well, and no Austrian will watch the final out of spite. As much as I hate to say it, I think Germany will take France in the final, even though I will be routing for the french and the only deciding factor will be the home field advantage. France took advantage of that in 1998, so the Germans will be the world champions again, just like that cheesy german band predicted.

All Euro, All The Time

2006-07-02T10:29:00.000-05:00

With Germany vs. Italy on the Fourth followed by France vs. Portugal on the Fifth, there's no shortage of Euro-dominant World Cup Action on this extended holiday weekend. My hat is off to der Pfarrad, who called England's fall to Portugal on penalties.

World Cup Virus

2006-06-26T16:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I wouldn't call it fever, really, but more of some kind of unknown virus that is quite nasty but you don't know where you picked it up and you can't get rid of it because its resistant to antibiotics. So who would've thunk it: the Czechs are out even after beating the mighty US of A, who also dropped out earlier than expected. That leaves the old hands, the great footballing nations of the world; us English, the Argentinians, the Germans, the French, the Italians and the Brazilians of course, in fact, no real surprises apart from Ukraine and Portugal...well their manager Scolari led Brazil to victory in the last world cup so their progress was expected. I only wanted to say how fucking shit England have played and if it weren't for Beckham - the free-kick Meister, we'd be already out, not that he's played particularly well. Well, tune in on Saturday to watch Portugal thrash a mediocre England who through some tactical play and a solid defence with a team lacking any skill or flare, have somehow made it to the last 8 of the World Cup. Predicted result: a win for Portugal on penalties. It will be worth it if only to see Beckham cry (its his last world cup - 31 years old already). Maybe Rooney however will live up to his $70,000,000 price tag and score a goal.

Retribution or Justified Actions?

2006-06-19T05:56:00.000-05:00

Well the above title poses a tricky question: can retribution ever be justified? I guess many Americans would say that retribution is justified after the shock of September 11th, a sleight to America's sense of self: but was it an attack on freedom? Maybe a freedom which involves freedom to torture and to hold people without trial on the basis of the said people being in the wrong place at the wrong time is a freedom which should not be protected in the first place. 85% of American soldiers in Iraq believe that the war was a retaliation for Saddam Hussein's role in the 9/11 attacks, but maybe Iraq really is just about the black gold. If so, to what end Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay? Are the Americans profiting from such 'acts of terror' or are they simply practicing retribution? And should a nation state be practicing retribution in the first place?

Post mortems are now being carried out on two Saudi men who killed themselves while detained at Guantanamo Bay. According to a UN report 'the war on terror does not constitute an armed conflict for the purposes of the applicability of international humanitarian law.' Further, 'the persons held at Guantanamo Bay are entitled to challenge the legality of their detention before a judicial body...and to obtain release if detention is found to lack a proper legal basis. This right is currently being violated...' and finally, 'the excessive violence used in many cases during transportation, in operations by the Initial Reaction Forces and force-feeding of detainees on hunger strike must be assessed as amounting to torture.'

The UN report on Guantanamo Bay recommends that 'The U.S. Government should close the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities without further delay.' I suggest you read the full report here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/bsp/hi/pdfs/16_02_06_un_guantanamo.pdf

This is part of an interview with a Guantanamo Bay detainee given through a legal representative to the BBC:

"I loved America. It freed my country from Saddam Hussein. My father fought with America against Saddam. I respected America. It stood for human rights and fairness around the world. America was the country we all looked up to."

What is your view now?

"It has abandoned all of its own traditions and beliefs which were the cause of my respect for it. As someone who lived in the US, I cannot believe the American people know what is happening down here. This is wrong."

WM-Deutschland: Day 1 in Dresden

2006-06-10T03:49:00.000-05:00

No, it's not a misprint. The World Cup is NOT in Dresden because the stadium here looks more like a vintage 60's Parteitaggelände for the DDR, but we (Adam and I), and Hannes are in Dresden, so this is where we spent opening day of the World Cup. The opening kickoff between Germany and Costa Rica coincided perfectly with our hour-long layover in Leipzig, so we watched the kick-off outside an Adidas store with some crazy Germans while cracking some beers (which were promptly re-capped when the Polizei informed us that there is Alkoholverbot in the mall area of the Bahnhof...at least he didn't hit us with a 'du bezahlst jetzt 20 Krone Alkoholstrafe!). In any case we got to watch the first jubilation as Germany went up one nil, and then the first sub-human growls as Costa Rica slipped past the German defense.
Our hour trip to Dresden on the ICE was uneventful, and we found out from the train guy that Germany had extended their lead against a fearsome side (ok, maybe not fearsome, but the Germans are still happy with the win). So then we arrived in Dresden, city of construction and the Semper Oper. The shaved-headed Hannes snuck up behind us and he quickly informed us that he missed the last 30 minutes just for us. He was already mildly intoxicated when he picked us up, but he still successfully led us to his abode, which is most fitting: a gray, forlorn, concrete block of a Studentenheim, this is the building that Hannes calls home. We're staying in some textbook Plattenbau with a towering smokestack looming over the view out the window. This is the former east Germany. Adam and I are completely fertig from the 11 train journey from Austria, so we shoot down Hannes' requests for hitting the discos at 2 AM (this is his suggested departure time, mind you). So we drink beers in Hannes' room, which has frighteningly similar attributes to Hannes' room of old. Poland and Ecuador at 9PM gets off to a fast start. I'm pulling for the upset, because in the picks that Adam and I wrote down, I figured, hey, Ecuador is in South America, right? Brazil is from there, too, so Ecuador must be pretty good as well. Turns out my bastardized betting logic actually worked, because Ecuador pretty much dominated the game and came out with the first surprise of the tournament, blanking a degraded Polish team (they're not really a country anyway, right, but just united ex-sections of the German and Russian Empire!). So thus ends our first day of the world cup, with Hannes characteristically stumbling around the room, tripping over Adam and I as we try to sleep off the train journey. Let the games begin. Photos will follow!

World Cup Fever

2006-06-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

Morsch's timely post has kicked off the StuSie's contemporaneous coverage of Germany 2006, or as I'm sure fans everywhere are already referring to it: WC2K6. I encourage all of you, especially those who are lucky enough to be in Deutschland during this next month to post on the subject and share your hopes, dreams and drunken predictions. In the spirit of the whole thing, and in keeping with my new-found affinity for embedded video, I give you Ronaldinho vs. Zidane:

The Role of a Woman during the World Cup

2006-05-31T05:56:00.000-05:00

I got these rules from a girl that I live next to...sorry about the german, but it is still pretty appropriate.

Benimmregeln für Frauen während der WM 2006:

Hausordnung in der Zeit vom 09.06. bis 09.07.2006

§ 1 In der Zeit vom 09.06. bis 09.07. ist der Mann absoluter Herrscher über TV-Gerät und dazugehörige Fernbedienung.

§ 2 Die Ehefrau beschäftigt sich in dieser Zeit stumm mit häuslichen Arbeiten.

§ 3 Vor jedem Spiel ist dem Mann eine Kiste mit kühlem alkoholhaltigem Bier neben den Fernsehsessel zu stellen. Wobei die Betonung auf kühl liegt.

§ 4 Während eines Spieles ist der Frau der Aufenthalt im Fernsehzimmer strengstens untersagt. Die Nachlieferung von Knabbereien und Bier ist jedoch möglich.

§ 5 In der Halbzeitpause besteht für die Frau ein 15-minütiges Betretungsrecht, um den Aschenbecher zu leeren und leere Getränkeflaschen durch frisch gekühlte volle Flaschen zu ersetzen. Bei Bedarf können diverse Knabbereien gereicht werden. Das Rascheln mit Tüten ist zu unterlassen. Der Gebrauch verbaler Kommunikation ist zu unterlassen.

§ 6 Spätestens 30 Minuten vor Beginn eines Spieles ist dem Mann eine mit Liebe zubereitete Mahlzeit zu reichen. Um die mentale Spielvorbereitung des Mannes nicht zu stören, ist auch in dieser Zeit die Schnatterluke geschlossen zu halten.

§ 7 Während der WM sind jegliche Handlungen, die der Fortpflanzung dienen könnten, zu unterlassen. Ebenso zu unterlassen ist das Tragen von Kleidung, die beim Mann das Verlagen nach solchen Handlungen auslösen könnte. Das Tragen entsprechender Kleidung und etwaige Handlungen können jedoch nach dem Schlusspfiff nachgeholt werden, vorausgesetzt das Spielergebnis fiel zur Zufriedenheit des Mannes aus.

§ 8 Sollte der Mann in seinem Großmut der Frau gestatten, die eine oder andere Minute einen Blick auf das Spiel zu werfen, sind Zwischenrufe sowie Fragen, die den fußballtechnischen Intellekt der Frau verraten würden (z.B.: "Was ist Abseits?") unbedingt zu unterlassen. Mit einem körperlichen Verweis bewehrt sind solche Bemerkungen wie z.B. "Ach, der Beckham sieht aber heute wieder gut aus."

Ja liebe Frauen, wenn ihr euch an diese minimalen Verhaltensregeln haltet, wird es euch euer Mann damit danken, dass er versuchen wird a) kein Bier zu verschütten b) nicht jeden Quadratzentimeter im Umkreis von 3 Metern um seinen Trainerstuhl (= Fernsehsessel) vollzubröseln c) beim Verzehr der unter § 6 genannten Mahlzeiten euch nicht ständig an die kulinarischen Fähigkeiten seiner Mutter zu erinnern

Eurovision Mocks Itself

2006-05-21T13:55:00.000-05:00

I'm amazed it didn't happen sooner, but the Eurovision Song Contest has finally collapsed under the weight of its own cheesiness. I remember watching it when I was a kid and back then Ireland used to win all the time, but I still thought it was crap. It's like the Olympics, but with only Europe instead of the whole world and with shitty ballads and pop songs instead of running and jumping and the like.

This year the Finnish entry, Lordi, took home the gold, or the trophy or whatever and they're touting it as a victory for metal fans everywhere. Now that would be true, because as I said the Eurovision has typically been about who can come up with the sappiest crooner (Ireland) or the sexiest lip-syncer (Sweden or Greece), but Lordi are about as metal as Creed. They're a bunch of D&D nerds in monster costumes playing some of the most ridiculous music I've ever heard. They're as hard as Camembert on a hot day and the resemblance doesn't stop there.

Their winning song is called "Hard Rock Hallelujah" and contains such gems as "it's the A-rock-alipse," and "the day of rock-ening." I think they envision themselves as a sort of Rob Zombie-Kiss fusion, but the problem is that, as much as I hate to say it, both Rob Zombie and Kiss have at least an iota of musical talent. Lordi is a high school band that was in the right place at the right time and have ridden a wave of anti-Eurovision sentiment to the very pinnacle of mediocrity. But don't take my word for it, watch the winning song...

Czechs and Balances?

2006-05-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

Some days I'd like to post but nothing seems worth talking about, and then there are days like today when I am compelled by the news to post on multiple topics. I will begin with the most interesting development in Czech politics since VÃ¡clav Klaus succeeded VÃ¡clav Havel as president - namely a fistfight. Sweet eh?
Apparently Czech dentists are a fiery bunch and during a recent debate/address to a group of such dentists, current presidential advisor, former deputy prime minister, dentist and full-time right-wing brawler Mr. Miroslav Macek took it to the next level by cracking the Czech health minister, Mr. David Rath on the back of the head. What was Mr. Macek's role in this supposed debate you ask? He was the moderator. Brilliant. Halfway through his opening address he left his podium and cracked the health minister upside the head. Then he returned to the podium as if that would be the end of it. The understandably stunned Mr. Rath got up to leave, then thought better of it, walked up to the podium and called Macek a coward. True to form, Macek started throwing haymakers and the rest, as they say, is history. Afterwards Macek explained that the initial slap was because Mr. Rath had said something about Macek's wife. Seriously though, this is two weeks before the elections. Two weeks. Just so you can get a feeling for the magic of this whole exchange I've included a pictorial (and quite literal) blow-by-blow. Here ya go buddy, that's for talkin' shit about my wife... Oh no you di'int... You want some of this? You wanna go bitch?You asked for it you prick dentist fucker. My tiger-style will defeat your dragon-style...

For video of this awesomeness go here.

Stusievideo

2006-05-12T16:23:00.000-05:00

For those of you who haven't caught on to the fact that internet explorer is possibly the worst browser in history, you may not have noticed that The Stusie has included a video clip on the right hand side of the screen for several weeks now. Using Firefox it's exaclty where it's supposed to be, but with IE the whole sidebar is relegated to the bottom of the page, so to notice it you'd have to scroll to the very bottom. If you haven't noticed it, I encourage you to do two things: (1) scroll down there and check it out, and (2) switch to firefox - it's more stable, less suseptable to viruses and updated more often.
This little video gem came over the ol' interweb this afternoon, and it's not to be missed, so I thought I'd put it right up here at the top. Turn the speakers on for this one folks, and prepare to enjoy the hell out of the next 6 minutes.

Just a Wii bit retarded

2006-05-11T09:57:00.000-05:00

I bet you thought Nintendo scrapped the whole 'we-should-come-up-with-a-way-to-make- dorito-eating-couch-dwelling-video- game-freaks-skinny-again' thing with the less-than-glorious fall of the Power Pad. Well, you were a 'Wii' bit wrong, because Nintendo's latest is a two handed controller with motion sensors. Yup, no more just pressing 'A' and watching your little marioesque tennis guy smashing a perfect overhead. Now youse gotta hit the ball yourself, you pathetic loser. By swinging the pictured suspicously-similar-to-the-original-Nintendo right hand controller (that's right, lefthanders, see you in hell) fast or slow, angled up or down, you can hit a hard or soft topspin or backspin ball over the net. Sounds straightforward enough, but I have just one question: if you're going to spend your precious 8 hours per day normally spent shootin Nazis/non-white terrorists and summoning magic whatnot on various hobgoblins and archmagi etc., instead mastering the precise movements of the new Wii controller, why not get the hell out of the house with some of your other hypernerd friends and play some bloody tennis. Maybe you'll look more human, too, after exposing your albinised skin to that big yellow orb called the sun.
The only thing I could think about when I read this article was that after toing (sp?) the line for years, the video game industry has finally gone too far. Our society is ill enough with cell phones, Hummers and Robbie Williams. What is somehow sick and ironic about playing tennis on the new Wii is that it takes these disturbed pixel-addicts tantalyzingly close to becoming a member of a healthy active community. But lo, you would never be able to get that hot girl on the screen to ever play tennis with you in real life, because you're still a loser sitting in front of a flat screen that you just spent a months' McDonald's pay on. Congratulations, you're hip...you're with it, you've got the latest in gaming technology.

Gettin rowdy on the Root River...

2006-05-10T01:47:00.000-05:00

Hey all, I also haven't had a chance to check this site out, but I thought I'd post it up here so all could take a look and see if this might work out. So here it is...the Root River!
From experience I can say that it is a good mix of nature and civilization. There are places where we could potentially dock the canoes and walk to a town to have lunch and raise some hell, or we could just stay on the river and camp in random places. The last time we went we just stopped at a big sandbar and that was that. Let me know what you think!

The Human Douchebag

2006-05-07T22:18:00.000-05:00

Git-wizard David Blaine is at it again. This time he's chosen to wow his knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing fans by staying underwater for seven days. He's in a giant aqua-sphere in front of New York's Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts and he's trying not to shit the tub. At the end of it all he'll attempt to hold his breath for 9 minutes to break the current world record for world's biggest chauch. In my mind, he's already done it.

for my transatlantic friends cut off from the joy of C-SPAN

2006-05-01T09:47:00.000-05:00

Enjoy a healthy portion of Roast Bush.....

c/o Stephen Colbert.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, you WILL experience some turbulence"

2006-04-24T04:51:00.000-05:00

Following a two-week period in which I had no fewer than four scheduled flights with the low- cost airline Ryanair, I thought it would be appropriate to give a little 'State-of-the-Cheap-Airline Address'. The so-called low cost airline is a relatively new animal in the travel business, and in the last decade or so has become a rather hefty animal at that.
Now, Ryanair must certainly be mentioned in any first breath about this new way to fly, and after rapid growth and adding loads of new destinations has comfortably asserted its position atop the poorman's-tourism foodchain. So how exactly does a low cost airline work, and what makes it different from a normal, run-of-the-mill, bankrupt-and-federally-subsidized airline like Delta, United, or any other American airline that isn't already a relic of the past (i.e. TWA, Pan-Am, u.s.w.)?
Many people who fly Ryanair for the first time look at the €0.99 price tag and think its a cruel joke. I mean its obvious that 200 passengers paying €0.99 a piece clearly still fails to pay even the baggage handlers for that flight, right? In fact, the €0.99 fares are only sold to people traveling a relatively unpopular route and who book their fare well in advance, so this simple arithmetical exercise is actually pointless and inaccurate. The answers to why Ryanair is so damn cheap are actually quite simple: 1.) Ryanair is, bluntly put, the crappiest airline in the world. They don't offer you a nice warm wet towel, they don't offer you quality canned tomato juice, they don't offer you a pillow, a newspaper, a bag of oversalted peanuts, and they sure as shit don't offer friendly service. Unless you're sleeping like a corpse as I was for the majority of the ride, you will be noticeably uncomfortable from the moment you line up in the airport to the moment you are given a half-hearted "bu-bye" from the crew. 2.) Ryanair has gone the route of many other companies in hiring a skeleton crew consisting completely of, A underqualified, B underaged, or C psychologically unstable employees. In looking for the worst and least qualified in airline services, Ryanair further tightens their budget belt and puts an exclamation point on reason number one for Ryanair's cheapness. On each flight I seem to encounter a new way in which the steward(ess)es are unfit to serve. Though this contributes to a certain suspense as to what will happen on the next flight, this feeling is understandably undesirable for most people boarding and signing their lives over to what must also be a cheap airplane. 3.) Ryanair flies to airports in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere. London Stanstead is a perfect example of this. The airport carries the prestigious and famous name of the capitol of England, but is located a whopping 2 hours from the city center (and that's if you don't find yourself in the 10-mile-long Schlange that often plagues the freeway). This fact obviously holds true for other cities like Bratislava (which is billed as Vienna) and Copenhagen (they land in Malmö, Sweden in another fucking country, for Petesake!). 4.) Perhaps the most intelligent and useful of the reasons Ryanair can charge €0.99 is that they have frighteningly fast turnover times. Because of the one-bag limit, the no assigned seat policy, and the fact that they never use the jet-ways, Ryanair is able to get old passengers off and new passengers on in about 30 mins., allowing them more flights. It's all a matter of efficiency, and foregoing such tedious excercises as technical inspections and checklists.
These are just a few of the ways Ryanair manages to be so cheap, but what is it really like to fly with the crappiest airline in the world? The experience begins two hours before flight time. The check-in gate opens, manned by the fantastic people that will later try to hawk you worthless goods on the plane. And by the way, when I say the gate opens, I mean exactly that. It seems that when an airline becomes cheap and unpolite enough, so do their passengers. As you will see throughout this description, everything about the Ryanair experience is a free-for-all, pack-of-wolves-on-a-gutpile type of experience. You are usually hit multiple times in the ankles by rolling luggage and sworn at a few times in various languages before you reach the counter (note: said free-for-alls become horribly worse in Austria, where people - even in everyday situations - don't queue). At this point you present your passport and hopefully very light piece of checked luggage. 15 kg are allowed, so you can basically pack two days worth of clothes and a toothbrush. After that they bend you over and charge you about €10 for every additional kilo. I surmise that this is another big way Ryanair is making ends meet despite bottom-basement prices.
The boarding process is free-for-all number two because there is no first class and there are no assigned seats. Though to me most of the seats appear more or less the same in a plane, it seems quite important to everyone be the first one into the machine. The kicking, swearing, and jockying process begins anew. I am reminded both of the skibus at Feldberg and pizza day at lunchtime in Elementary school as some smelly Irishman rubs against me with his massive Guinness-gut intent on getting an aisle seat so he has a spot for all of his extraneous girth.
Thankfully one is usually so exhausted by the first two portions of the trip that the flight passes in an unconscious state. However, if you were unlucky enough to have a 7 hour layover like myself, you probably did a lot of sleeping at Stanstead Airport and will therefore have to endure the salespeople disguised as stewardesses with all 5 senses in working order. For the next three hours or so the lovely crew lopes up and down the aisles not serving you cold coke, but peddling plush 'CrazyFrogs' and duty free cologne. It's not a baseball game for fucks sake. I don't want any cracker jacks or porcelein products.
So sit back in your non-reclineable seat and relax because you're basking in the luxury of an incredibly cost-effective flight. On the bright side, the feeling of satisfaction and relief upon reaching your destination is two-fold if not three, but you still find yourself pondering whether it was all worth it. It's appropriate to end with the motto of the poor traveller: "...But hey, at least I saved a few Euros, right?"

Gus der Hasenhund

2006-04-13T14:50:00.000-05:00

So alle, my first blog actually introduces a very close friend of mine of the last 13 years. His name is Gus, a.k.a. Gustav Gunderson, and recently known simply as Dr. Gunderson.

I am referring to the charming yellow lab with the cute pink ears and floral print bandana. Through his 13 years he has humped, jumped, pissed, pooped, and run his way to delinquent dog notoriety over several counties in Northeastern Wisconsin. This dog has more tickets than Robert Downey Jr. and Hugh Grant combined. I only wish I was as famous as this canine lover.

However, his breakneck lifestyle has finally caught up with him. We, the household, and all the neighbors, have noticed a decline in puppy exuberance even at age 13. The sneezing, sliming, puking, pussing, gagging, and slowly memory losing beast began showing much less gusto than the Gunderson we once knew. The old goat now has a disturbing puss hole under his chin and can barely find the door after taking a piss. Wait, at 23, I can barely find the door on most occasions...

Anyway, Gus has subsequently been diagnosed with lung cancer. I almost feel guilty in a way. I thought I would be diagnosed with the black lung before old Dr. Gunderson. We always did say that when Gus ran away he was whoring himself out to the lady tramps and bitches on the seedy beaches of Lake Michigan. I can see him with a whiskey and cigar now... it all makes sense. The only other possibility is that he ate all the grit burn butts I left in the backyard after high school. I will not, however, take any responsibilty for the diagnosis of Gustav. As my chain smoking Aunt Mary said, "See, you don't have to be a smoker to get lung cancer." She is right, but it really improves your odds though.

Gus' fate lies strictly in my father's tolerance to clean puke and release the hound hourly to a very yellow and fading lawn. Good Friday might not be so great for us, but if Gus goes down tomorrow, I'll have a tough time forgetting that Gus went down with the greatest. Happy quiet Friday afternoon, either for Gus or JC, and you all enjoy the weekend and holiday-especially those in Europe who get Monday off.

Bon Nuit avec une cigarette.

2006-04-05T09:24:00.001-05:00

$250 Billion dollars would buy......

Be sure to examine the front page as well....

where else but to the liars can you look to find the lies of other liars...

2006-03-29T13:47:00.000-06:00

"Bush said Iraq's instability 'is the legacy of Saddam -- a tyrant who exacerbated ethnic divisions to keep himself in power.'"

But where did he (Saddam) get his power, and planes, and guns, and helicopters, and missiles, and means to produce sarin? HMMM?!!? Take a flying stab...(hint: it wasn't Guam). Ensure that mid-stab or lunge you don't fall in the memory hole....you'll find Henry Kissinger's curriculum vitae (or should I say mortae) along with Universal Healthcare and the bird-shit like remainders of trickle-down Reaganomics.

Irony: Reagan's physiology became a series of trickles and drips too, didn't it?

(....too soon?)

Bush is only the turtle head of a post-kebab enslaught and even then only a micron of the vile precipitate that's fallen out of the supersaturation of assholes in solution (which is to me, beyond insolvent) that composes our supposed democracy and its process. I do think 'we' have one, but it isn't advertised, nor is it bolstered by firepower...it's old fashioned....and makes for poor ratings.

I think they're just making things up...but yeah, don't quote me on that...it's not, you know.....beyond evident. There's a word for that.....a priori? no....axiomatic? no.....oh, both!

So...

Hey Iran, whaddya gon' do?

Oh yeah, the nuclear thing....hey, it worked in N Korea, and...Israel, India, Pakistan, China, Russia....

I guess you can't say Bush is wholly inept. There is a singular massive doctrine I can say with surety that has been widespread by the US -

(which is quizzically, both on us and not us [get it US...and then then the ONUS of what's on us...christ]...maybe someday we'll be able to say, hey China, Iran....Iraq, Phillipines, Japan, Korea, Guatemala, anyone else we force fed fire or death or gangrene, so I guess, hey WORLD....*blink* *smirk*.....so, uh, hey, um, how's that uh, over there, hmmm, you got enough water and soylent green hmmm? so, hey, about that thing, you know, the pogrom after pogram for gas for cars that don't run because there's no oxygen left.....hey.....no hard feelings? no-n-n-no no put away the leftover bamboo and hot pokers.....NO NONOOOOO!!! NO! FREEDOM!!! LOVE!!! JOHN LENNON FUCKERS!!!!!)

- it isn't democracy...it's the ploy that unless you want to die under our boot heel, you need to strap up your tootsies with the megatonnage, and be obstinate about giving it up or even hiding it....because if you hide it OH!, we'll find it bitches....sand isn't hard to sift man...also preferably you need to look peculiar and wear many-fashion-seasons-ago glasses and/or Michael-Jackson-in-sovereignty sorts of pseudo-military accoutrements and bling. Also have a very non-white name....and include bin or al and always end your last name in a vowel or the letter q. And don't alliterate. Allah and Jesus are both anti-alliteration....they were simple men.

Finally, I vote (but hey who am I?) that we just drop Kirstie Alley and one (unless in an Hiroshiman defiance [those {as Truman implied} armed to the teeth bastards!] do they resist TWO, that's BOTH) of Pam Andersons breasts on the coast....I mean, hello! Oil floats on water, right?

3M has the patent on that machine....the oil-from-seawater sifter thing....buy up.

Google is probably in on something too. Maybe they know where the WMDs are....they assisted me in the semi-utile discovery that the reason Diabetes Mellitus is called such is due to the nature and flavor of one afflicted with said disorder and its tendency to have a sweet and pleasant tasting micturation.

We're caught in the middle of an inter-lockerbank jock pisssing duel and well...unless diabetes is the order of the day, or jellyfish stings are the new pandemic (and with the wayward giga-mammary that probably just flooded the four reaches of the Atlantic, that's now pretty likely) our best interest is to rise up, and slap their soft parts into the nearest available rusted, metallic substrate and I do mean shamelessly.

Show me the X, I want that job.

In Cod We Tryst.

Christopher "Thufir" Howe

Photos des Tages

2006-03-27T00:24:00.000-06:00

Zirka 00.45 Uhr: The usual shenanigans ensue this weekend in Wien. What isn't usual is that we spot an oasis mitten im Haburgischen Reich: Tannenzäpfle 1000 km away from the Tiefhochschwarzwald.

Zirka 08.15: Leaving the bar in a state of mental confusion and locomotive instability. Morgengrau. Said condition causes consequent indecision and perplexity.

Zirka 11.25: Copulation in the Eisbär paddock. Bilingual commentary provided by Arne Sattler (in the presence of several Kinder born after the Jahrhundertwende).

Döner and a Movie

2006-03-21T04:27:00.000-06:00

It's gonna be damn hard to top a good ol' St. Paul gunpoint mugging, but I guess I'll strike back with the story of what has become a European staple. The Döner Kebap, which I have learned is translated literally (and fittingly) as 'roasted rotating meat' (well, the meat part isn't so fitting in some cases), is a Turkish dish that originates in the Turkish town of Erzurum, Turkey. Now, we all know the Döner Kebap (or Yufka) from Germany and Austria: some greasy-ass meat served in a pita-like bread or wrap with veggies and sauce. The original Döner would have been from a horizontal Spieß and served like the German Döner Teller, without the bread. What's interesting is that the Döner as we know it today actually originated in Berlin in the 80's (I knew something useful must have come out of that decade).

History aside, the Döner is here to stay, and it is no doubt the definition of greasy deliciousness. In a mere 24 hours, the Germans slide 200-300 metric tons of Döner into their gullets. On many weekends I think I've accounted for at least 3 of those. One wonders how the whole morbid obesity problem hasn't snuck into Europe via the Döner route, but I guess since most people actually walk to and from the Döner shop they avoid this fate and are thus just overweight. But anyway, what I find funny about my current situation - living in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere in Austria - is that whenever I venture out of the Ennstal to bigger and dirtier places, I literally have what one could call a 'Dönerwochenende'. Sure, we plan activities like museum tours, boozing, shopping, or movies, but I'll be honest, the real reason I go is to inhale multiple Döners for multiple consecutive days in a sickeningly short amount of aggregate time. The funny part is that there's a restaurant in Stainach where I can besorg a Kebap without leaving my cozy little valley, but for some reason I opt for saving myself up for one big binge in Vienna, Graz, or Munich...

On Friday, the 18th of March, Patty's Day, we strolled out of the Hauptbahnhof and scanned left and right. We had already walked past one Döner stand, but since a certain story told by a certain someone...something something Munich train station, something something bacteria-infested train bathroom, something something depositing innards all over the tracks...well, it suffices to say I avoid the dreaded Bahnhof Döner. It's a risk one doesn't have to take; namely, because oddly enough, some of the best damn Döners I've ever had are actually visible from the main entrance of every major train station in central Europe. Graz is no exception. As we scanned left and right, we spotted what could only have been Turkish writing kitty corner from the Bahnhof. I feel like at this point in time I could spot one of these signs from 4 blocks away. As we neared the small establishment, its dirtiness became more and more apparent. What looked like a perfectly good sign was cracked and covered in staub, and some of the clientele exiting the establishment were less than savory. Contrary to the belief of the Döner-Anfänger, this should not deter any potential Döner-Fresser. In fact, I've found that in many cases, schmutz = tasty goodness. In other words live farm animals sauntering aimlessly across a dirty linoleum floor and overflowing garbage bins probably means you'll be in for the Döner to end all Döners.

That said, we should talk about alternatives to the small, dirty, former run-down-shoe-repair-shop type of Laden. Some ultra-modern Döner shops have gone the McDonald's route, with obnoxious color schemes, spotless pleather booths and new-fangled methods for Döner-efficiency. This archetype is also usually accompanied by some sort of clever slogan like "Döner for two" or "Kebap Kraziness". This is a red flag for a shit Döner. They have forgone the whole process of perfecting the Döner-making-process, and spent all of their precious time doing unnecessary things like kitsching up the place, cleaning the floor, and providing disposal bins for garbage. Take it from me, you might be sitting comfortably at a clean orange and yellow table, but you'll be eating spongy-ass bread with a mysterious meat-like substance and one lonely microscopically-sized stem-end-piece of a tomato. That's right. Not worth your hard-earned 2 Euros. You've been had, and all you've got to show for it is some wicked gut-rot.

So now that I've convinced you to 'go dirty', we can discuss about cultural experience that is the Döner shop. Many times I have come across the Döner shop/Minority Hangout. In other words, the place where all the owners' buddies hang out, smoke hookahs, and are notably not consuming Döners. You'll also find that at these places you are often confronted first with English, then German. Also, much like the typical Parthenon experience in Madison, your food is actually ordered for you. As you walk in, you don't hear 'Tag', or 'Servus', or 'hello', but 'Kebap mit allem!' (note the abscence of a question mark). The German is also usually far from perfect (I think I have heard every possible variation of the phrase mit allem, mit alles, mit alle, mit allen, u.s.w.), but I think we can give the Döner-artist some credit and say that they're at least making an attempt. To further pat the backs of Döner-artists everywhere, I have encountered some of the most talkative and interesting 'Germans' in Döner shops.

Now that you've got your Döner in hand, you're ready to brush your teeth with it. Döners are not enjoyed, they are devoured. Yufkas aren't savored, they're demolished. And if you're cool like Jon and I, you say 'fuck it' and do it in a Sakko. I praise the Döner - shit, I bow down to the Döner as both the best drunk food and the best hangover food in the world, and I beseech the EU to let in the Turks, if only to get rid of the few surviving shitty shnitzel stands that are occupying potential Döner space. Long live the Kebap!

St. Patrick's Day: Ein Rückblick

2006-03-18T19:27:00.000-06:00

I've never been to Chicago, New York, Boston or Savannah for St. Patrick's Day, but I have spent more than a dozen on the Emerald Isle itself and I can honestly say I've never seen anything like St. Paddy's in St. Paul. Maybe the "saint" in the city's name should have tipped me off, but even knowing that St. Paul is an "Irish" city, I really had no idea how totally mental people here go on March 17th. Lissi works at the Liffey downtown and she spent 11 hours there yesterday peddling booze among the hyper-dense crushloads of revellers. Every Irish pub in the city (and there are dozens) had added capacity with enormous tents but no amount of pre-planning prepared them for the crowds that magically materialized on Friday morning. Yeah, that's right, Friday morning. Lissi said that not only was her bar full, but people actually chanted a countdown to 8:00am when alcohol sales can legally start for the day.

We spent the night at the Muddy Pig since as I mentioned, every Irish pub in town was shitpacked. The truly defining event of the day for us however, occurred en route to said bar. It's not far from our place, which is clutch, since no driving was necessary - or so we thought. With hindsight maybe it would have been a good idea. We set out on our two block trek just after 8:30pm and we didn't get more than a block before we were mugged at gunpoint. Neat, eh? Nice to know the neighborhood is thriving. Our two young assailants relieved us of about $115 in cash, but thankfully had little interest in our wallets, usw. What was remarkable about the whole thing was the calmness that pervaded the transaction. They were obviously young, although I couldn't see their faces because of their puffy jackets, pulled up sweatshirts and enormous hoods, but I did see the gun. Neither Lissi or I were particularly phased by the encounter, which I attribute to our muggers' relatively non-threatening physiques and to the amount of whiskey we'd previously consumed. Long story short, we continued to the bar where Joey was nice enough to buy us drinks and we had quite the story to tell. I reported the incident this morning and none of the officers could seem to figure out why we hadn't reported an aggravated robbery until 18 hours after it happened. I guess they don't understand how seriously people take their St. Paddy's partying in St. Paul.

On a separate note, I was semi-amused to see that Sinn Fein figurehead Gerry Adams didn't make it to a talk he was supposed to make yesterday in Buffalo, NY because he was detained when his name showed up on a "secondary screening" list at the airport. Mr. Adams, while acknowledging the "need for vigilance," felt that "Sinn Fein members are the victims of an unacceptable and unfair administrative practice." Interesting how the leader of the political wing of a terrorist organization feels unfairly targeted by anti-terrorist security measures. He is pretty notorious for his Gerry-centric viewpoints I suppose.

I don't really have anything worth saying about Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's annual St. Patrick's Day visit to the White House, but I really wanted to include the picture of him giving Bush a pot of shamrocks. Between Bertie and Gerry, it seems that everyone who's anyone in Ireland ends up in Washington for St. Paddy's. Too bad that's the only day of the year Bush has any time for Irish politics, but judging from the look on his face, I'm guessing the discussion doesn't get much further than green beer.

Quadrupedia: The Who?

2006-03-07T22:27:00.000-06:00

This just in - a family in Turkey has come to the world's attention because of their proclivity for quadrupedalism, meaning of course that they walk on all fours. I'm totally not making this up. Apparently there's a potential genetic reason for their idiosyncratically über-old-school locomotion. The people in question are five siblings who use their palms like heels, which is apparently different enough from how chimps walk to allow them to retain the use of their fine motor skills. Chimps are notoriously bad at crochet, but the women in this family can darn a sock in no time, which is probably a good thing, since they're going to need twice as many as most people. There's video of one of the women here.

"Two daughters and a son have only ever walked on two palms and two feet, with their extended legs, while another daughter and son occasionally manage a form of two-footed walking. The five can stand up, but only for a short time, with both knees and head flexed."

I don't know how one goes about flexing one's head, but naturally this has scientists everywhere getting all puffed up about the possible consequences of a bipedal gene (that is presumably defective in this case) and a whole host of other crack-pot theories, including some from our friends over at the Max Planck Institute. The family will feature in a documentary on BBC Two on Friday March 17 at 21:00 GMT, but since that Friday also happens to be St. Paddy's Day, it's unlikely anyone who reads this blog will catch it.

What I THINK...

2006-03-06T04:29:00.000-06:00

I’ve had plenty of time to brood, to ponder, to muse and to mull. I’ve deliberated and considered, reasoned and reflected. The more time I invested, the more effort I spent, left me less and less certain, what exactly I meant. In the end it was all for naught: I put elbow to knee, fist to chin, and just simply thought:
I think Austria’s grandiose celebrations of MOZART’S 250th birthday are getting way outta hand. I also think his BALLS are highly overrated. In fact, I think BACH was the best classical composer of all time. I think John LENNON was the most gifted Beatle, and I think RINGO Starr was a joke. I think the U.S. is going to have to undergo some serious CATHARSIS before it removes itself from its descent into decadence and moral depravity. I think that MORALITY is relative. I think I CAN, I think I CAN. I think ROCKS, given their docile temperament, can make particularly good pets. I think the AXIS OF EVIL is more of a whole sphere of evil, and we’re all in it. I think the OLYMPIC GAMES are very gradually losing their luster. I think the RECIPE FOR RAP is to string a handful of proverbs together and loop them with the cocking of a large-bore firearm: ‘Put your money where your mouth is.’ I think eating three DÖNERS in one sitting is mighty tasty, but in the end and in more ways than one, a disgusting and ill-advised plan of action. I think the ANTICHRIST should just make himself known to us so we can get on with this whole ‘end of days’ thing (that’s your cue, Mr. Cheney). I think I’m feeling a bit LIGHT HEADED. COGITO ergo sum. Amen, good luck, and gute Nacht.

The Toiler's Papers

2006-02-25T10:27:00.000-06:00

Having taking some inspiration from Mistfink's piece regaling us with a week in the life of an American assistant in Austria I felt compelled to respond with a day in the life of an Englishman in Vienna. The following recounts the toils and tribulations of the said Englishman. Any comments would be greatly appreciated however cruel and critical they might be.

TP
The toilet roll in my bag as I pull out this notebook gives me something to write about at least as the tram slews round one curve, then another and a computerised voice is telling me to umsteigen. It is the voice of Stephen Hawking’s Austrian cousin so familiar to all of us now as the voice of faceless, soulless and perhaps powerless authority. We arrive at Oper, the sun no longer spreading itself across the pedestrianised pavement plain, the smell of Wiener Würstl and hunks of chicken sweating on a spit lingering in the air. The door closes. I am still on the tram…

…and the toilet roll is still in my bag, alongside 8 packets of Mayfair cigarettes; another tea-soaked Madeleine which draws my thoughts like goatskin on a drum across the cloud-scudded sky of day…

…I change trams, another whiff of kebab, the D to the 49, not that numbers matter, briefly checking the timetable. A blue uniform with an embossed hat and badge waits for the same tram – but no, my paranoia is unfounded, I’m not carrying anything and they wouldn’t check me anyway: aside from the jacket I look British not Slavic…

…I have decided to write only while the tram is moving: Robert Louis Stephenson said travelling is better than arriving; I say writing while travelling keeps the ink flowing thick and fast as my thoughts coagulate onto the page…

…I’ve missed my stop…

…And I’m waiting again, the jazz guitarist’s wry grin fading, the clarinet’s tones reverberating and I write as I step onto the 14A heading homewards now. I write to the lull and sway of the bus as it pulls in to stops, ticks over at traffic lights, accelerates out of junctions. A small girl, her large face nuzzling at a book, mp3 player blocking out the public around her, wants to get off the bus. I let her out and glance at the book wondering what the average Austrian is reading nowadays. It is still the fucking Da Vinci Code…

The day began with a coffee, naturally, no milk – we had run out – and bleary eyed I had drunk down the mud: surely my first act of exploitation of the day. Somebody somewhere was making me feel guilty about stimulating my central nervous system on a daily basis in this way so I added another sugar to get the bitter taste of having what many have not out of my mouth – sugar from the Caribbean no doubt – but it says Viennese Sugar on the bag and I think it probably originates from sugar beets grown in the subsidy rich EU. The guilt dissolves like the sugar into the mud of the modern metropolis.

The coffee has me in my usual jittery, tense state and I’m heading for my first ever video-conference. At TelekomAustria a bespectacled man awaits me, burly and stout. He warms to me when I tell him I am a video-conference virgin. ‘Your first time eh?’

I look at myself on the screen: this unsettling doppelganger effect, my pixellated image reflected back at me on the left, an artificial eye in the centre, a blank screen – the space reserved for my interviewers – on the right. I shuffle uneasily and tell my aide to have the camera focus on my upper body, not my hands: I fidget too much.

The job interview goes well and I stroll out of the 21st century working space, functional and plush, the industrial feel part style, part economy, a post-post modernism, no longer playful or Jencksian, merely vast loping spaces and beglassed surfaces like a well thought out hive of the Corporation of the Now, the coca-colonised world gone incredibly, unbearably sane and ordered. But I look at my environment and I realise that I could fit if I wanted to and it could fit to me. I do not swagger, but feel that if I did, I could pull it off. In the bowels of the Corporation – the cafeteria – I drink my special reduced rate but full flavour coffee and stare at the glass that houses the autonomous automaton. In all of this and more I am complicit, but I have my own problems.

The interview was for a job in Singapore. The problem of employment one we all hope to solve on our terms, not on the terms meted out to us by most employers. Singapore, an island state the size of Washington D.C. with a standard of living equal to what we have to come to expect in Western Europe. Dominated by shrewd, Chinese businessmen; this little nation was still going places. Voting was compulsory and capital and corporal punishments were accepted as necessary adjuncts to the rather extreme brand of democracy practised there. Providing one did not smuggle drugs it seemed like a nice place to build a future for the money was good and the climate always warm.

I am applying for a new passport as the old one will be no good if I get the job in Singapore so I go to a booth to get my pictures taken against a ‘white background.’

It takes me 45 minutes trapsing up and down the streets of Vienna to find a working booth that hasn’t been used as a public toilet. It is in Matzleinsdorferplatz – a 70s subway station of the future. Amongst the glazed beige brick walls echoing the hollow rattle of the trams I come across a booth and sit down inside it. Cigarette burns cover the operating board and screen but it still functions. The chair doesn’t swivel as it should so I have to stoop with my head to one side in order to fit my profile within the oval outline on the screen. The booth lacks a curtain to protect me from the scrutinising gazes of the commuters who pass me by, so I wear my privacy publicly. Humiliation: to cringingly smile, feigning the kind of bored contentment which would hopefully bypass comparisons of my image with mugshots of IRA paramilitaries or moors murderers, my dim-witted expression laid bare for all onlookers to see. I cannot look content: my face won’t allow itself to be portayed in such a way in such circumstances. ‘Your pictures will be ready in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3...’ you get the idea.

I claim the photos and realise the white background is grey and the face is blurred. The top of my head is cut off. Dissappointing. I wait for my change but the booth is uncooperative – I become its next victim, its intermittent vibrating its victory lambada. It has robbed me of 1€ and probably also the 5€ I paid for these sloppy pixellated copies of myself.

I look at mediated images of myself for the second time today, my face a whore to the lens of circumspection, my public image a blurred, chopped, swarthy impression of my features obtained from a curtainless, fusty smelling but smarmy booth. The machine has won again. I walk, clutching the photos in my hand, dejected.

Somewhere, in another kind of booth, I drank coffee. Somewhere I slowed my stride to listen to street-jazz. Somewhere I rode the tram. Somewhere I missed my stop because somewhere I was writing. I continue writing now. I regret not giving money to the jazz musician who had coyly smiled at me as I unwound to the sound of a warbling clarinet in the city’s underground. Instead I gave money to an ungrateful grumpy machine that stole my soul and charged me for it and deep down inside somewhere it wrankles. It’s all wrong this way of living and I haven’t seen the sun in at least a week. Nowhere.

Everywhere I need to go in Vienna today, the tram goes – or the bus – so I’m back on the tram riding to the British embassy but the sun shining for the first time in a week makes me want to walk the last stretch. Enjoying the shadows makes me late: the embassy is only open two hours a day so I break into a run but I need to piss. No toilet to be seen anywhere.

I finally enter the embassy grounds, five minutes before closing, a nondescript concrete barrier – the kind one finds separating autobahn lanes – blocking my path.
‘No groups’ says a sign. I am addressed in German. I reply in English, pointing to the edifice in front of me, ‘This is open for passport renewal isn’t it?’

My bag is checked, I am frisked; my mobile phone must be switched off. I am guided through a metal detector. The guard is amiable, understanding, an ex-squaddie for sure but it doesn’t immediately show. His mousy red hair and freckles undermine his status as an authority figure.

I pass onto British soil and immediately the atmosphere changes, time seems to distort. Pamphlets are laid out neatly explaining various aspects of the British passport process, British nationals abroad, what your embassy can and can’t do, right of abode, FAQ’s, and everything seems spiffingly civil. I immediately feel that I should queue even though I am the only person here but I resolve never to use the phrase, ‘if it’s not too much trouble’ during my sojourn on British soil however many doors such a phrase might open. I am a British subject but I will not subordinate myself to the state to which I am an equal member. The class system – according to those in the know – the middle classes that is – has been abolished by new legislation introduced into the British educational system in 2002.

The pictures are no good. The background is apparently ‘off-white’ rather than white. I protest, ‘I paid 5€ for that – 6 actually.’ Deaf ears, ‘Look you can still tell it’s me,’ although she can read my lips. ‘Sorry, the machine won’t be able to read it.’

At some point you begin to wonder whether we are still controlling the machines or whether they are controlling us, running it all for us, but not for our benefit. The experience of being back on British soil, confronted with the same people, controlled only by more up-to-date machines – like seeing an image of myself talking into a video camera – is an uncanny one. The prickly authoritative air that this woman before me carries betrays a life of pent-up disappointment which seeks expression through the reinforced glass in the words,

‘I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow.’

But it’s my time and not hers: she gets paid to sit there and I and all other British subjects pay her to do it.

‘And be sure to have all the forms filled out correctly next time.’

Like I am wasting her time, keeping her from the next chapter of the Da Vinci Code. I tell her what she wants to hear:

‘Okay, okay, so if this is about you proving that you are better than me in every way, then I can tell you now; you’re better than me in every way. Satisfied? Now, can we continue with my application?’

She smiles, a cracked smile, sweet in its own way as if someone has just flicked a peanut at her clitoris.

‘Do you have the money?’
‘What money?’
‘I can’t process it without the 107€ handling fee.’
‘Don’t handle it then: I can give it to the machine – you don’t have to do anything.’

(In the end I go back the next day but I have given my landline number and not my mobile number on the application form and this proves another major stumbling block. She asks me for the number. I don’t know it. She looks at me incredulously and says she can’t believe I don’t know my own mobile number. I tell her that I don’t know about her but I am never so lonely that I need to call myself. So I am forced to go outside – as I can’t turn on my mobile phone on British soil – through the metal detector and into the carless street and I sit on the concrete barrier with a pen in one hand accessing my number while being watched by at least three surveillance cameras and thinking about why power feels it needs to protect itself so heavily with so many new-fangled devices and safety precautions because if power really were power then the protection wouldn’t be necessary. A power that is so paranoid is insecure and unstable and therefore maybe should not be in power at all, especially when that power seems to suspect every one of its citizens: citizens who gave that power permission to be in the first place. The security guard sees I am getting distressed and is apologetic, telling me, ‘rules are rules’…and death is death, ink is ink and democracy is words. I go back in with the number scrawled onto my palm but when I hand over the money – the ‘handling fee’ – I am told that I need to bring the correct amount – a 100€ and a 50€ note are too much. My mistake, I obviously did not read the small print carefully enough. Good ‘ol Britain – or was this a newer Britain? This was a Britain that wanted to chain you to the bed but punish you if you fell asleep. I return finally for a third day and her wry smile says it all – she has made her point, she and her government have won but I will, in at least four weeks, get a new passport with my own biometric information in it for every border guard to verify at his will.)

After the embassy my bladder is about to explode but with the high security I dare not go in a nearby bush or tree and so I walk through the faceless streets, the facades looming.

After half an hour walking, the sun is going down but there is a toilet. I pay the 50cents to the machine which guards the door grudgingly as my visit is brief. And so I pick up the toilet roll – if only to get my money’s worth – and now I sit on the 14A, my hand holding the pen that writes these words, my eye focussing, my mind absent, stunned, stymied.

I get off the 14a and tape the cigarette packets I had bought together into one bundle and place them in an A4 envelope. They are for my mother who is loathe to buy cigarettes in the U.K. especially when her son in Vienna can buy them for a third of the price and post them onto her every couple of weeks.

Irving, Pfarrad Get Their Wings Clipped

2006-02-20T22:42:00.000-06:00

Freedom of expression in Osterreich was dealt two harsh blows in the past few days with the conviction of Holocaust denier and eyebrow farmer David Irving and the blatant censorship of Pfarrad's latest posting on The Stusie. I will address the latter first, and admit culpability. It was indeed none other than der Staubsauger himself who swooped in (it was a slow swoop) and materially altered the graphic depiction that embodied Pfarrad's sacred right to make us nauseous. The timing was poor, because I was about to post about Herr Irving anyway and the aggregate of the two events is going to make me seem like a book-burning asshole. C'est La Vie.

So Irving got the book thrown at him yesterday, not the whole book mind you, but a good few chapters - he got three years for a speech he gave back in '89 in which he argued that the Nazi's hadn't, actually, killed millions of Jews during WWII and that the gas chambers at Auschwitz were completely fictional. Now, as most of us know, there are laws against such speech in eleven countries including Austria. Mr. Irving was not unaware of these laws, he simply chose to disobey them. At his trial he argued that his views have changed since then, and he no longer denies that many Jews died at the hands of the Nazis or that there were gas chambers, but since he was arrested while in the country to speak to a right-wing conservative fraternity, he can't have changed his stripes too much.

The big question behind all of this then, is whether freedom of speech/expression exists in Europe in the way it supposedly exists in the U.S. The answer, at least with regard to reactionary perspectives, is no, and I don't think that's a bad thing. It's difficult to argue that it's okay to curtail basic freedoms with respect to certain topics while still opposing censorship and oppression, but I'm going to try. There are several important differences between say, the Bush administration throwing out the right to privacy in favor of unauthorized wiretapping and the Austrian statute that makes Holocaust denial a crime. First and foremost, the Austrian statute is legal, by which I mean it was proposed and adopted as legislation through the usual process, and the citizens affected are under fair notice of what the law means for them. By contrast, the NSA wiretapping has been conducted clandestinely, and although the administration defends them as being constitutional under the Authorization for the Use of Military Force (AUMF), when the record is more closely examined, as it has been by Professor Lawrence Tribe of Harvard Law, it can be seen that this is certainly not the case, and in fact they are clearly unconstitutional when considered in the light of the Foreign Intelligence surveillance Act (FISA) of 1978.

Second, the Austrian statutory prohibition on Holocaust denial is a small exception to an otherwise free society based on the cultural scars of recent history. It is possible that such laws will, as Irving himself contends, fade away in the future, although I don't see it happening any time soon, especially in light of his conviction. In contrast, the NSA wiretapping program has been forced upon an unsuspecting American public based on classified intelligence that cannot be shared for risk of compromising it. That's all well and good, but wasn't it exactly this type of secret intelligence that this administration asked us to "just trust them" on when we began our WMD Easter egg hunt that transformed Iraq from a clusterfuck to a clusterfuck that we're responsible for.

In summary, Irving bad, Austria good, Bush bad, Professor Tribe good, tubgirl bad, Pfarrad good.

The Fury of Democracy

2006-02-17T13:42:00.000-06:00

Yes…well…there is a point to the picture above, trust me…its about freedom of opinion you see. I am simply exercising my right to publish whatever the fuck I like and tough shit if any of you out there have a problem with it. Not my problem. Well, apparently, the image above is not as outrageous as the images created by some ‘zany’ Danish cartoonists, pictures which I will discuss presently.

If you want to see the offending images, check out wikipedia. In my opinion the images are crass insults masquerading as 'satire' - the one with Mohammed carrying a bomb in his turban beggars belief. Yeh, why not insult all muslims for the sins of a handful of ‘freedom fighters’. (I am sick and tired of the word terrorist being directed at people who are fighting – rightly or wrongly – for what they believe in and the loaded connotations behind that word suggest these people are evil incarnate thus preventing us seeing the motives for their crimes as anything more than the promotion of ‘terror’ itself. Lest we forget, the infidels – the Americans – are still occupying (and collaborating with) the most fundamental of all Muslim nation states: Saudi Arabia. This is a country where there is no hint of a democratic process and women are not allowed to drive (ok…well…maybe not such a bad idea after all) and moreover, a country which funds many of the medhersas (Koranic schools) in other more moderate Islamic countries which promote their extreme brand of Islam known as wahhabism. Imagine that, the USA allied to the most extremist muslim country in the world, while at the same time seeking through its administration and media to create a paradigm which has the West at war with this religion? Yet there has never been any talk of why these terrorists do what they do – such as in order to drive the infidels out of the holy land once and for all. Thus throughout this blog I will use the contentious term ‘freedom fighter’ interchangeably with the equally contentious term ‘terrorist’ as it is not the author’s intention to display bias on such a controversial topic.)

One commentator described these caricatures as the ‘Life of Brian’ for Islam. That may be so, with one fundamental (loaded word) difference: Life of Brian was funny. And this isn’t about Meinungsfreiheit either as you don’t get people publishing pictures of tubgirl in their newspapers and then afterwards stating ‘we’re only expressing our freedom of opinion.’ There are some standards of decency which are unspoken but adhered to nevertheless. I wouldn’t portray Jesus in the way Mohammed was portrayed even though in Christianity we are allowed to depict our prophet – a fundamental (that word again) difference between our two religions.

Governments, furthermore, have a responsibility to their citizens to maintain the peace and I don’t see this being done when a Danish newspaper is allowed to republish their caricatures in a country of 200,000 muslims. This smacks of racism in a country which until recently had a radio station, supported by government subsidies, that declared itself as ‘national socialist’. Well, the Jews are gone from Europe so no-one can say Hitler wasn’t successful in this respect, the problem now though, is that they’ve been replaced with muslims.

The right-wing government in Denmark clearly should shoulder some of the blame for the present outrage in Islamic countries although we should also bear in mind, that the countries where the most outrage has been ‘reported’ (how many people did you count taking part in these riots? One thousand?) have a vested interest in turning the rage of its populace outwards towards the West (much as the US is doing in reverse with its own population). Denmark’s Jyllands-Posten therefore – as well as other newspapers around Europe including a few here in Austria – are helping to create this polarisation between East and West, all in the name of ‘freedom of opinion.’ Authoritarian regimes all need to give their populace a way to vent their anger: I vent mine by publishing a picture of tubgirl. Enjoy.

Don't Be A Dick.

2006-02-15T14:07:00.000-06:00

Word to the Mistfink. The best part of Mr. Cheney's day out in my opinion however, is that Dick et al. were hunting quail whose wings had been clipped beforehand. Not only is that cowardly, unsporting bullshit and probably not much fun, but these birds can't fly more than about three feet off the ground, yet Dick shot his elderly hunting partner IN THE FACE. Unless this geriatric lawyer is also a midget, it's time for Dick to start answering some serious questions.
This particular scandal IS more entertaining than most, but given that (as Ariana Huffington recently pointed out) it was only a few days ago we learned that Cheney might have authorized his former aide Scooter Libby to leak classified information to reporters, it's shameful that that story didn't generate a tiny fraction of the coverage.

As NYT's Maureen Dowd put it:

"With American soldiers dying in Iraq, Five-Deferment Dick 'I Had Other Priorities in the 60s Than Military Service' Cheney gets his macho kicks gunning down little birds and the occasional old man while W rides his bike, blissfully oblivious to any collateral damage."

If this is what it takes to get the voters of this country to sit up and take notice of the atrocities being perpetrated by this administration, we're in a sad state of affairs indeed. By my count this administration has brought us: unilateral war, military detainees, shitty intelligence, intelligence leaks, illegal wiretaps, no healthcare, no social safety net, no surplus, a nice fat deficit, a Katrina response that borders on criminal negligence and a Vice President who shoots old people. Anyone ever heard of accountability?

Mistfink in da U.S.A.

2006-02-15T10:29:00.000-06:00

Well, twenty-four hours, two snowstorms and one miserably subpar dinner of ravioli later, I've made it back to the land of SUVs, GOPs, and McD's. After nearly being stranded in the Ennstal due to the latest blizzard in a winter that has dropped more than 3 meters in many parts of the valley, I caught the very last connecting flight departing from Philadelphia during one of the worst snowstorms in recent New England history. All the worrying and uncertainty was worth it, though, because I got to eat a bar burger, play pool, and drink multiple cocktails with brand name booze, all on my first night.
I also should have known that my return would be marked by a timely scandal of sorts w/r/t our esteemed regime. What I probably shouldn't have guessed was that it would be even more ridiculous and entertaining than scandals past. With all respect to the octogenarian victim, it would have been even more funny had our VP been the second high-ranking US official in history to ice a fellow American and keep his job. Perhaps the funniest thing, however, is that Dick thought he could cover up his little mishap. Too bad he chose such a fragile person to "spray". Damn lawyer couldn't keep his mild heart attack to himself.
That said, it's always amazing to me how quickly one reverts back to old routines, even after months away. Minus the warm weather and peddling of chinese food, I pretty much feel like I never left. I'm happy to be able to be a proud American routing against my surrigate country in alpine skiing, though, and I'm looking forward to doing a little of the ol' face to face with many of you Stusiers that have only existed in blogger-space for me in the last four Monaten. Cheers.

Worst Joke Ever...

2006-02-13T13:48:00.000-06:00

We've all been totally bombarded with non-stop coverage of the now-infamous Danish Muhammad cartoons. I've given it a solid ten days now, and the story just won't go away, so I'm going to throw in my two cents. In fairness, I haven't personally seen these cartoons, but by all accounts they are in bad taste. Anyone in their right mind understands that tension is high between the Muslim world and the West. This should not be news, it has been that way for at least half a decade. Publishing these cartoons was a bad idea. But that was last September. Republishing them since then in six or more newspapers around the world was a monfuckingstrosity of a bad idea. The latest republishing occurring, of course, in France, a country with a sizeable Muslim population, and as recently as February 1. It boggles the mind to imagine what the editors of these publications were thinking.

Having said all that, THEY'RE CARTOONS. Scandinavians everywhere have managed to avoid shitting themselves with anger and indignation through 20 years of Haggar the Horrible (and he is horrible, in fact most of the cartoons in your average amerikanische Zeitung are pretty damn insulting - I'm looking in your direction Family Circus). For crying out loud, talk about not being able to take a joke, this is off the charts. Demonstrations, protests, rallies, riots, flag burning, embassy burning, trampling, police-clashes, tear gas, death. I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of the people involved in these cultural uprisings all over the Muslim world have never seen these cartoons either. A relatively small group has seized this opportunity to incite hatred among populations that are ripe for rebellion. The scale of what has ensued bears no relation to the supposedly triggering event.

Timeline of Events in this Ridiculous Saga

Eine Woche als Englischassistent: Teil 1; Das Wochenende

2006-02-06T04:07:00.000-06:00

In response to a request from a fellow blogger who has only appeared to us very occasionally in the comment section of the blog (I won't name names, Colby) I've decided to document my activities (or non-activities) for the week, not to annoy or make jealous those who have 9 to 5 jobs or those who leaf through the legislative Kram of the US justice system, but simply to give all y'all a glimpse into life in Irdning, life in Austria, life in a particularly sparesly populated valley in the middle of Europe. Ich hoffe, dass es wenigstens halbwegs interessant ist...also, fang' ma' an...

Das Wochenende

Freitag, 3. Februar:

Before I begin with the events of Friday, a note about my weekly schedule. I am contracted to work 12 hours per week at two different schools, one in Stainach (a gymnasium) and one in Liezen (a school for future kindergarten teachers...about 350 girls and a guy). Friday is a wild card day. If I have nothing going on, I offer to come in for an hour, but if I request a day off, I can count on it being granted. So this Friday was one of those free Fridays, because I was going to krieg Besuch. Dirk von Schneidemesser was en route from Freiburg, where he is suffering through his own hectic schedule.

06.15 -- A typical time for me to wake up. It's dark, it's cold, and there's no bus to the train station (a total of about 4 buses run from Irdning to Stainach train station during the course of the whole day). I lace up the boots and trudge out into fog you can taste. It's like walking through really cold jello. It's about a 45 minute walk, and by the time I reach the station, my beard, coat, face, headphones, u.s.w. are covered in ice from the moisture in the air. Dirk arrives, and we eat an unhealthy breakfast. One of the four buses takes us home to Irdning.

11.45 -- We sleep, eat lunch, then board the Gratis Bus to the Planneralm. Strahlende Sonnenschein greet us, but new powder fehlt. I'm skiing injured, and apparently am incapable of taking it easy and proceed to take a wicked digger, re-wrenching my back as Dirk laughs.

17.00 -- The plan is eisstockschießen (curling without the broom) and rodeln (basically sledding on EPO or Andro or whatever). You take the skilift up the hill and scream down a 7 km long trail on an old fashioned sled with metal runners. 8B, the matura class from Stainach, would be the company. I drive the A3 with authority to Schladming with Ms. Stocker, Dirk, and Jen (Kajenje Ubija), where we sup and consume a bottle of wine.

19.30 -- Eisstockschießen. Glühwein.

22.00 -- Arrival at Hochwurzen, the ski hill. We proceed to get raped at the Liftkasse. One trip up costs € 12. Fucking profiteers I tell you. Kajenje U. shows signs of brain decay on the way up by rythmically rocking her head (or maybe she's just scared out of her wits, but I'm banking on the former). We proceed to skull about a half dozen Halben and a round or two of Schnapps, play some Austrian card games on cards where there's seasons instead of suits, and the barkeep begins to look pissed. It's almost twelve, and their hours state that they're open till 23.00. Eins geht sich noch aus, gel'?

24.10 -- Abfahrt. Floodlights guide the way down. 7 km to go. Drunken highjinks ensue. Kanjenje and Dirk have some beginner's luck on the Rodel.

00.17 -- Lights out. Midway down the Strecke the flood lights fail, and we drunk drive the sleds 3.5 km to the valley and only lose two members of the group, who ended up going down the wrong run and ended up at a different Talstation.

00.45 -- The party rolls on. Teachers and students drunk alike. Drunken kegeln. 'We will Rock You' is the highlight of the evening. Austrian's love Queen.

03.30 -- Lights out at Vera's apartment.

Saturday, 4. Februar:

09.00 -- I, the early riser, walk into town to retrieve the car that was grudgingly left at the bar for obvious safety reasons.

11.15 -- Departure in the A3 for Graz

14.30 -- Treffpunkt with Morsch in the Hauptplatz in Graz after a debacle of aimless wandering looking for Vera's apartment and Dirk dropping a nasty one on the shelf and making the already pungeant apartment smell even worse, which has been put at our disposal for the weekend. Morsch looks comically European in his green trench and ear-flapped cap waiting outside the Rathaus.

14.35 -- Döner and pizza

15.30 -- Billiard spielen. Sloppy as all hell. 3 games take an hour and a half.

21.00 -- More boozin' with other assistants

03.00 -- Lights out in the smelly apartment near the Graz prison.

Sunday, 5. Februar:

11.00 -- We wake and stuff ourselves silly with Chinese food and debate a Döner after that, but Morsch needs to catch the train.

15.30 -- Arrival back in the Ennstal after another great cruise in the A3. S, S, and S for me, then a nap. Dirk leaves at 20.30, after yet another Döner and Pizza. I need to nehm ab solely because of this weekend.

Monday, 6. Februar:

07.30 -- Lion Cereal and die Presse greets me at the kitchen table, then I drive (still in the A3) to school.

08.50 - 12.00 -- Work (?!). Three hours of Unterricht, one about past tense, one where I did absolutely nothing, and another where I watched the kids do a role play.

13.30 -- Back home. Lunch. Book. Sleep. Jog.

20.15 -- Die Millionenshow with Armin Assinger, followed by CSI Miami (seriously, what am I doing with my life?).

21.30 -- Sweet Schlaf

A waste of time?...

2006-02-02T04:40:00.000-06:00

Before I delve back into more relevant subject matter, I wanted to make a confession and say that Sudoku is not only the best, but also the most dangerous waste of time ever. I, the crossword fanatic, have also been wrapped in the tantalizing web of numbers that is a sudoku board, and I'm not proud of it. I condemn you, Herr Vacuum Cleaner, for putting that little link on the right side of the screen. It beckoned, and I clicked; my fricken eyes are crossed from staring at the screen, I'm not all that convinced they're back to normal yet, and I'm still fucking below average. Either I'm stupid or there's people out there with even more time to waste than me...depressing in more ways than one. At least I can say I've gained something from those 16 minutes of sudokuing...Number one, I learned that there are other ways to damage the retina other than staring at the sun, and two, I now have an increasing sense of Minderwertigkeit. Shit. I'm sticking with minesweeper and my crosswords.
Now, you may say after a senseless outburst like that and a clumsy segue like this: 'Mistfink, I'm done taking you seriously because I think those two years 'working' in Austria has had an unmistakeable and negative effect on your cognitive functions.' Well, while I may still be on the wrong thin end of the bell curve, at least I don't eat people, so that's something, right? So, read on, brother (or sister). You might learn something...

The master planners at the European Union seem to not only be masters of über-complicated bureaucracies, but also masters of conjuring up the turning point. The much-anticipated Austrian presidency of the EU has arrived, and after the recent turning point regarding Poland, Romania and co. and the even more recent crossroads w/r/t Turkey and Croatia, ÖVP member Wolfgang Schüssel (Österreichischer Kanzler) and friends must now determine the fate of the Union. Will the EU continue to grow? Will there be a constitution? The problems of such a multi-faceted conglomeration are gathering like moss on a non-rolling stone, and growing impatience among the population has put the future of the EU into pretty serious question. As always, I'm also a pessimist...
Before we get into problems, though, let's talk about reasons why the EU should fight hard for survival. Whether they admit it or not, from the beginning the EU has looked to the United States as an example of a tightly united federation of states who maintain some level of autonomy while cooperating and sharing resources to the advantage of everyone. Now, its obvious that the US is not compareable with the EU in terms of diversity, but that is exactly why the EU is such an extraordinary and important venture: it is, with the exception of the UN (which is fading into redundancy anyway), the first example of a genuinely wide variety of peoples agreeing to come together, share resources, and collectively embrace a peaceful and neutral political philosophy. If we look at things like social and environmental policy, the EU is decades ahead of the US, which is still too full of itself and too old fashioned to recognize how backward some of its policies are. In short, the EU - at least in its ideal form - is the result of centuries of development. Europe has been in the grips of conflict, war, political blackmail, and destruction for scores of centuries (see 'Dark Ages'), and though more than one of these things remain today, one cannot disagree with the fact that the current peaceful situation (and the fact that a big brother EU is probably the only thing holding the Balkans together) is an extraordinary thing. We can only hope that it will continue...
But...
As I said before, the ideal of the EU is all well and good, but as we all know, ideals are ideals, and reality is something completely different (see 'Marx and Communism'). As the EU has grown and evolved, it has become more and more clear what the EU is really about, and it isn't all that different from what the US is about...neo-capitalism and money. The best example of this is the Eastward expansion. The optimist would say, well, Bulgaria and Romania are part of the continent; however, in reality the overwhelming motivation for including such undeveloped and instable countries and economies into the club is that the only way sagging economies in Western Europe can become 'erect' again is by taking their business elsewhere, so to speak. In the US, outsourcing took production and jobs to Asia. The EU has found this opportunity right in its backyard. By the dozen, Polish, Slovakian, even Russian banks are being swallowed by German, Austrian, and French juggernauts. This sort of international expansion has a perfect counterpart in the American multinationals that have essentially driven the world into a clusterfuck of an unequal global market. Europe is looking to follow the trend lest they become a collection of aging, obsolete crackers bragging about their windmills and biofuel.
Which brings me to my next point. The forward-thinking environmental policies that defined the EU at its outset are beginning to fall victim to the forces of capitalism and necessity. England (in many ways the black sheep of the EU) is constructing dozens of new nuclear power plants, genetic farming is making inroads all over Europe, and tight transportation controls are being loosened under the banner of 'the free movement of goods' (ex: Austria is no longer allowed to limit the number of LKWs on their freeways because Italian and German trucks have the right to travel freely through the centrally located Austria). All of this adds up to a phrase that defines the US economy and global capitalism in general: more is better, and to hell with the consequences. This is not the European Union I was hoping for.
Needless to say there are many more problems with regards to bureaucracy and agreement between EU and National legislation, but we only have to look to the masses to see that there are more problems than benefits. If I walked across Europe asking people if they approved of the EU as it is now being run, I can guarentee clear negative results. Herr Schüssel has promised to bring the EU 'closer to the people', but this just sounds like another dose of out-of-the-cornhole rhetoric than realpolitik. The EU and the Austrian presidency under Schüssel need to decide whether its purpose is simply to compete with the US and China in the current system, or whether there really are some novel and nobel ideals behind Europe that will maybe even provide a model for humanity in the future. There's no question in my mind that the current direction of the EU is not a very good waste of time.

To Schi or not to Schi

2006-01-30T02:59:00.000-06:00

Well the time has come for me to finally answer this very important question. Being questioned by der Mistfink and der Pfarrad many times if I would want to go skiing during the wonderful, bitter cold, minus 20 degree weather schi season here in Austria, I was a little hesitant. I don't know if I was scared, because I had only been skiing once and that was in the vast mountain ranges of the wide landscape of the my home in the Midwest, called Wisconsin. Some of you might know the steep slope that I am talking about. It is called Alpine Valley, a place you could take your family to on the weekend for a peaceful walk or a place to check out your favorite band after spending a good two or three hours in the parking lot shotgunning biers, sniffing glue and\or doing wippits. Don't get me wrong it was a wonderful place to learn how to ski when I was fourteen, but in comparison to the Alps, I have no clue what I am getting myself into.

Now these two blogger pals were not the only two that confronted me with this question. My students and teachers all asked me many time if I would like to attend the Schi-Kurse with them, but it wasn't until all the students started making fun of me for being to scared that I knew then and there that I had to step up to the plate. I discovered I have to take advantage of this opportunity while it is here and I really think I am going to love it. Plus, it gets me out of teaching for two weeks. Not that I don't like teaching but if I have a choice to go skiing or teach, I think anyone in their right mind would pick skiing. It also works out very well because I have one week of skiing, then we have Semesterferien and then the week after that I have another week of skiing. Hopefully, by the second week I will be past the beginner stage of development.

The biggest advantage of going with the schools is the price, it is only about 200 euros for the entire week and that includes everything, but seeing that I have no schi attire or equipment I will be borrowing and\or renting most of the equipment, but that doesn't bother me. The other thing is where I live there aren't any mountains or piste unless you drive about an hour with the car or two hours with the train, so this will give me the opportunity to check out the better ski regions of Austria. This is an experience that I have been looking forward to and dreading at the same time, but those often turn out to be the best kinds of trips. Wish me luck and who knows after these next three weeks, I will probably be calling you all to see if you want to go schiing again. Wish me luck!

Quick Post

2006-01-26T00:46:00.000-06:00

Be sure to check out the "50 most loathesome people in America" article on this blog. It's riotous.

Time to Google a Better Place to Live

2006-01-20T11:42:00.000-06:00

Batten down the hatches and lock up your daughters folks, because Uncle Sam is on the prowl. Not content with illegal wiretaps on unsuspecting citizens, now the good ol' U.S. government wants a look at what you're doing online. The Department of Justice has asked Google to hand over a weeks worth of records on what people are searching for, as well as a random sample of a million websites from their databases. Admittedly this would be a ton of information and a nightmare to sort through, but creating a shitstorm and then having to sit it out is sort of our specialty (Iraq anybody?).

Google, thankfully, appears to be resisting the DOJ's efforts acquire this data, but it's going to end up in court. Roberto Gonzales has already filed for a motion to compel to force Google to comply, but Google has said it will fight it out.

The official reason the government says it wants this information is because it's Child Online Protection Act has been blocked by the Supreme Court and to defend it they want info that says tons of people are being bombarded by porn online. They haven't been able to prove it so far, so they're just going to keep on trying and they think Google is the key. The problem with this is that it's a very slippery slope: today it's a random sample they want and tomorrow it's specific information. If this is allowed to happen unchallenged, there's no telling where it will lead. Combined with the aforemetioned wiretapping, I don't know what's more terrifying, the fact that the Bush administration has quietly begun to spy on its own citizens as part of a McCarthyesque "terrorist" witch-hunt, or the fact that nobody seems to care. Make no mistake - Big Brother is watching. I'm anti-bumper-sticker as a rule, but the one that springs to mind right now is:

"If you're not outraged you're not paying attention."

The ACLU has stepped up and filed suit against the National Security Agency, which will presumably take a break from pretending not to exist to defend against the allegations of unconstitutional activity. The fact that the president himself authorized eavesdropping on Americans means that this problem goes right to the top. Not that any of us were under the impression that Bush wouldn't do such a thing, but I'm skeptical that he knew about this program at all. I find it very hard to believe that Cheney would risk telling G.W. about something so illegal and I'm guessing it was as much of a surprise to him as it was to everyone else. Let's hope the ACLU comes out on top in this one though, because I certainly don't want to find out the hard way at an airport that I'm not allowed to go abroad because I googled communism during class.

Google Refuses To Turn Over Records To Government

Internet search-engine giant Google is refusing to turn over their records to the Justice Department, raising major privacy concerns for Web users. What do you think?

Jerry Ashworth, Motion Capture Animation

"The government has no business knowing that I keep forgetting my utility company's Web address."

Jeanette Coen, Counter Person

"Those are some ballsy multi-billionaires."

Kevin Gander, Barber
"Man, the government is gonna feel dumb when they see my search for 'the+government+sucks+dick'"

Mahlzeit: Der Menschenfresser kommt wieder

2006-01-17T14:33:00.000-06:00

Armin Meiwes is back in the news again. You may remember him as the guy-who-ate-a-guy in Rotenburg. Herr Meiwes did what any sensible dude who's Jonesing a tasty mansnack would do, he put an add on the internet using his imaginary brother's name instead of his own. Surprisingly, he got a lot of responses and four guys actually came to visit him in Rotenburg. One of them actually got as far as being tied down on a bed and having himself divided up into butcher's cuts with a sharpie before he thought "hang on, maybe being an entree for this total psychopath was an imprudent thing to volunteer for." That guy just asked Armin to let him go, and sure enough, Armin obliged. Weird.
Eventually Herr Meiwes found his man however, when in March, 2001 Bernd-Juergen Brandes showed up on his doorstep. Brandes was all about being eaten (or so Charmin' Armin insists) and, being the accommodating fine young cannibal we all know him to be, Meiwes helped the guy out. Apparently they cut off Brandes' dong and gave that a taste between the two of them, but then Brandes got a little woosy from blood loss. That's when things got difficult though, because although Meiwes was all about a tasty severed penis lunch, he gets all squeemish when it comes to murder.

"I wanted to eat him, but I didn't want to kill him," Meiwes told the court.

He waited until he thought Brandes was dead from blood loss and then stabbed him in the neck to start cutting him up and bagging him carefully for future consumption. (You have to wrap people-chunks extra carefully because freezer-burned he-meat is gross.) Although originally only convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to eight and a half years, prosecutors now want to nail him for murder, but his attorneys are saying it was simply an assisted suicide. Oh yeah, it also seems that the whole thing is on video and that Brandes was not actually completely dead when he was cut up. Videotaping this crime spree was the best idea we ever had...

Sport Diplomacy

2006-01-12T13:06:00.000-06:00

Diplomatic backchannels have long included unlikely ambassadors such as musicians, celebrities and sports stars. These figures have the international recognition necessary to attract attention to a cause, movement or plight, but their most attractive quality (from a diplomatic perspective) is that their actions carry no official weight. It's all of the bacon with none of the fat - they're free to improve things as much as they'd like, and the moment they do something politically unfortunate they're instantly transformed from ambassador back into the wacky star that nobody can control.
Or at least that's how it used to be done. Now however, these "ambassadors," are being taken to task in a way that I think is highly inappropriate. Last week as you may have read, Bayern Munich played an international friendly match against Iran's Persepolis Tehran, and now they're being dragged over the coals for supposedly showing support for Iran's hardline president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We can all agree that Ahmadinejad is world-class pillock and no more deserves to be running a country than everyone's favourite Texan reject. The issue as I see it however, is that although soccer or any other sport can certainly be used to build informal ties between countries with even the most politically distant regimes, it is also vitally important that such events be treated as actual political acts. Not only would this rob them of their positive behind-the-scenes bridge-building ability, but it would turn them into highly politically contentious events. Again, I think we can agree that one thing soccer in particular doesn't need is additional contention.
There's also talk of excluding Iran from the World Cup because of Ahmadinejad's holocaust denying comments. This would also be a mistake. I only know one Iranian, but he's good shit and I don't see the point of punishing a populace because of their administration. I know, I know, "but that works so well" is what you're thinking, "I mean just look at Iraq, we disliked the regime, pounded the shit out of the population, and voila - one piping-hot cup of petroleum-fueled shitstorm." Despite that very compelling argument, maybe we should try a different route with this one, you know, just for shits and giggles. See what happens.

It ain't Spiderman, but he's jumping buildings in a single bound...

2006-01-09T04:02:00.001-06:00

I always thought that freestyle walking was a funny thing one did after a night of copius drinking. A heel grab here, a 360 there, and so forth...but during my latest travails in England at the Rodriguez-Casado household, I was informed by Marco (Cristo's brother) that there exists a much less humorous (if not more impressive) form of freestyle Bewegung. Apparently, it has gained in popularity following a handful of television spots in Britain and beyond by various sports companies such as Nike. As the founders were most likely not drunk at the time like we freestyle walkers, they came up with the much more creative moniker Parkour.
The French founders of Parkour, or 'free running', Sebastien Foucan and David Belle, are actually phenomenal athletes, and their sport consists less of heel grabs and spins, and more of jumping massive gaps between tall buildings, climbing seemingly unclimbable walls, and generally making like Captain Picard and going places in the city and in the country where no man has gone before. When I watched the first video I pretty much thought it was fake, because its no longer necessary for people to take these kinds of risks when we have computer animation and all that other new-fangled technology stuff to wow unsuspecting audiences. But, in fact, Parkour is about fitness and a philosophy of fluid movement, and the kind of mastery of the body that these guys achieve allows them to do things that seem completely impossible. What makes Parkour even more interesting is its philosophical connection with eastern thought and fluidity. On his website, Foucan has yin yang symbols and various quotes relating to harmony and other for-me-incomprehensible metaphysical whatnot. When looking at the videos it looks like, as with the monks of Tibet, the pro-Parkour fellas have managed to become superhuman in some respects. Now, I'm sure that they injure themselves like any athlete, but it's clear that the level of flexibility and strength they have limits these injuries in comparison to, say, a 400 pound NFL lineman who has a heart attack when he has to run a few laps.
Parkour is based upon a rather limited number of 'moves', which when mastered allow the runner to pretty much go anywhere. The 'cat leap', for example, is used for gaps where the goal cannot be reached with the feet. The runner jumps, catches and holds his body weight by the edge of the wall, then pulls himself up onto the other side. If anyone has ever played Prince of Persia or Tomb Raider on the computer, you already know this one. When jumping gaps with drops in height (sometimes exceeding 15m horizontally and 3 to 5m vertically!) the runner transfers any downward momentum into forward momentum by dropping into a roll. In general, all of these moves demand a combination of gymnastic ability and raw athleticism and strength (not to mention some diamond-hard cajones).
In a way these free runners sound like a sort of transcendental, overachieving and more ambitious form of skateboarding street punks. You can be sure that they're not slipping off into the alley after a hard day of cat-leaps for a doobie, and they've exchanged the loose-crotched trousers of their cousin street punks for sweat-wicking, high-freedom-of-movement sport pants. There is no question that these guys do some pretty amazing stuff, and I'm interested to see if, and how rapidly, this movement finds a larger audience. The best Parkour videos can be found at the following website. Check 'em out: Parkour Videos.

a little of this and a little of that, simmer and voila!! you have a terrorist.

2006-01-06T13:04:00.000-06:00

Hello, Tag! and Gruess Euch or something...my German is at this point, vestigial...this is Todd's state-side school-pal and fellow quasi-antipatriot. Here goes my attempt to prove that A is A. Also, that a terrorist is whoever "they" are. And that we, are "counter-terrorist"...which is to me the same damn thing but with bigger guns.

U.S. says bomb hit wrong house in Iraq

Dependability of verity in matters other than carnage and melodrama aside (re: above cited link's origin) and despite the irony of the header "Transition of Power" (as though it were ever anywhere but out of the hands of the civilian population and [to me, axiomatically, as it is in any center of resources but not riches] dictatorial 'regime' or its not-just-symbolically-rear-entry-variety puppeteer being a totally moot, titular veneer and the work of assholes no matter the offered-up flavor and then without delay arises the parallel of the non-gamble in a forecast for an incessant putrid slush from any so-named party onto those below - so again, flavor) but so in sum I just mean in such sordid matters you can not only rely on the comedy surely but also in some aspects the verity of the reporting and also on the vile specificity of it. Opportunists (the media in this case) have no scruples, only an acumen of what could be made into capital or a funnel to it, through the assumption of public focus, or just the pulpy desire of Americans to see horrors, react to them, but only through a sort of tabloid mentality...it's almost like a caricature (the impression taken by viewer, I don't mean the salience of the issue...well except under supposedly globally educated and democratic duress or "scrutiny").

I hope this introduction doesn't baffle or call out too detrimentally any scattered process I dub reason, or logic and well either way I welcome expository rebuttal or dissection or requests for further perspicacity or elaborated boobery. So now, to the bat-cave or the core of the political Döner-Kebab...usw.

After several weeks of grasping for a solid topic for a first deluge, I have taken instead the collage of a probably too-raw but nonetheless just thought-feeding opinion on a cycle; one describing our (as in American) participation in the for-this-week mission of whatever falsely evolved just-the-same-as-before-variety of imperial terror we're calling pro-democractic. This article, above - though brief - sort of clinched my atomized feelings about an obvious but unspoken issue, at least in my neighborhood, and for-the-love-of-Cod did it need a crotch to at once assemble this all-wood but trunkless fray of branches and tendrils.

Ahem, future reference I guess would allow an asterisk skirting all flowery bellestristic window drapery upon the aforesaid.

*
The important practical, current, and by focus nuclear (pardon the pun) concern is illustrated exactly in this most recent happenstance. It's almost without reproach that "58 strikes on Monday" is mentioned. We can just assume without even discussing quantity and just say that we're doing a lot of damage and prejudice is a loose and barely applicable term - to the tune of 30K-100K innocents killed. I guess that's progress; if they're dead they don't need security or well....anything. But so, in this episode of the "white death" we just OOPS! vaporized 66 percent of someone's family. I don't think they are calmly pondering the universal implications of this event and whether on the whole we didn't mean it because we're really trying to blow up the "terrorists" the "enemy" and other "Saddam loyalists" (so, likely, the neighbor who was so motivated by the eradication of his entire life the previous week or day or hour) and ensure the "transition to democracy" (which would be easily accomplished by withdrawal, removing the cannon we've installed that is perpetuating the entire fiasco and is just totally prima facie bullshit in its civic validity). Being bereaved absolutely, indentured even more firmly in their already years long plight, you have to wonder - judging by the pandora's box's worth of "insurgents" that just fly out of the woodwork mostly in the areas where we're fighting "them" - why there is any sensible differentiation between "the enemy" and "the Iraqi people" to anyone with any information.

I find the notion beyond gut-wrenching that no one in the "liberal media" questions the actual causality of our role in the (if memory serves) escalating cycle of death and doom in a(nother) country that in essence doesn't even know what the hell "Iraq" is...it's not like the national boundaries mean anything...the only coagulation even noteworthy is sectarian and fundamentalist and in no way are they feelin' skippy about our continued game of blindfold-on anti-darky laser-tag. I'd say the commonplace belief that America should be 86'd and a rudimentary and poorly aimed but nonetheless unilateral process in a grassroots fashion of the civilan population rising up to oust us despite the rhetoric spouted off to disguise the actual reality of our tyranny is a sign that the people that live there want things arranged and decided on their terms. The people should rule...as they choose, not as we do. Democracy isn't even present in our own country. The people are totally removed...and they have to be, or the anti-socialist gang bang wouldn't go on. In such places it is present (and it follows that these are the rare examples of nations that have extricated themselves from our hegemony, and hence, are in mainstream circles damned) it's subverted as some sort of "radical" government. Venezuela being a solid example of a nation with a popular movement that actually rose up and worked, in the case of the election then coup then re-election of Chavez.

I had this conversation (concerning the Iraqi civilian/after-atrocity-now-a-terrorist insurgent dichotomy) the other weekend with someone I consider fairly well-read and open to radical or orthagonal points of view. He just couldn't understand my equation of "the terrorists" with "plain old Iraqis"...one into the other with a brief dusting of white phosphorous...he kept returning to the "well, we're there now so, why should we just leave, what if another 'dictator' takes over"...you give people social security, keep greedy hands off their nation, and things will sort themselves out on their terms...it's their country and they can do what they choose with it. They are NOT a threat to anyone...it's the weakest country militarily in the region and you've got Big Brother the Unites States of Israel next door and they totally dominate anything.

Here's Noam Chomsky with his usual wit and plain-speak :

"The doctrine, to oversimplify, is that we have to believe the United States would have so-called liberated Iraq even if its main products were lettuce and pickles and [the] main energy resource of the world were in central Africa. Anyone who doesn't accept that is dismissed as a conspiracy theorist or a lunatic or something. But anyone with a functioning brain knows that that's not true—as all Iraqis do, for example. The United States invaded Iraq because its major resource is oil. And it gives the United States, to quote [Zbigniew] Brzezinski, "critical leverage" over its competitors, Europe and Japan. That's a policy that goes way back to the second world war. That's the fundamental reason for invading Iraq, not anything else."

And if cars ran on pickles and lettuce it would be so. The people mean nothing to Bush & Co.

We have simply begun a "pre-emptive" takeover of a weak defenseless peasantry sitting on the greatest patch of petroleum on the planet. Had we not done a thing, and restored humanitarian support to the region, Saddam would likely have been ousted on their terms (as he would have been prior to the 1st Gulf Conflict). Granted this may have also lead to a Shi'a majority annexing the oil fields in Saudi Arabia and then making a reticent, but better-than-nothing defensive alliance with Iran. With China basically unstoppable on the terms we prefer to operate (militarily) and the area already threatening to change its currency of trade from the dollar to the Euro, we had to make a schism in the form of a puppet regime operating and divesting its riches to us on our terms. It also serves as a trial run should/for when military motion against Iran become/s compulsory...at least to the masters of the globo-chemical economy. This administration has legitimized the "supreme crime" as it was classified at Nuremberg: aggression against a sovereign nation outside the specific instance of immediate and imminent threat or attack. That doesn't entail "perceived" imminence...it means, bombs are raining down just next door and we're next. Not, "well, you need to prove to us that the things we can't prove don't warrant a strike". That's just elementary morality. You don't say, we're going to fuck you up unless you give a reason otherwise. Innocent, until guilt is ascertained without doubt. That's democratic and moral. Morality isn't "what the Bible might mean"...it's what you choose to do to those beneath when you've reached the top rung and snatched hold of the smoldering fire-poker.

One can only shudder or feel the rising vexation at being without any representative co-efficient at the level of (and faced with the dormancy of) the impotent UN in other far greater and possibly globally dire military lethality.

It doubly-so sends a message to the remaining powers on the planet, as was the case with N. Korea: that you must arm yourselves, or be steamrolled, castr(o)ated and gentrified.

The cycle continues...and the mark of Ouroboros has a sort of omnious crescendo to it, as time elapses; it remains annular, succinct and not an indecorous (in its eternal cannibalism) nor inappropriate summation of the geopolitical kingpins' inevitable (or perpetual) likely ends.

Point Counterpoint: Der Bush vs. der Mistfink

2005-12-19T07:16:00.000-06:00

I realize that this may seem to you to be a battle of David and Goliath - an elementary-school aged kid with bad hygiene in a battle of wits with the most important figure in the modern world - but I promise you: der Mistfink has some pretty darn convincing idears too, and he's gonna stay the course, explaining them in the plainest English possible so all you folks out there can understand them too. Can the lowly sling defeat the might of neo-conservative reason, or has Bush finally learned that he has to hit the nail on the head, finally giving his melon a much-needed rest? You, my dear reader, be the judge.

Herr Moderator: Today's battle royale will be on the much-talked-about topic of Iraq. We all know that Iraq is less than safe to be wandering the streets, but the burning question is, can and is the United States armed forces winning the battle against Isla--....evil? We will begin the discussion by talking about the recent elections, hailed as a great success by almost every single Republican. Mr. Bush, you have the floor...

Mr. Bush: "This election will not mean the end of violence. But it is the beginning of something new: constitutional democracy at the heart of the Middle East. And this vote -- 6,000 miles away, in a vital region of the world -- means that America has an ally of growing strength in the fight against terror."

Der Mistfink: "Well, Mr. Bush, it's comforting that the Iraqis are going to be blessed with something new. It's just a damn shame its not even close to what they wanted. And all of this right before Christmas. They were probably sitting there getting their hopes up, thinking that the Christians would have some charity and give them the sweet gift of getting the hell out of their country (some 74% of Iraqis think the American troops should leave immediately). Instead we bring a form of government that 1. is completely incompatible with cultural norms in Iraq, 2. is probably the most inefficient form of organization for a country with little or no infrastructure, and 3. was brought to them by a regime that, shall we say, can't seem to figure out for itself what democracy is. Surely 'jubilation' about these elections will have broken out in the streets already. You just better wear your hard hat and a flak jacket. And Mr. Bush, until you can walk the streets of Bagdhad without being 'rendered' by Iraqis in a New York minute, you're officially banned from calling Iraq an ally."

Mr. Bush: "All who had a part in this achievement -- Iraqis, Americans, and coalition partners -- can be proud. Yet our work is not done. There is more testing and sacrifice before us. I know many Americans have questions about the cost and direction of this war. So tonight I want to talk to you about how far we have come in Iraq, and the path that lies ahead."

Der Mistfink: "Coalition partners? Are we still playing this 'we-didn't-go-it-alone' card? Honestly, Goliath, I thought you had some brains under that huge brush-topped helmet of yours. But at least you've made clear that you will be asking for another 200 billion clams and a couple thousand American lives in the near future. It would be a shame to receive that news on short notice. But I'm all ears on the direction thing. This oughta be good..."

Mr. Bush: "Since the removal of Saddam, this war -- like other wars in our history -- has been difficult. The mission of American troops in urban raids and desert patrols -- fighting Saddam loyalists and foreign terrorists -- has brought danger and suffering and loss. This loss has caused sorrow for our whole nation -- and it has led some to ask if we are creating more problems than we are solving.
That is an important question, and the answer depends on your view of the war on terror. If you think the terrorists would become peaceful if only America would stop provoking them, then it might make sense to leave them alone."

Der Mistfink: "Ahh...now you're speaking my language..."

Mr. Bush: "This is not the threat I see. I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Islam in the service of radical political aims -- a vision in which books are burned, and women are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed. Terrorist operatives conduct their campaign of murder with a set of declared and specific goals -- to demoralize free nations, to drive us out of the Middle East, to spread an empire of fear across that region and to wage a perpetual war against America and our friends."

Der Mistfink: "...shit, somehow I knew that was coming...let's perform a little experiment: a new word here, an adjustment there, and, Presto! : "I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Christianity in the service of radical political aims -- a vision in which the constitution is shat upon, and minorities are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed (I didn't have to change that part). Terrorist governments conduct their campaign of murder with a set of declared and specific goals -- to demoralize nations of strategic importance, to drive any alternative form of government out of the Middle East, to spread an empire of fear across that region and to wage a perpetual war against Islam and their friends (I barely had to change that one either).""

Mr. Bush: "These terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield -- and they seek to attack us wherever they can. This has attracted al Qaeda to Iraq, where they are attempting to frighten and intimidate America into a policy of retreat."

Der Mistfink: "I'm not even going to justify that with a response. I'll let you plug in the words."

Mr. Bush: "September 11th, 2001 required us to take every emerging threat to our country seriously, and it shattered the illusion that terrorists attack us only after we provoke them. On that day, we were not in Iraq, we were not in Afghanistan, but the terrorists attacked us anyway -- and killed nearly 3,000 men, women, and children in our own country."

Der Mistfink: "So obviously, the logical response is to go there, rape, pillage and burn, and then say they started it. And shame on them for bringing the war to someone else's country. It's much more polite to invite them to your country first, then kill them."

Herr Moderator: "Well, Herr Mistfink, I see that you have a sharp tongue in addition to that abhorrent stench eminating from your person. But now I would like to hear some closing statements. What do we do with the clusterfuck that is Iraq?"

Mr. Bush: "...now there are only two options before our country -- victory or defeat. And the need for victory is larger than any president or political party, because the security of our people is in the balance. I do not expect you to support everything I do, but tonight I have a request: do not give in to despair, and do not give up on this fight for freedom.
Next week, Americans will gather to celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. Many families will be praying for loved ones spending this season far from home -- in Iraq, Afghanistan, or other dangerous places. Our nation joins in those prayers. We pray for the safety and strength of our troops. We trust, with them, in a love that conquers all fear, and a light that reaches the darkest corners of the Earth.
And we remember the words of the Christmas carol, written during the Civil War: "God is not dead, nor [does] He sleep; the Wrong shall fail, the Right prevail, with peace on Earth, good-will to men."
Thank you, and good night."

Der Mistfink: "Iraq has been in some form of antogonism to the western world for decades, but this is a conflict that never should have ballooned into a war of this magnitude, and the current and persistent unrest in the entire country (and the parallel disgust that is present in surrounding countries) is proof that this 'clash of cultures' runs perhaps deeper than most expected. I think we need to stop looking at things in black and white, right and wrong, and think about why the 'terrorists' are fighting us, why many Muslims are breaking off into anti-American, anti-Western sects. You can use loaded words all day long and incite people to be perversely patriotic for your side all day long, but is this really all that different from those 'cowards'? With such a philosophy, the conflict remains, and the war will remain. The 'war' in Iraq will not be won until we begin to address these questions.
Wisdom is not projecting your thoughts, stereotypes, and biases onto others, but being able to observe your own actions in relation to those going on around you. Until the dichotomy of 'us and them' can be overcome by politicians like you, Mr. Bush, we will continue to fear those on the other side, and we will continue to have to sacrifice innocent people in the name of ignorance. And by the way, Christmas? Hannukah? What about Kwanzaa?!"

A Battle of Wits with the Unarmed

2005-12-16T19:25:00.000-06:00

It is a curious feature of modern American culture that one no longer needs any semblance of rationality to put forth an argument that will enjoy widespread support. There are many examples of this and we have touched on a few in the annals of this blog. Intelligent Design is one, but the death penalty is a better one. This is a piece of policy so devoid of reason that it makes the missile defense shield look like universal healthcare, and yet it is supported by a majority of Americans. 65% to be exact. Guess what? I'm not making this up either, 75% of Americans think that "God helps those who help themselves" is from the bible. Worse yet, 12% of americans think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Funny at first, sad when you let it sink in. I have a feeling it's the same people answering both surveys.

As Pfarrad has noted, the U.S. performed it's 1000th execution on December 3rd of this year when North Carolina shoved Kenneth Boyd off the mortal coil. In a press release on that day, Bush reaffirmed his support for the death penalty, reasoning that it "ultimately it helps save innocent lives." I am now officially in the business of making arguments, and as arguments go, this one is phenomenally, monumentally, catastrophically, galactically flawed. Here's some news for you, when inmates are paroled, they're given a score based on their likelihood to reoffend. Your average rapist gets a high score if they're still in the "active age group" (between 25-45) because statistically speaking, they're probably going to do it again if they get the chance. (Incidentally, after 45 your standard rapist tends to loose interest, but a pedophile will keep on truckin') But by comparison, you average murderer gets a very low score. Why is this you ask? The reason is because most murderers are murderers because they killed someone they knew. They rarely repeat offend because the person who pissed them off is already dead. There are of course some people who kill strangers, but they are in the extreme minority and if we're dealing with statistics they don't skew the numbers very much. So given the choice between a low risk of somebody dying and an absolute certainty that someone will die, 38 out of 50 states in the U.S. choose the latter, because ultimately it helps save lives. You follow that? Me neither.

Stemming from this first argument and intimately connected with Herr Bush's down-home sense of fair play is the idea that the death penalty is a valid deterrent. Again, while we're critiquing arguments, this one stinks like a burning house made of dogshit and stuffed with dead chickens. Never, in the history of all things ever, has anyone seriously thought to themselves, "I'm gonna kill that fucker...oh no, wait a minute, we have the death penalty in this state, damn." Not only is this straight-up not true, but the trend suggests the opposite. Curiously, death penalty states have higher murder rates than non-death penalty states, and that is not just within the U.S. When the U.S. is compared to other countries that don't even entertain the death penalty, it starts to become obvious how ridiculous the argument for it is.

There are two other common arguments that the pro-death penalty crowd like to throw around, and I will now lay them bare in all their mindlessness. The first is the ubiquitous "if [the victim] was in my family, I'd want the guy to fry too." Pfarrad was confronted with this inspired piece of logic and I'm assuming he feels the same way about it I do. Just what the fuck are you proposing? That society should make its most important decisions by imagining what it would do in a blind emotional rage? Yeah, let's go with that, sounds good. By extension we should draft traffic ordinances by imagining what we'd want them to be if we were driving drunk. The whole point of a "civilized" society is that decisions about justice and equity are delegated to the collective with the idea that cooler heads will prevail. If we have the luxury of making a rational decision based not only on "morality" but upon economics, statistics, precedent and reason, why then would we choose to abandon all of these and pick what we think we'd want if were grieving and incoherent?

Finally, there are those among us who continue to think that the death penalty is somehow a cheaper alternative to life in prison, as I believe Pfarrad already pointed out, this is a patently false. It is far more expensive to execute someone than to keep them in prison for life because of the enormous cost of the appeals process. But then, I guess the same crowd would argue that we should ditch that, I mean if they're not guilty, why are they in prison...

The Executioner Sings

2005-12-15T14:22:00.000-06:00

So, I’m sitting at this round table eating crab with chopsticks, waiting for the rice to arrive and the other ‘native English speakers’ are all talking about how if it happened to someone in their family, they’d want the guy to fry too. Yet most executions in the

U.S.

are carried out via lethal injection (apart from in Nebraska where they still favour ‘the chair’). I think we got onto the topic because I was ‘putting out feelers’ on their political persuasions and dropped in a tid-bit about China’s favoured method of executing their citizens, executions sometimes carried out in the public square. Our Chinese assistant remained mute throughout our debate maybe out of a fear of criticising the government, maybe though because she agreed with the political line on serious crimes, or maybe simply because the topic of death was considered to be taboo in Chinese society. I mean, the number 4 is considered extremely bad luck because when written, it resembles the Chinese word for death and in a predominantly atheist country where the afterlife is simply not an option I can understand the mortifying terror that talk of death induces.

So there I was, sitting with my fellow ‘high-income, pro-democratic-process country’ compatriots (one American, two Aussies and a Northern-Irelander) feeling alienated, any residue of camaraderie between us due to our common ‘background’ and our correspondingly common vision of a perfect society painfully exposed as misplaced, ill-founded and simply untrue. I knew that 70% of British people supported capital punishment but I for some reason did not. Maybe I had ‘gone European’ after spending years on the continent but then again, I too had been brought up in the U.K. so maybe this wasn’t about cultural background. I hurled my best arguments against capital punishment out onto the rice laden table, waving my chopsticks indignantly at their abrupt dismissal of anything I had to offer, their closed-mindedness like a wall off which my persuasive arguments bounced and fell limply to the floor flapping there like suffocating fish. So I put myself in their ‘hypothetical’ situation to try and understand how such vicious, compassionless attitudes could possibly be defended by seemingly intelligent, ‘civilised’ men (one of them was a Doctor, originally from India, another was a Masters student, the others also university educated).

So my mother is raped, garrotted, drawn, quartered and then eaten by a vicious subhuman ‘criminal’ who is sent to prison but after 15 years is released on good behaviour. What would you do to the culprit?

Interesting quandary. Well, the conviction would have been ‘closure’ enough for me and I would hope that while in prison the ‘homicidal maniac’ would reflect on his actions and hopefully in some meaningful sense come to realise his wrongdoing after which he would repent and spend the rest of his life being tortured by his own conscience, being furthermore a pariah from society unable to ever have a real job, always a suspect, plagued by thoughts of his hideous crime. If this did not happen and he (or she – you never know with women these days – ) did not repent then I would try at least to forgive him and try to understand how our paradisial, hedonistic, fun-loving consumer society could lead someone to commit such hideous crimes. This is not to say that the murderer is a victim – everyone should be responsible for their own actions – but I see a society built on contrition and forgiveness as more utopian than a society built on revenge and hatred which demonises its murderers instead of trying to understand them in order to prevent such events happening again.

Wait, I hear you say, the best way to prevent people from murdering is to provide them with a real deterrent: well, if that was the case then when Canada abolished the death penalty there should have been a marked increase in the number of murders occurring there: there wasn’t. Nor was there in the U.K. when the death penalty was abolished there (incidentally, the last person to be ‘hanged’ in the U.K. was disabled and has since been absolved of the murder to which he was ‘accomplice’).

Which brings us to the U.S. After the milestone 1000^th execution in America (over 150 of which occurred in Texas during George W’s term as governor there) last month since the reintroduction of the death penalty questions were again raised about the ‘effectiveness’ of capital punishment. Furthermore it costs more to execute a criminal than to keep him in jail his whole life so the ‘expediency’ argument is out the window. Moreover, 80% of all those executed were black. To all you racists out there this no doubt proves that blacks are sub-human which therefore, paradoxically, justifies further extermination of this bestial race.

Which brings us to the convicted murderer Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams. If only he had been convicted in one of those 12 states where the death penalty is outlawed then he would still be with us. Of course being nominated for both the literature and peace Nobel Prizes shouldn’t get you off the hook, but 6 years in solitary confinement is surely suffering enough on top of all those years incarcerated. I mean it’s not like in China where the legal process is far swifter. In America the ‘suffering’ of the ‘victim’ is prolonged needlessly for a quarter of a century. In China at least they give you a bullet in the neck and it’s over instantly but in California it takes at least 10 minutes for the heart attack to be induced ‘by lethal injection.’ To me the guillotine seems to be one of the best methods of disposing of the dregs of society and it’s what the Enlightenment was built on so you can’t argue with that. I’m sure if you feel a burning rage deep down in your soul which can only be assuaged by the blood of another then you will at least agree that this blood should be let swiftly and relatively painlessly.

The Chinese though had no Enlightenment and also have no religion so there is therefore no moral law forbidding the death penalty which helps to explain why 90% of all executions in the world take place in China (but then again, one fifth of the world’s population is Chinese). America however is a supposedly Christian country founded on high ideals and the morality of the Holy Book. Or maybe not. ‘In God we trust’ obviously does not mean ‘we trust in God’ as this would mean that surely only God can give life and take it away, or maybe I misread the Decalogue. Or is there a parentheses after ‘Thou shalt not kill’ which states ‘except in the following cases…’? How can the U.S.A. be a bastion of Freedom, if the most basic human right – the right to live – can be taken away? Maybe this is all about interpretation: I obviously misread the 8^th amendment or maybe I simply don’t have a good enough ‘handle’ on American history and the way of life there to criticise this aspect of it so vociferously.

Well, no doubt I am in the minority on this issue (65% of Americans support the death penalty so the executions are not ‘undemocratic’ at least) and I’m all argued out so enough of these idle words, an end to this rant.

Power surge, lights dimming momentarily. Blackout.

Mein erstes Mal

2005-12-14T04:45:00.000-06:00

I just would like to say a few words about my first time in Wien. I didn't know what to expect going into the biggest city in Austria, containing about a quarter of the countries population. Friends have always said how much they liked it, and how there is so much to do there, but what I wound up doing was fine by me. We started out just sipping some Glühwein at one of the busiest Weihnachtsmarkts in the city, at least it seemed to be. I kept on spilling Glühwein all over myself as people and\or strollers kept knocking into me. Nevertheless, I must say that it was the best Glühwein I have ever had, the Punsch I can do without. After that we went to this place called the Centimeter, which was the traditional Schnitzelhaus, where you can get a schnitzel the size of your face and you can still pay with the few coins you have in your pocket. Definitely good eats, conversation, and good bier.
The people that I got to know on the trip were the best part. Lydia and Lee were generous enough to open their doors to a stranger from Wisconsin. It seemed like any topic that would come up, all four of use could go on for hours about anything, just laughing and having a good time. Maria was also a bundle of laughs with all here zany dialect phrases reminding us that we were still in Austria. We had our fun sitting around the table, making wise cracks about Wienerians, aquaintances (the future diplomat), or just enjoying the natural herbs that could be discovered at the local LION cafe. It was definitely a weekend of just sitting back and enjoying each others stories and adventures.
However, der Mistfink and I actually got to squeeze in a little cultural activity around town. We went and saw the Rathaus in the distance of the Hofburg and the Museumquarter, which were unbelievable buildings of the infamous Hapsburgs. We went to the Kunsthistorische Museum and saw the works Francisco de Goya, the famous Spanish painter that worked for many of the kings in queens in Spain and France during the late 1700s and early 1800s. I hadn't been in a museum for awhile so it was nice to indulge the beautiful patterns of light that Gayo worked with. His use of light during his early work inspired the good things of life, like love and companionship, but later on his works became more dark and cynical as did the events in history. He would see the wars and torture going on around him and he used that in his paintings. So looking at his career progress from light to dark really touched me, and I could almost feel what he was going through, especially as I looked at his self portrait as an old man(my favorite painting). You could see the pain in his eyes. It was definitely a great exhibit to check out.
The other thing that I wasn't expecting was going to a lokal called, 1516, and finding my favorite type of bier, the indian pale ale. I guess it is the only place in austria that brews this 'Victory Ale' out of some small town in Pennsylavania, but it definitely was a nice surprise. I try telling my students what a pale ale bier is and they all just look at me like I am crazy. I was literally in heaven at that point. It was definitely good to taste the hops again. That nights was again great conversation with Lydia, Lee, Jared, Todd, and myself just sitting around enjoying each others company. It was definitely a nice way to wind down the trip. The next day we all went our seperate ways, but plans are already in the works for ski trips and adventures to other cities with all these great people I met in Wien. I will definitely be back again, because I know there is much more to see. I'll be back, or as arnold schwaryenegger said last night on television, 'Ich komme wieder', just one quick note, why would you dub arnold's voice for german?

Too many blogs spoil the broth?

2005-12-12T16:41:00.000-06:00

Noun

blog (plural blogs)

Personal or corporate website in which the author writes, as their reflexion on a given subject evolves, their opinions, impressions, etc., so as to make them public and receive reactions and comments about them.

So there it is, even though my spell check objects vociferously by placing a wiggly red-line under the apparent abomination, it is confirmed: the word ‘blog’ is now officially a part of the English language. The abbreviated form of ‘weblog’ has given its name to this website and in a self-reflexive way I intend to hold up a mirror to all you bloggers out there and show you the black-heads under the make-up, the circuits behind the circuit-board, the blog-consciousness that lies beneath.

One might say that our desire to comment on a rapidly changing televisualnetscaped world has found its vent in the blogosphere. One might also say that we few, we happy few, we band of bloggers, have accumulated our musings here like the scum on a sewage worker’s bath tub after a particularly dirty day down the drains. Yes, maybe that is all we have done. Yes, maybe we are the pigs, maybe we are the swine. We are all typing away at our little masterpieces in our cosy swivel chairs feeling smug about our ability to join our words together into nice neat witty rows of sense, our pearled blogs of wisdom shining out at fellow bloggers, reinforcing our sense of self, bolstering our flagging egos, yes! With the mere insertion of a couple of long words we can conceal our dilletantism and with that too can call ourselves ‘journalists,’ ‘social commentators,’ or ‘intelligentsia.’

One might well say a lot of things given the time, the freedom and the creativity, one might even end a sentence with the word ‘yes’ if one were so inclined but all of the above things were blogged by a sceptical blogger blogging away alone in the privacy of his own fourteenth century chateau replete with wine cellar, avocado orchard, Yorkshire terrier, snake pit, delivery room (including operating table and stirrups) and fitted kitchen amongst fine red-soiled fields about 30km west (as the crow flies) of Orange in the South of France overlooking a wilting patch of sunflowers at the bottom of which sits a hunchbacked old man sharpening his scythe, a bestubbled, half-blind fellow who lost both his children in a fire and who is rumoured to have the ability to foresee the future, his name muttered in hushed tones by the locals in the village café alongside an ominous portent about the ‘ides of March’ or whether the rains will come early next spring.

I hope I have made my point. The point, dear reader, is that these blogs are anonymous and so you can blog along without shame, without identity: enjoy the freedom of (relative) anonymity but remember, nobody really cares about you, the blogger, (aside from a select few of dedicated friends and ‘mitbloggers’ – by the way the German word for ‘blog’ is, get this, ‘blog’) they rather care about the content of your blog so do not aim to disappoint. As for myself, I can only apologise for wasting your time like this, blogging away like there’s no tomorrow but now you know: blog is officially a word, both a noun and verb, just please somebody, for the love of Blog tell me, what is the third form of the verb ‘to blog’? I have blogged? What about passive? ‘A blog is written’? or ‘a blog is blogged’? What about ‘a blog is blogged by a blogger?’ My brain hurts: probably something to do with looking at my low-definition computer screen, oh roll on the plasma revolution (so long as no-one gets hurt and the technology is free for all)!

I am gradually running out of steam. One might even say I am ‘blogged out’ if one were so inclined. So I’ll leave you with a few more Shakespeare quotes (updated for the new twenty-first century blogging bard):

Once more into the blog dear friends!

My blog, my blog, my kingdom for a blog!

Friends, bloggers, countrymen, lend me your internet cable

To blog or not to blog, that is the question, whether tis nobler on the net to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous power surges or to take up arms against a sea of bloggers and in opposing, blog them.

Et tu Bloge?

Pardon the Interruption

2005-12-11T22:08:00.000-06:00

Sorry to break the radio silence we've all been enjoying so much here at the Stusie, but I've got five minutes to spare so I figured I'd rap at ya. New developments include two new bloggers from whom we expect big things. Kajenje Ubije has already popped her Stusie cherry and came out swinging with a bunch of rich-girl tripe. Is it just me or are Hummers starting to look more and more like Jeeps with thyroid problems? For the edification of all: Kajenje Ubije does mean "smoking kills" in Slovenian, but in an ironic twist, appears to mean "regretting kills" in Serbian.

Also brand spankin' new to the Stusie is Pfarrad, who sports a wiki page as well as the world's finest "dance edition" Fiat Panda. There is apparently a brand new Panda available after a 2 year production hiatus. This was news to me, since none of you Euro-types give a damn about keeping me up to date on the latest offerings from Italy's struggling auto giant.

Finally, as I'm sure everyone has already heard, a sparrow was killed in die Niederlände for almost knocking over some dominoes. Now as it turns out, it was quite a fuckin' few dominoes, but all the same, I mean, fair play, he almost knocked them. It seems to me that preemption is being applied all across the board these days. Give a sparrow a break, he might've missed 'em. Every cloud has a silver lining however, and by "cloud" I mean "sparrow story" and by "silver lining" I of course mean "ending involving a museum." Everyone can sleep a little sounder tonight knowing that the sparrow in question, (apparently an endangered species) will be displayed at Rotterdam's Natural History Museum.

Kajenje Ubija

2005-12-07T03:55:00.000-06:00

Hallo, Servus, Gruß di, Morgen, my name is Jen and I'm new to this wunderschönes blog! I am the other assistant living here in Irdning with Todd. Just thought I'd let you know who I was and what I was doing around here!
To quickly introduce myself, I'm a 24 year old Sagitarius, I like taking walks on the beach, shopping for shoes and romantic dinners for 2. I'm getting tired of Austrian food and I really miss eating McDonalds everyday and driving my H2 Hummer, which will hopefully, be an H3 when I get home, if I ask my Daddy! I think politics are boring and Todd is a lutz who writes about crap. I can't believe he made me join this blog, I think it was just to show off his writing abilities.
Kajenje Ubije is what is written on packs of Camel cigarettes in Slovenia, Todd, Jon and I believe it means Camels Rule! But it probably has something to do with the fact that smoking kills, but it's got a certain ring that you cannot deny.
I quit smoking 1.5 weeks ago and I'm suffering through some nasty nicotene withdrawls, and I believe my Nicorette gum is giving me some sort of gum disease, because my teeth always hurt now. But, at least I don't smell like an ash tray and I'm less likely to die of a smoking related illness, but living in Austria I shall soon be dead of a 2nd hand smoking disease, but my mom will be so proud and that's all that really matters.
I wish you all a wonderschönes Tag. Thanks for letting me join your blog!
Jen

Der Krampus kämt!!

2005-12-05T05:07:00.000-06:00

The time is 18 Uhr and its the fourth day of Advent. The Krampuslauf is a tradition that goes back centuries, but that has only in recent decades enjoyed a resurgence in popularity. The roots of the Krampus can be found in the tradition of St. Nikolaus. Nikolaus' tradition has also been modified by American Christmas tradition into the übergewichtig, red-suit wearing, slave-elf-driving Weihnachtsmann, or Santa Claus. As with most things, we Americans have managed to pervert the hell out of something.
Anyway, St. Nikolaus is the traditional giver of gifts, and is always accompanied by a sort of train of servants. Among those are angels on the side of god, and Knecht Ruprecht on the side of Lucifer/Beelzebub/Satan/der Teufel. In a way the angels and Ruprecht are meant to symbolize the dichotomy of good and evil.
This tradition in Austria has evolved into a sort of early Advent parade where Nikolaus and his comrades first go to all of the villages' houses. While most European countries have depicted Knecht Ruprecht as a diminutive character with a black face from slaving away in the chimney (maybe loosely connected to our elves), the Austrians have decided that the representation of evil should be a bit more convincing. You see, the idea is that the little kidlets will be much more apt to behave properly if you threaten them with something a bit more frightening than a skinny chap covered in soot. The result is the mighty Krampus, who looks more like a hobgoblin or demigod or demon than a servant. So these much larger, scarier, hairier beasts go from house to house to give ill-behaved children heart palpatations at a very young age. The funny part is, grateful for keeping their little devils in order, the parents of these children award the Krampusse with a shot or three of delicious Birnenbrand or Zirbenschnapps. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that these alcohol-hungry, pubescent males cram as many houses and shots into one evening as humanly possible. As you may already have surmised, this method is a lot more effective than the American 'threat' of coal (which as you can see also comes from the Knecht Ruprecht tradition).
After doing their deed at individual houses, there is then a Krampusspiel, where Nikolaus talks about the importance of being a subserviant and god-fearing child. Then the Krampusse come out again and talk all about how they will decapitate, dismember, disembowel any child that so much as utters a discernable whine or complaint (actually they all have whips made of horse hair or small but painful twigs and they leave cute little purple welts on the kiddies tiny underdeveloped extremities). So after that, they go out into the crowd and whip people indiscriminately, young and old, because they've all been drinking heinous amounts of Schnaps before the festivities and somehow feel obligated as giant, hideous, warty beasts to release some pubescent angst on their parents. The Krampusse are accompanied this time by parade floats from hell: old-timer tractors pulling carts of fire-breathers and cauldrons of hellfire. Bells are ringing, and we here the snapping mouth of the Hobagoaß (see photo rechts). It's almost comical how this event is actually connected to Catholocism, because to me its pretty much the picture of Paganism.
So but while all this is happening I am reminded of the analogy of high school in America: you arrive as a 9th grader, young, inexperienced, and a bit intimidated. The seniors greet you at the door with malevolent anticipating smirks on their faces. They know how things transpire: after years of waiting and enduring the same sort of pain and punishment, it's their turn to denigrate and maltreat the young freshman. Much like the seniors, Austrian adults who have suffered under the hand of the Krampus zealously bring their children to the Lauf, knowing that this little bit of suffering is worth two years of reprimanding and 'corner-time'. It's all part of the beautiful Christmas tradition in Austria. Now let's all go to Vienna and spend all our money, because without our insatiable appetite for consumer goods, everything would promptly come tumbling down.

Red Square?

2005-12-04T23:16:00.000-06:00

Some people are never happy. I wasn't really aware of this, but apparently there's an ideologically fueled international argument about the Red Cross. If you had asked me, I would have had a tough time to come up with a less controversial organization. The problem, as it turns out, is not the organization itself, which everybody seems to think is A-OK, but rather its symbol. That's right folks, the cross is deemed inappropriate in certain areas of the world, and so the Red Cross also operates under the "red crescent."

Israel

however, well known for it's easy-going, "no problem mon" attitude, has long had a problem with both the cross AND the crescent, and so the Magen David Adom Society uses the red star of David. This has never been officially recognized by the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) and so the Israeli society is still not a full member of the Red Cross movement. Now, to finally put everything to rest, the ICRC is meeting to talk about instituting a third official symbol, the red crystal, a stupid hollow red square shape turned kinda sideways. Honestly, does this strike anybody else as lunacy? It's a fucking symbol. The idea is that it's recognizable, and so if you're working to scrape people off the ground, the fuckers who put them there will leave you alone.
And it's not even like the original red cross was supposed to be religious in the first place - it's the Swiss flag inverted, and it's supposed to be a symbol of neutrality. Dumbasses.

Tales of the Inexplicable

2005-12-02T08:48:00.000-06:00

I can't decide if the media is just getting more desperate in their attempts to keep our minds off topics of substance, or if things really are getting stranger, or if I'm just loosing my grip on reality. I know for sure that I've used up all my eloquence for the immediate future on a persuasive brief that is now, thankfully, out of my hands. With that in mind, I'll let the evidence speak for itself by referring to the following stories:

A 15-year-old kid in Nepal is being hailed as the buddha reincarnate what with his not having eaten anything in 6 months. He's been meditating under a tree, and he's not eating or drinking, although he has been bitten by a couple snakes. I once skipped dinner entirely, but I don't see anyone knocking down my door for a blessing.
In far eastern Russia, squirrels are apparently so hungry they've started eating dogs. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that people in China have been eating dogs for quite a while, and they don't seem to mind, plus, dog's gotta be better than nuts, so I don't see the problem here. If I was a squirrel, I'd have switched to dog on principal, so it's probably not fair to assume they're starving. We can now add squirrels to the "killer" list that includes bees, whales, birds, spiders, apes, clowns, robots, aliens, dolls, tomatoes and 50-foot women. Steven King is stoked.
Dubai, in the UAE, has decided that what they really need is a ski resort, so they've built a giant refrigerated building with a slope inside where people can get their ski on. I don't want to be the voice of dissent, especially when skiing is involved, but given that an indoor ski hill is likely to be totally shit, it seems like they could've used the money for something else.
India, not to be outdone by Nepal's prepubesent buddha/hungry kid have a couple of underage celebrities of its own:

There's a 5 year old policeman, forced to carry on the work of his father despite the fact that his main concern should be not going poopy on the floor.
Then, and I'm not making this up, there's a 3 year old marathon runner who runs distances of over 30 miles on a regular basis and has a trainer and has been in commercials and everything. Makes me feel pretty damn lazy, but then again I suppose the same charge could be leveled at Herr Buddha (above) since he's so apathetic he doesn't even eat. Officials are worried that the toddler/long distance runner kid is being exploited and that his antics might be bad for him. Hmm, I don't know about that, Indian Officials! I mean, if it was bad for him, why would he do it? I think decisions like this are best left to the individual infant, don't you?

What I KNOW...

2005-11-30T04:00:00.000-06:00

It's funny, when you actually sit down and think about what you know, it's actually a lot: I know that TODAY is the 30th of November, 2005, one day before December the first. I know that Germany is now building hundreds of BOREDELLOS to appease the voracious appetites of soccer fans around the world. I know that glaciers in the ALPS are receding at a rate of 2 meters per year; that any ski resort under 1000m above sea level will have to make 80 percent of their snow in 15 years. I know that MR. BUSH likes to use the words 'darn' and 'stay the course'. I know what the MATING ritual of a badger looks and sounds like. I know how to make a mean WIENERSCHNITZEL. I know that STILL, only TWO people seem to be writing articles in the Stusie. I know that WIEN, the largest city in Austria, expects up to 1.5 million revellers (who all seem to be carrying unsafe explosives) on the night of the 31st of December, making it one of the crazier events anytime, anywhere. I know that over 40 percent of the population of Zimbabwe has HIV or AIDS. I know that MOLDOVA is, mit Abstand, the poorest country in Europe. I know that certain members of the European Parliament plan to include all countries on the European continent in the EUROPEAN UNION. I know a lot of Austrians who are DEATHLY AFRAID of Turks. I know exactly how many members are in the GERMAN PARLIAMENT (614), and I know how many members belong to the NPD (0). I know that RONALDINHO, a Brazilian, was voted Europe's best footballer for 2005. I know that this year there were three times as many major HURRICANES as in the average year. I know that the typical BRÖTCHEN is rock hard after approximately 7 hours. I know that 15.2 miles is the length of the world's longest TUNNEL, and that it can be found in between Norway's two largest cities, Oslo and Bergen. I know that the FINNISH boast the best secondary schools in the world. I know that CHINA has 50 cities with over 1 million inhabitants, and that it has 8 cities with over 5 million. I know that SINN FEIN has members of parliament in both Dublin and London. I know what a KRAMPUS is. I know that two of Santa's reindeer are named 'THUNDER AND LIGHTNING'. I know that every snowflake is UNIQUE, and that all asian people seem to look THE SAME. You might ask at this POINT, is there any POINT to this post? The answer, I know, is NO. I know that MORMANISM is the fastest growing religion in the world. I know that the longest WORD in any language has 256 letters and I know that this word is, to noone's surprise, a German compound word. I know to LOOK BOTH WAYS before crossing the street. I know that SOCRATES said: all I know is that I know nothing. I know that you're getting sick of reading this, so I know that it's best to quit while I'm ahead. Be an eager Stusie reader if you want to know what I THINK.

CHavEz Guevara?

2005-11-21T04:32:00.000-06:00

There's a new sheriff in town, and he's got a pantload of oil instead of a six-shooter. Hugo Chavez is the proud 'President' of Venezuela, although one would be much more precise in describing him as a South American Socialist Icon than a president. He has made it his personal mission to link all South American countries under one anti-American, anti-capitalist, pro-communist banner, making it no mystery that he wants to send Georgy crying for his mommy by depriving him of his favorite commodity: the bubblin' crude.
Mr. Chavez's newfound popularity certainly stems from his confident, matter-of-fact manner of speaking (just a guess...I don't understand a damn word he's saying), but perhaps more important is the fact that the price of oil has gone through the roof in the last few years, and Hugo is sitting on one of the largest caches of oil this side of the Euphrates. In fact, Venezuela provides over 15 percent of the U.S.'s massive oil needs in addition to being the main provider for Caribbean and other South American nations. Hugo knows that he's got a hell of a large carrot on a stick, and the U.S. is the donkey following it.
Now, in the past this relationship was well and good, because, as with almost all other governments in South America, Venezuela had a leader that more or less did whatever we said. That, and the overwhelming fact that a few years back oil wasn't the high-priced commodity it is now. Venezuela was a frighteningly poor country (and still is) and has few other exports aside from oil. Now we can see why their relationship to the U.S. was a necessity. A few natural disasters and a couple hundred million barrels of oil later, Venezuela has democratically elected Hugo Chavez, who now has the option of a dozen different oil consumers (e.g. China) who are more than willing to pay the same price as the US of A so they can have their fair share of the decadence.
This whole situation would be less than interesting if Chavez was a ruthless dictator who wiped out swaths of ethnic minorities in his country, because then we would simply march in, make a massive bastardized mess of their country and call it Freedom; but the reality is, he is preaching a familiar gospel to a particularly willing choir. Socialist thought has a long tradition in Latin and South America, and really only took a short nap while consecutive U.S. regimes either tacitly or elicitly controlled the political climate. Whether it was the 'drug war' in Columbia and Nicaragua or upheaval in Bolivia, American goevernments in the last 25 years have had their arms elbow deep in the bloody mess of politics south of Mexico, but the spirit of a certain Che Guevara never really died, and Hugo Chavez's fight against the West has been hailed by a huge majority of the populations of all of the countries in the region. In fact, his popularity soared even higher when he produced evidence that the U.S. was secretly planning to off him. Sounds a bit fishy, but who's gonna doubt him when we've done it a half dozen times before?
But that's not all: Hugo Chavez doesn't only consider socialist brothers like Fidel Castro to be his best friends. He is the David to the Goliath of global capitalism, and who better to represent the big, dumb, clumsy Goliath of the Bible than Dubya? In fighting this enemy, Chavez has also enlisted, among others, the help of the Iranians, who in their equal hatred of the Great Satan (a.k.a. Goliath, Dubya) have succeeded in becoming one of the most feared regimes in the world. So to sum up, we have an ardent anti-American Socialist Venezuelan controlling a good portion of the world's remaining oil reserves, allying himself with equally oil-rich and American-hating middle eastern regimes (one of which is potentially close to obtaining nuclear technology), and giving all kinds of ultimatums to boot...whew, that was a mouthful.
The best and the brightest in Washington can clearly observe these developments from their windowed offices, so they obviously are reacting accordingly, right? Hmm...well, I guess the script for the recent Conference of the Americas was completed before they got the memo on Chavez. The U.S. marched on down there, as it often does, and made a plethora of one-sided demands that would ease the American economy and further cripple the farmers and producers of South America. In essence, we politically hot karled them at precisely the wrong time. To be completely honest, I'm kinda scared of Chavez because he's pretty much a power-hungry zealot along the lines of a certain Stalin or Mugabe (another friend of Chavez), but I'm more scared at the reaction of the U.S. government. Everything that they've done in the last year and a half has appeared to be horribly misinformed and ill-advised, and when you combine this with the total embarassment of Bush's recent Asia trip, it looks like the plane has crashed into the mountain. I just hope the Big Lebowski finds me before the Germans cut my dick off.

John Yoo, Berkley's Neocon Asswipe

2005-11-17T22:09:00.000-06:00

Two days ago John Yoo came to the St. Thomas Law School at the invitation of our Federalist Society Chapter. For those who are unfamiliar, the Federalist Society is a conservative/libertarian group that concerns itself primarily with what I would call the traditional republican party platform: small government, states' rights, fiscal conservatism and the like. I emphasized the word traditional above, since today's republicans seem to have completely abandoned such ideals in favor of irresponsible and inequitable tax cuts, enormous overreaching governmental entities and the Orwellian dominance of the federal government. So these Federalists can't be that bad, eh? After all, they should dislike the current administration as much as the rest of the world does, right? Inexplicably, that doesn't necessarily seem to be the case. Apparently they're assholes first, and Federalists second.
Anyway, they invited John Yoo, who I have previously mentioned to speak about "Presidential War Powers." Yoo is a strong supporter of Presidental domination of anything that moves. He has argued that during times of conflict, POTUS can do pretty much anything he wants, regardless of what any international law or Geneva convention might say. The fact that we've previously signed and therefore agreed to be bound by such agreements is moot if we're at war, according to Yoo. I'm not sure if it's dawned on him that these agreements mostly come into play ONLY when we're at war. If he has noticed, he's cleverly omitted that little point from his arguements. Crafty bastard.
In the days leading up to his visit our Amnesty International Chapter organized a superb lineup of speakers, all of whom decried Yoo's work and the effects it has had, not only for prisoners in Guantanimo Bay, Abu Garib and Afganistan, but also for those in the CIA prisions around the globe that we only found out about last week. It was good to see that we have a very balanced student body, with plenty of people interested in taking a strong stand against Yoo's presence.
On the day, I found out that the Federalists had, rather to my surprise, provided an opponent for Yoo, a professor from the U of M Law School, who was supposed to debate the President's ability to declare war. As it turns out, Professor Paulsen, Yoo's opponent, is just slightly less conservative. Not only did these guys not really disagree, but they were friends. It was the saddest excuse for a debate I've ever seen.
Yoo thanked Paulsen, Paulsen thanked Yoo, they complemented each other on going to Yale Law, Yoo plugged his book and then explained why the part of the Constitution that clearly gives Congress the sole ability to declare war is ambiguous. Paulsen got up, plugged Yoo's book, and briefly said that he thought Congress should be the one who declares war, and then added a monfuckingstrosity of a caveat: that if the president, in his role as commander-in-chief, was responding to an attack on the U.S. he could declare war. Now that pretty neatly makes the whole fucking argument an exercise in futility doesn't it? Perfect.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: The New and Unimproved Multi-Kulti Gesellschaft

2005-11-14T04:20:00.000-06:00

http://economist.com/agenda/displaystory.cfm?story_id=5213089
Given that I'm in the former Austro-Hungarian Empire, I thought it would be appropriate for me to remain in the European theater of events and news. My interest was recently peaked by an article talking about Bosnia-Herzegovina 10 years after the Dayton Agreements in Der Spiegel. When I traveled there last year I experienced first hand some the effects of the recent civil war, and learned some of the basics of Balkan history.
First of all, a short and sweet background of recent history in the former Yugoslavia: The death of Tito in 1980 - the communist leader of Yugoslavia from the end of WWII - resulted in a power vacuum that in turn caused a resurgence of ethnic tensions in Yugoslavia. The three main groups - the Bosniaks (muslim), the Croats (catholic) and the Serbs (orthodox christian) jockeyed for land and sovereignty. Like typical 8 year old boys, the three groups grabbed for their favorite cities and land; sure enough, they all wanted the same territory and toys. War ensued, and the Serbs, who happened to have some kick-ass toys on hand (Soviet tanks and a bunch of Mig-28's) camped out on the looming hills and bombed the living shit out of the majority Muslim population below. The Bosniaks, being resourceful people and realizing their military inferiority, pragmatically aligned themselves with the minority Croats (it's interesting to note that the Catholic Christian Croats are allying themselves with the Muslims rather than fellow Christians).
We all know the general outcome of this situation. Billy the Clinton to the rescue: delegates from each ethnic group are brought to, yes, the most unlikely of Accord-signing-locations imaginable, Dayton, Ohio. Seriously, who is in charge of choosing these places, and couldn't they pick a city where there are at least a single Sehenswürdigkeit. Fucking Dayton, Ohio...wow. But I digress. The three groups, all of whom were guilty of various forms of attempts at genocide, were more or less forced, again like a pair of fighting 8 year olds, to shake hands and promise not to gas and slaughter each other, becuase big boys in Europe don't do that any more.
We zoom forward ten years. Today's Bosnia-Hezegovina proudly flies its own flag, and even has its own car sticker abbreviation thingie (BiH). The problem is, it is still a very tense, ununified and poor country when one looks at the structure of legislation, the infrastructure, and the distribution of wealth and people:
As Lee, Cristo, and I drove into the northern part of the country controlled by the Serbians, they laughed at us, asking whether we really wanted to enter the country as Westerners. We reluctantly said yes, and soon found out the purpose of the query. Our Fiat nearly disappeared into the first meter-wide pothole in the middle of the road after crossing the border, then the poor Panda was nearly totalled by the dirty herd of sheep not crossing, but walking along the road. Garbage piles seemed like the norm (along with the smell), and we were perplexed by the fact that nobody seemed to be doing anything in particular. They just sort of sat around, wandered on the street, or carried half-destroyed clay bricks from one place to another. Nothing being built, nothing being destroyed, no markets, no trains. It was a perfect picture of stagnation.
So in post-Dayton Bosnia, the land was divided 49 and 51 percent between the Bosniak-Croat coalition and the Serbians, and a certain amount of autonomy was given to the respective regions. In essence, BiH has two official governments: the one for the whole country and the one for each of the two ethnic regions. Sounds like a typical clusterfuck of an agreement written by U.S. bureaucrats, huh? Well, the Dayton Agreement did succeed in stopping people like Slobodan Milosevic, but seriously dropped the organizational ball as far as establishing a realistic government. Something like 70 percent of the hard-earned taxes of the money-strapped population is used to fund the massive bureaucracy. 70 fucking percent...it almost sounds like the EU. So but that leaves a couple thousand Bosnian Convertable Marks (yep, the Bosnian currency was pegged on the good ol' German mark) to alleviate the adverse poverty, clean up some of the trash that plagues the countryside, and rebuild some of the thousands of buildings that still stand as skeletons all over the country.
On top of all of this, at the same time that the government seems to be completely inept and broke, the Serbians and the Bosniaks are still respectively pushing for their own sovereignty, while neighboring Croatia worries about the fate of its brothers and sisters living among Orthodox and Muslim majorities. Politicians from each side are for now non-violently jockeying for positions of power so that they can corruptly take advantage of the little that there is left to take advantage of. Well, it seems that the Dayton Agreements are about as fantastic as its city of origin. The question now is, how long will the politicians be satisfied with the classic push and pull of "modern democracy" before they decide the mortar and tank are much more effective tools?
I think most important in this issue is that since the war ended, all of us have seemed to have forgotten about this region. We've got more important things to worry about, like the bird flu, some burned out Renaults, and the failure of Brett Favre to throw more touchdowns than interceptions in the past four weeks. Mark my words, this area of Europe that has been a powderkeg since before powderkegs came into existence, will find itself in the Schlagzeilen again fairly soon. Hopefully this time we can find a better place to make the 8 year olds shake hands and make up. (There really isn't any better place to hear a more intelligent and in-depth discussion of this subject, because this is academic and sophisticated as it gets...dammit)

Kansas: Building that bridge to the 16th Century...

2005-11-09T22:51:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday the Kansas Board of Education voted 6 to 4 to adopt new science standards recommending that schools teach specific points that doubters of evolution use to undermine its primacy in science education. The changes also included redefining the term "science" so that it is no longer limited to natural explanations of the world around us. This step is not out of the blue however, it is merely the latest and boldest step forward for proponents of intelligent design. ID, as it is fondly referred to by those bright enough to handle an acronym but too dim to realize what it is they're supporting, is a revamped and sexified version of creationism. The main idea behind it is that much of life on earth, as we have observed it, is too complex to have evolved randomly - enter the aforementioned intelligent designer. Now I'm far from agnostic, but it strikes me as more than a little ridiculous to first point out that something seems incredible (that complex life evolved randomly) and then decide that blaming it all on a highly intelligent supernatural force solves the problem. Backwards bastards.

This is obviously a poorly hidden ploy to slip religion into public schools. The separation of church and state in this country is becoming little more than an ideal to which we once aspired. These are the same cretins who seem incapable of understanding that the idea behind the United States was that everyone was free to have their own beliefs. THEIR OWN BELIEFS. This is not a difficult concept, but it only works if people don't spend all their time trying so sneak little bits of their religion into government institutions.

It's not that there's anything wrong with having faith and/or religion. In fact, I'd recommend it, it brings balance - assuming of course that you're equipped with the intellect to get beyond the Sunday school stories designed to make the concepts accessable. Science and religion can (and have) gotten along well for quite a while, they are not mutually exclusive concepts. Here's a little excerpt Lissi found from the Catechism of the Catholic Church illustrating just that point:

159 Faith and science: "Though faith is above reason, there can never be any real discrepancy between faith and reason. Since the same God who reveals mysteries and infuses faith has bestowed the light of reason on the human mind, God cannot deny himself, nor can truth ever contradict truth."[37] "Consequently, methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific manner and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God. The humble and persevering investigator of the secrets of nature is being led, as it were, by the hand of God in spite of himself, for it is God, the conserver of all things, who made them what they are."[38]

StuSik - The StuSie Musik Review

2005-11-08T13:47:00.000-06:00

The first edition of the StuSie Musik Review is here. I've been listening to an interesting variety of stuff lately, incorporating the various recommendations of a number of people. The one that's been getting the most playtime on the ol' MP3 player is Muse. Now this might be old news to many of you, I'm really not sure how I hadn't heard any of their stuff, but it's not bad at all. They've been compared to Radiohead a lot, but it seems like everything that's halfway decent these days gets compared to Radiohead, so it's tough to know what that's supposed to mean. For example, some people say a band is like Radiohead when they mean it's innovative and fresh and worth listening to, while others make the same comparison when they mean it's unoriginal (because Radiohead did it first) and whiney and miserable.

What that all boils down to, is that you shouldn't listen to other people's opinions about music ... and I think I've just argued this post out of existence. Fuck it, listen to me anyway.
Muse is three dudes, Matthew Bellamy, Chris Wolstenholme and Dominic Howard, who put forth a very acceptable blend of angst rock and electronica. Sounds Radioheady you say? It is. Check it out if you haven't already. I'd recommend the song "Blackout."

Next, Giles brought a group called Lemon Jelly to my attention, and they definitely take the StuSik award for wierdness. They're a London-based dj duo with a semi-crunchy, often-spoken-word-based, electronic sound. They have a few songs that are catchy little tunes behind nursery rhymes and the like. Sounds stupid, and I guess it is a little, but I like it. Check them out.

Finally, for all those Coldplay fans out there, I just wanted to include this link to a great BBC interview with the band about their early days when they were called "Starfish." It's about a thirty minute interview, but is well worth a listen if you've got the time, and lets face it, I'm pretty sure you've got the time. As I mentioned to Morsch in an email a while back, I had the good fortune to see Coldplay in Minneapolis for free and the show was amazing. The alpine show this summer was also good, but as we all noted, very short. They played for almost 2 straight hours at the Target Center and Chris Martin spent a good deal of time talking about the problems they'd been having as a band and that they'd almost broken up several times. Apparently they've put their differences behind them now, and are united once again. Sweet.

City of God? More like Escape from LA

2005-11-07T09:07:00.000-06:00

...And der Mistfink returns with a one-two punch of nostalgia and politics. Seriously though, the situation in Frankreich deserves multiple entries and I'm not about to leave my two (Euro) cents out. The events unfolding in the land of frogs and farmers do call to mind a movie script, but nothing near the quality of City of God. No, I think Kurt Russell's Snake Ripkin would fit in very well at the moment in Clichy-sous-Bois. The proximate causes of this unrest, as der Mistfink correctly points out, are as varied as they are numerous, but several stand out as leading directly to 4,300 burned-out cars (and counting). I had initially assumed that the price of heating oil had finally eclipsed the price of your average Citroen, and so now the Frenchs were going to burn those for warmth, but alas I was mistook. Not only does the reason for all this violence and fire appear to be more indignant and less practical in nature, but it means that it's hugely unlikely they're going to get through the millions of Citroens that have been accumulating all over the country since the '60s. Merde.

Naturally, the proported "reason" behind the more than 10 days of riots was simply the touch-paper for a much larger situation. Something something straw ... something something camel. It was of course unfortunate that two kids were killed, regardless of whether or not they were running from the police. At this point, it really doesn't matter. The anger that has exploded has been building for decades and was brought to a head in recent years by attempts to further assimilate poor French Muslims into a Judeo-Christian French society. I believe I briefly mentioned the headscarf ban in a previous post as an example of right-wing overreaching. The problem now however, is that the reaction to what was certainly an attempt to curtail civil liberties has, in essence, justified the very injustice it was designed to bring attention to. Understand, I'm not arguing for a headscarf ban, or any other measure targeting a specific ethnic, religious or racial group, but what I am pointing out is that rioting and burning all around you doesn't do much for your cause. We've all heard the "it takes a bigger man to walk away" spiel, and we've all felt the deep-seated desire to wade knee-deep in the blood of our antagonizers, but if one is not constrained by any moral or ethical argument against violence, the sheer logic MUST count for something. Just as the U.S. would love North Korea to start making crazy threats, and just as my downstairs neighbours would love me to crank up the "Born Slippy" remix, Europe's neocons have been itching for something like this. A firsthand display of the dangers of mixed societies, a tangible reason to fear those who are different, an evidenciary argument for crossing the street whenever les Miserables come the other way. To be honest, I thought it was going to happen in the ehemalige DDR before it happened in gay Paris. Just goes to show how much I know.
Watch out for LePen and those of his ilk as they break out the "I told you so" banners when this is over. And watch the inevitable draw that their argument will have to the unfortunate working class French who have been caught in the middle of this social and economic squeeze. It's very tempting to hate when your car was burned while you were sleeping for something you had nothing to do with. Although maybe it should be considered a blessing in disguise, after all ... it was probably a Citroen...

Guerre Urbain en Paris: The New City of God?

2005-11-07T07:20:00.000-06:00

After a brief respite from politics, der Mistfink is back on the pulpit to talk about assimilation, immigration politics, and the effect of global capitalism in urban life. The outer regions of Paris, along with poverty-stricken areas of perhaps a half dozen other French cities are aflame, both literally and figuratively. A seemingly insignificant incident, in which two youths were electrocuted during a police chase, has sparked the rage of minority and poor populations throughout France. Over 3,000 cars have burned to the ground, and dozens have been injured. What is the real cause for this frustration, and why has this reaction broken out now?
In starting with the most simple and mundane of the causes for this violence, we need only look to the ministry of the interior, where the Polish-born Nicolas Sarkozy has vowed to don his brass knuckles and single-handedly knock the teeth out of every piece of "scum" living in the now not-so-romantic city of Paris. What he really means is that he wants to rid the city of the troublesome lower classes living in the outskirts, who also happen to be minorities. I find it somehow ironic how the immigrants themselves often seem to be the most harsh on other immigrants (see the policies of the esteemed Mr. Schwarzenegger in California). But obviously, the hardened youth of Paris aren't going to let some skinny-ass white guy in a €1000 suit and a turned up nose call them "scum" without doing anything about it, are they?
But really, calling this the cause for thousands of burned cars, dozens of injured policeman, and the ensuing spread of violence to other French cities is naive. What we're looking at here is a much more deep-rooted problem that has managed to bubble its way to the surface. In order to get to the bottom of it, we have to discuss the idea of urbanism, immigration, and tendencies of capitalism. Let's start with an example: most of us, if not all of us, has seen the film City of God, in which we are put in the middle of the massive ghettos of Rio de Janeiro. The point of this film is not just to make us hate cops even more, but to introduce us to the idea of segregation in a large city. It is an inevitable reality that there are extremely rich and extremely poor people in large cities. There is literally no exception to this rule in the world. Somebody is always polishing the gold-leafed toilets of the executives. The problem is, the rich people don't want the dirty poor people to stick around after they're finished removing the also-stinky shit from expensive toilets; hence, the birth of the ghetto, or slums, whatever you want to call them. In any case, we have this fundamental idea of segregation, where the poor stick together and the rich do anything possible to keep them away, more or less. In the case of Rio, the police are not there to serve and protect, but to sell weapons and drugs to the poor so that they are too preoccupied with in-fighting to plan any kind of 'rebellion' in the city.
So we have this idea of segregation that is seemingly unavoidable. Now let's look back at the specific policy of France with respect to the immigrants, who essentially also represent the poor population. Since the days of colonialism began, France has always been the die-hard, gung-ho assimilators. In other words, they were going to do whatever the hell had to be done to make those savages French whether they liked it or not. In Algeria in the 1800's, this seemed to work alright, until the African people realized they were being fucked over, bound together, and basically caused enough trouble that the French eventually decided to give up the mission. The significance of this historical example is that the French policy basically hasn't changed, though the location has. The millions of immigrants now living in France largely originate from the former colonies, and the French government still has every intention of making these people as French as possible. Banning headdresses, suppressing religion to a certain extent, and tacit or overt use of discrimination are all within the bounds of fair play for the government. The problem is, like in Algeria, eventually you reach a breaking point: people will only quietly tolerate such measures for so long, and when they realize that raising a little hell will get them a little attention, they're sure as hell going to do it (plus its super entertaining to watch an object as large as a Citroen go up in a ball of flames). This then raises the question: what can or will the French government do to stop the unrest, and what will other governments do to avoid situations like those going on in France?
In judging the first responses of both Mr. Sarkozy and Mr. Chirac to the violence, we see that it actually is true that politicians behave like a 10 year old boy whose arch enemy has just set foot on his lawn. Both men have promised to eradicate the causes of this violence, arresting hundreds upon hundreds of people and promising to push these cases through the courts doubletime. Well, congrats, fellas, just toss 'em all in the clink, and problem solved, right? I'm so relieved that politicians these days are so decisive and logical in times of need. Seriously, though, we can obviously see the lack of logic in this response so I won't spell it out.
But for the countries where violence hasn't yet broken out, the responses are much more interesting. In Germany, for example, politicians have called for new attention to immigration policy, specifically in the area of language requirements. The interior minister of Bayern has said that Germany must step up 'integration', as it is called, so that minorities like the huge Turkish population have more of a chance to improve their living conditions. In short, teach them German so they can get quality jobs and make money. A German-speaking immigrant is apparently a happy immigrant, and a happy immigrant doesn't throw Molotov Cocktails, right? Well, once again, this response simply doesn't cut the Muenster. First of all, teaching them German does nothing to eradicate the deep-rooted prejudices that are attached to Turks living in Germany, and second of all, we return to this idea about big cities: there always has to be someone to sweep the streets and occasionally wash the graffiti from the walls of Runzmattenweg. If you overeducate the people you've designated to fill these positions, you're left in a two-fold quandry: there's shit all over your toilet, and the guy that used to clean it is now competing for your job.
If the other countries of Europe (and even the good ol' US of A?!) are going to really tackle these problems, they need to get a little bit more sophisticated than telling the perpetrators to get outta their respective yards. Fifth grade logic doesn't really work all that well in the real world. Urban arpartheid, as the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung calls it, is a reality that will only worsen as the effects of globalisation magnify the current ethnic structure of the world's big cities. Even if we elect people like LePen or Haider who are willing to go to extreme measures to keep the riff raff out, multi-ethnic cities are here to stay, so we might as well start looking for ways to make them work. We either have to take our advice from the Brazilians and arm them to the teeth and get them all so high that they mow each other down, or we have to rethink the idea of assimilation (or integration, as the master euphemists have put it) and go back to the drawing board. Me, I'm getting a car that's made outta the same stuff as those fire-proof matresses. Now that's a solution, if you ask me.

The StuSie Law Review

2005-10-31T21:53:00.000-06:00

I have no intention of boring anyone with tales of law school, but I thought there might be some interest in debating the pros and cons of come issues of actual law both here in the good 'ol US of A and around the world. The topic of this issue of the Stusie Law Review is what's known as "Social Host Liability," and is basically the idea of holding someone civilly liable for the subsequent actions of their social guests. Let me illustrate this with a for-instance:
For instance, say I invite der Mistfink and Morsch over to play cards and have some drinks. A good time is had by all and then they leave and drive home. Morsch gets home without incident, but der Mistfink gets in a car accident and injures an orphan who, as a result, becomes a legless orphan. The question is, can the now legless orphan sue me for serving alcohol to der Mistfink, who caused the accident?
The courts are divided on the issue, with some (New Jersey in particular) saying yes, the majority saying no, and others saying yes if der Mistfink is a minor, but no for those of legal drinking age.
The implications of holding the host liable are not, I'm sure, lost on any of you - it means that any time you give anyone a drink at your place, you're opening yourself up to a potentially massive lawsuit. On the other hand, drunk driving and the like are also enormous social problems and perhaps need enormous solutions.
Basically I just wanted to open this up for comment...

Frühstuck im RioBar

2005-10-30T11:27:00.000-06:00

Greetings Gents.
Since it's Sonntag Morgan where I am for but a few minutes more, I thought I'd throw out a State of the StuSie type post over some Brötchen und Nutella.

Two have joined our ranks, Herr Doktor Jones and the Right Honorable Herr Bork,
Morsch took us on a liver-intensive trip through wine country,
Der Mistfink laid bare the mysterious love/hate Austrians have for Bodie Miller, and
Der Staubsauger left us wondering if he's a communist sympathizer, but in little doubt that he's a shitty neighbour.

In other news:

The ever-beautiful Harriet Miers withdrew her nomination to the Big Bench under the auspices that she was "causing the president to come under fire," but in reality because when she filled out a worksheet for the Senate judiciary committee they sent it back to her saying, "no seriously, fill it out for real."
"Scooter" Libby made everyone proud by stepping up and denying it like a man, but nonetheless leaving the administration one crook short.
As a subcontinent, India had a rough go of it, with a terrorist bombing in New Dehli that prompted police to warn citizens to "stay out of crowded places." Seriously, it's fucking India. Also, a train derailed due to floodwater washing away the tracks and dozens more Indians paid with their lives.
In environmental news, 130 pilot whales took the easy way out on a beach in Tazmania. Tree-hugger hippies blame the Aussie Navy.
And in fake news, man in the Dells is ok to drive according to bar love tester.

International Relations Brought Home

2005-10-29T13:24:00.000-05:00

The world is indeed a small place. Having studied international relations, and being an avid follower of world news, I have come to appreciate at least some of the difficult international relationships that threaten to harsh everyone's mellow. What I never expected however, was to have these relationships recreated before my eyes on a micro level. My building is fast descending into a sort of cold war. It's cold because I haven't snapped yet. Maybe a more fitting analogy is the situation between the U.S and North Korea. Let me explain.
As many may know, the people downstairs don't like noise. I don't make much noise, but they know that I have the potential. They constantly ask me to turn my music down, even when it's at conversation level (and it's never any louder). I have politely complied with every request, but it's pissing me off. We have monthly meetings to deal with the upkeep of the building as a whole and yesterday I received the agenda for tomorrow's meeting which includes the following item:

Reminding people to keep the noise down after 22:30.

This really chaps my ass. They're not talking about weekdays here folks, weekdays I'm supposed to go into blackout mode at 21:00. I'm like Anne fucking Frank up here, terrified that they'll hear me. I'm tiptoeing around in a condo I own for fear of creating a situation of open animosity which would make life very difficult indeed, and they keep pushing me.

So, to return to the IR analogy, I am North Korea. I have a big stereo, I haven't hidden it, and everyone knows I have it. I do not, however, use it. The people downstairs are the U.S. Admittedly, they've done much of the leg work for the building association including getting the gutters cleaned, the landscaping taken care of, etc. Sounds good, right? Wrong. I think the main reason they've done this is because they don't trust anyone else to, and also, nobody else has the time/energy. Lissi and I work very hard and we're up late a lot. Having said that, we're also almost always the first people out of the building in the morning when I take her to work at 05:45. The U.S. downstairs work cushy 9-5 jobs and have nothing better to do with their time than find things to bitch about. Plus North Korea's stereo scares them. They're terrified we're going to turn it up, so they keep trying to push these rules on me. 21:00 on weekdays. 22:30 on weekends. Pushing, pushing, pushing. But one of these days, and it may well be tomorrow, North Korea's going to snap. I don't even want to blast the stereo, do they have any idea how fucking busy I am? But they've pissed me off so much that I think I might, just to spite them.

Of course that's exactly what the U.S. wants. They want North Korea to snap, turn up our stereo and show the world that we are exactly the sort of trouble-makers they've been saying we are all along. Hell, that might even justify a pre-emptive war. I think the U.S. has some troops left that aren't dead yet, why not? Ok, now I'm just bitching about Iraq.

What a monfuckingstrosity of a problem that's turned into. Odd eh? Who could possibly have realized that our WMD Easter-egg-hunt turned Nation-building exercise would result in such a mess? 2,000 U.S. soldiers dead, that's 2 every day since we started. Not to mention more than 30,000 Iraqis. They voted on a constitution though, so I guess they came out ahead. I mean, the country's in shambles, the economy's in ruins, they can't walk in the streets for fear of dying and they're occupied by a foreign force not large enough to keep the peace but too large to be ignored by those that resent their presence. Oh, and we're not leaving any time soon, but don't worry, reinforcements aren't coming either. I mean first they tell us not to invade them, now they don't want us there, make up your minds, jeez...

Lets not forget that we're supposedly spreading democracy to those parts of the world too corrupt to adopt it themselves. At least that's the second reason they gave us, after the Easter-egg hunt turned out to be a bust. Nice work fellas, let's show 'em what freedom is all about. As it turns out, freedom according to the clowns we've got in charge is leaking the names of covert operatives, money laundering and crooked campaign financing. Yee haw...

Ok, I think I feel better now, sorry about that.

Schifoan, anyone?

2005-10-25T05:11:00.000-05:00

Here's a little tidbit for those 200-some odd countries that don't give a rats patoot about world cup skiing. We Austrians and quasi-Austrians love watching skiing on television (whether we like it or not), mainly because there are two Austrian channels creatively named Österreichischer Rundfunk Eins und ORF2, and in nearly 14 months spent in Austria I have yet to see a program on the latter that wasn't either live coverage of parliament (seriously, what could they possibly be debating?), New regulations on Lederhosen length or a Ziehharmonika contest. Long story short, if the weather sucks on the weekend, we have no choice but to familiarize ourselves with the likes of Hermann Maier (a.k.a. the Herminator), Benjamin Raich (not to be confused with Reich), and of course our American hometown hero, Bode (pronounced Bodee) Miller!
Upon arriving in Austria, I was quizzed about my Bode Miller knowledge, and as you might expect it was nil. It turns out that he's a pretty decent skier from Vermont, or one of those other little tiny states over there, and he actually managed to dethrone the Austrians last year in the World Cup. Needless to say, Bode is now a superstar in Austria while remaining completely unknown in the good ol' US of A, where we idolize more interesting sports stars like Bart 'the pill' Farve and Jesse 'the Body' Ventura. Fighting against Bode is a host of Austrian stars that capture the hearts and minds of all Austrians (even those city folk in Wien), a titan of a Mannschaft that masters the technique and mechanics of skiing to the tiniest detail while the pesky American always finds a way to improvise his way down the slope.
This weekend, the 2006 ski season began with a bang at Hochsölden, a glacier in Tyrol. The jubilant crowd hoped that someone would finally reassert Austrian superiority in the Giant Slalom as Miller raced to the best time in the first run. Hopes seemed to be dashed...but hark...who lurks in the background, with his ape-like brow and forceful Austrian bellow? It's the Herminator! Back from injury for the hundredth time, skiing through the pain, and racing to a tearful first place finish in the first race of the year! Hip hip hoor...ok, who am I kidding, nobody cares anyway, so just watch the fucking olympics in Turin and call your skiing viewership good for the next four years.

Die Weinstrasse and Hash

2005-10-24T03:19:00.000-05:00

Also, here is my first attempt at the blog and I will try to be as witty as my fellow Staubsauger and as politically/grammatically correct as my fellow Mistfink. However, I am letting you know already that I will probably fail at both, as Mistfink has already corrected me on my Blog name, saying that it should be Der Morsche instead of Morsch, but what he didn't know was that I was going for the adjective instead of the title, du Mistfink du...
Anyway, back to the Wienstrasse. This past weekend I had the chance to take a trip down to eastern Austria with a group of people in Graz known as the AAP, which stands for American-Austrian Partnership or something, but all it really is a bunch of crazy ass brits drinking until they are puking out the side of their car on the drive home after a good 16 hours of drinking. All and all there was about 45 of us that went, but it was a few Americans, some Austrians, and shit load of English people. The group was set up to help austrians and english speaking people meet up and help work on their english, however this weekend was not about the english. We started off with a traditional orientierungslauf, better known as a Hash or Hashing. It was my first time hashing I must say that it was pretty pointless. Some one sets a course out marking the path with flour and then the big group has to follow the same path saying "ON ON" as they reach the markers. Some people run the course while others just follow behind slowly waiting for the other runners to tell them where the path is. I for one ended up walking the path, but I ended up being one of the people that finished first, go figure. I guess it was fun, but it was only a filler so that it doesn't seem like that the whole weekend is intended for drinking until the sun comes up. But as soon as the race is over the other race starts, the down downs. Basically a down down is a speedy way to drink the ever potent wine of the region known as Sturm. Which is only around for about six weeks or so. People say that you should drink more then three glasses of it, but these rules don't apply to the British. They sing songs and basically make everone down about three cups of this Sturm leer, before anyone can even go into the Buschenschank to eat there well deserved meal. Needless to say, the Sturm came faster then the wonderful Sturm und Drang period of literature, thanks AYF english teacher whom I already forgot your name and that der Staubsauger wanted to einfach ficken. Nevertheless, the Sturm was great and I spent my time talking to this Austrian girl, whose english was so good that I originally thought she was english. I guess some things never change. All and all, the weekend was great and I encourage everyone to go on a Weinstrasse if they have a chance, but you could skip the Hash, no not the real hash. However, it doesn't even come close to the ever famous Weintag in der StuSie. Servus!

Look Left, Look Right, Look Left Again - and prepare to be hit from The Right.

2005-10-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

Ah, how quickly the mighty can fall. And I'm not just referring to the subject of the eloquent Mistfink's latest tirade, but rather the fact that my dominance over the blog has been snatched out from under my nose. It is now I that ride the proverbial coattails of another. Something something hoisted...something something petard. But nomatter, on with the bitching...

As tempting as it was to simply take the topic of Sadam's trial and run with it, I have chosen instead to direct my literary ineptitude squarely at the extreme right. What are those reactionary rascals up to now you ask? Burning books? Banning head-scarves? Oh, would that it were my friends, would that it were. At least Orwellian steps such as those are overt and cause even the most apathetic among us to indignantly raise their heads from the feed-trough of popular culture long enough to question their wisdom. No, what we're dealing with now is something much more sinister and secret - organization. I'm referring specifically to the extreme right in Germany, who have decided to take full advantage of the potential political deadlock afforded by the grosse Koalition to truly get their collective shit together.

What's all this alarmist nonsense you ask? Rubbish you say, the election results prove that the NPD poses no real threat to German politics, they won only 1.6%. But as ever the devil is in the details. True the 1.6% showing is far from the 5% that would fling the doors of the Bundestag open to the ideological heirs of the ehemalige Reich. What the election has delivered to the NPD however, is a shaky coalition that will take so much effort, care and attention to move in any direction at all that enemies of the status quo are free to conduct themselves as they will. But don't take my word for it - you can read it straight from the horse's mouth.

These bastards have even taken to distributing CDs of hate-music to kids in high school. The idea is to use youth culture to forward the ideals of the NPD in the next generation. The CD is called "School Yard" and it's not just being distributed in Germany either. The Anti-Defamation League has issued a press release warning parents and administrators of the disc, and as much as I hate to align myself with parents and administrators, I think we have a duty to at least be aware of this shit. The record company that distributes said hate music is called...wait for it...Panzerfaust. Yup, they're subtle too. Tracks from this latest compilation release, no doubt designed to bring forth xenophobic fervor within even the most open-minded of adolescents, include:

Bound for Glory: "Hate Train Rolling"
Brutal Attack: "Under the Hammer"
Bound for Glory: "Teutonic Uprise"
Before God: "The Last Line of Defense"
Final War: "The Nationalist

And my personal favourite...

Aggressive Force: "Might is Right"

In other rechtsextremismus news, Toledo, OH, a city that is of course synonymous with hate to anybody who knows it, was the site of a riot last Saturday when white extremists identifying themselves as the "National Socialist Movement," attempted to stage a march in a "mixed" neighbourhood that they claim suffers from a gang problem. Contrary to popular belief however, it turns out that a white supremacist's march does not always alleviate a gang problem. In fact, and this will blow your freakin' mind, it can actually exacerbate the issue. Whodathunkit? The "gangs" of the aforementioned "problem" showed up en masse when they heard about the proposed march and voiced their disgust at the group's intolerance and anti-social ideals by smashing the windows of a gas station, throwing bricks and rocks at police resulting in a dozen injured officers including one who narrowly escaped with her life when a brick came through her cruiser window, and looted and torched a local bar. Nice. Really, really nice. In the immortal words of Tom Tucker, "thanks for setting your people back a thousand years." Now if they'd seen how Freiburg handles those assholes, maybe that'd give 'em pause. Prolly not though.

A New Exercise in Hypocracy

2005-10-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the United States' latest minion, the 'democratic' Iraq, began the court proceedings in what will most certainly trump the seemingly untrumpable O.J. Simpson case as the trial of the century. What could possibly be more entertaining for world television audiences than a former football star run amok with a dull hunting blade and a pair of cheap undersized driving gloves (not to mention porn stars, alleged bisexuals, an obviously lesbian prosecuting attorney, and shit, a low-speed Bronco chase!)? Well, Sadaam, you've outdone The Juice by best-exemplifying the characteristics of the biblical anti-christ, mowing down your own kind while also ushering in the renaissance of the terrible weaponry of World War I. Moreover, the scary black beard and the brash rhetoric is simply more marketable than Putin's classy, suit-wearing, under-the-table brand of despotism, and come on, who else has the cajones to order the execution of their own family members over a tasty cous cous and hummus breakfast. Only you, Mr. President, have earned the right to be front and center on the world's legal stage.
Yes, in the first day of the trial, Sadaam, perhaps expectedly, claimed to still be the rightful President of Iraq, and also rebuked the newly-appointed, obviously U.S.-friendly judges for being traitors to the Iraqi people. After all, Sadaam was forcefully removed from power by an unjustified invasion, right? Let's be straight, I think we all know and agree at this point in time that Mr. Hussein is indeed a huge horse's ass, and that he is perhaps one of the most ruthless and deliberate tyrants of our time. What I think many people overlook, however, is that there is in effect very little difference between what Hussein exacted upon the Kurds and various others, and what our esteemed Mr. Bush and several other world leaders have less deliberately done to countless others in much more diverse corners of the planet. The way I see it, the only difference is that we 'Westerners' have constructed such a complex clusterfuck of a bureaucracy around our power structures that it is all but impossible to assign any sort of blame on any individual (AOL keyword: US Army and torture). Furthermore, our current esteemed administration (and a handful of administrations before) have systematically made the various media their bitch, resulting in the fact even liberal media reflect the fact that the U.S., for example, indeed has good intentions, even if we sometimes are a blundering moron of a world superpower.
Following this vane of thought, I watched excerpts from the beginning of the trial yesterday and thought: so we want to convict good ol' Sadaam the anti-christ for knocking off a few thousand pesky Kurds, whilst the American troops are trigger-happily strafing central-Iraqi towns for thousands of stray Sunni's that just might possibly maybe perhaps be harboring thoughts of support for their former leader. The point is, it really doesn't matter whether a murderer uses poison gas or a tomahawk cruise missle, and it doesn't matter if your inner purpose is to maintain stability by offing those who oppose you, or if you 'free' a country with the goal of lowering oil prices by mowing down civilians. The Iraqi judges certainly have the evidence and support of the world to convict Mr. Hussein. In fact, it seems laughable that they even want to systematically examine the evidence; but if we as onlookers decide that Sadaam should hang, then we have the obligation to look more carefully at our heavily bureaucratized system of foreign policy and see that the rhetoric of 'freedom' and 'democracy' is about as believeable as Michael Jackson on the stand claiming he didn't diddle Macaulay Culkin. This trial is just another example of the winners writing history and being the ultimate judges in whose wrong is wrong, and whose wrong is right. Let's just hope that over one tyrant's dead body we can recognize our own great hypocracy.

Der Mistfink, der Leseratte

2005-10-17T08:35:00.000-05:00

Holding on for dear life to the coattails of Herr Staubsauger (proud publisher of exactly 75% of all StuSie posts), I thought I would enter the critiques and reviews market, but not in the realm of moving pictures; rather, I derive great pleasure (and, of course, heaping spoonfuls of disgust) in the world of the written word.
My current situation as an employee of the esteemed Austrian Department of Education has afforded me, shall we say, a more than average amount of time to devote to devouring books like a super-obese Wisconsinite gorging themself with a basket of deep-fried cheese curds. And devour books, I have, dispatching Hesse, Hemingway, and Dostoyevsky while still having ample time to master the idiosyncracies of snowboarding in fresh powder.
That said, about one month ago I embarked on my most recent literary odyssey, "Quicksilver" by Neal Stephenson. And an odyssey it is: at 900 pages and approximately 5 kilograms, this historical novel not only substitutes as a paper weight, it also doubles as a blunt object, to be used on insolent students and charging dairy cattle. But that's not all: this hulk of a book is only the first of three episodes of a much larger epic called the Baroque Cycle, which in total exceeds 2600 pages. At first, this fact made me think two things (in no particular order): 1. Neal Stephenson is a man with nothing better to do than sit at his word processor of choice and expel horrendous amounts words more or less at random from his Metamucified asshole, and 2. By god, I've got to read this trilogy, if not so that I can say I read a series that has damnnear as many pages as Proust's seven-volume "In Search of Lost Time", than to somehow occupy the 153 hours a week that I'm not working.
Well, exactly 812 pages into the 900 page 'Quicksilver', I can honestly say that Stephenson has managed to create a historical novel that takes place before the 19th century that isn't as boring as Angela Merkel. In fact, Herr Stephenson has taken legendary characters like Isaac Newton, Gottfried Leibniz, The Sun King Louis XIV, Robert Hooke, Christian Huygens, and William of Orange and given them new life and personality. In following Stephenson's fictional characters Daniel Waterhouse, Jack Shaftoe and Countess Eliza we participate first hand in events like the first Royal Society of England meetings, the siege of Vienna by the Turkish horde, the death of Charles II, and the invasion of England by William of Orange. In addition to all of this, Stephenson is deft enough to stitch in his own fictional events to spice up Europe's 17th century (as if the Plague, the 30 Years War, the Glorious Revolution, and knickerloads of imperial intrigue weren't enough).
Tersely expressed, 'Quicksilver' is a bombardment of factual accounts and fictional adventure whereby the reader is kept on his toes while also learning about one of the most complex historical periods in world history. Indeed, during this time Europe first began exploring the world of investment, imperialism, drastic scientific developments, and generally improving their ability to exploit the living hell out of anyone living on a continent beginning with the letter 'a'.
Languagewise, the book sways between old-school English and modern prose, which sometimes seems a bit strange and annoying, but in general is a good way of giving the reader the feel that he is in a geniunely old setting without inciting the boredom of, say, Charles Dickens or Thomas Hobbes. So in the case that any of you find yourselves in the situation that you barely have to do any work at all, and the snow isn't yet ideal for skiing or snowboarding, and that in general you have nothing whatsoever better to do, than goddammit, read 'Quicksilver' and get smarter...and stuff.

Im Kino mit Stefan Staubsauger

2005-10-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

Ja Haaaallo, ich bins: der Staubsauger, der Stefan.
I don't actually get to the Kino very much, given that it costs more to go see a big studio film that it does to produce many independent ones, but somehow I manage to catch some releases nonetheless. Lately I've seen March of the Penguins and Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story. La Marche de l'empereur as it was known au François, is all about how penguins, the world's wierdest fish, undertake an annual hike across Antartica to have sex and make more penguins. Apparently they choose to do this because the ice is thicker further inland and the babies don't fall in the water when it gets melty in the summer. Because of the time involved and the distance they travel, it means that the mom and pop have to take turns starving and freezing. So, to recap: emperor penguins have it tough. They walk for weeks on end across the world's largest desert without stopping so that they may spend months on end standing out in the wind in the middle of nowhere during the antartic winter without food. Despite all this walking they are poorly built for bipedal locomotion. They are considered birds but cannot fly. When they're not undergoing their miserable parade (that's probably a redundancy since I have yet to see a parade that wasn't miserable) they live in the ocean but they cannot breath underwater. Penguins are nature's most massively inconvenienced creature. That's basically the take-home message in this flick.

The Family Guy's recent foray onto the silver screen entitled "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story," is a basically a 90 minute episode of the show. I'd heard mixed reviews before I saw it, but I have to say I thought it was pretty good. You kinda hafta give 'em a break since it would be almost impossible to keep up the show's pace for that long and still deliver the number of laughs per minute we're used to. Given that, I'd say it's definitely worth seeing since Family Guy is right up there with the best shows on TV and the movie is certainly better than most of the tripeHollywoodd is churning out.
The main advantage to the movie over the show is that they could cut loose the swears and the innuendo, and that they most certainly did. It's a little disarming to see the now familiar characters throwing around the expletives like Dennis Leary, but pretty damn funny too. The best part is most certainly the weatherman with the "adopted pet of the week" segment. It's pretty fast, so you might miss it if you're still laughing at something else, but it's classic. In sum, meine Meinung nach, check it out for sure.

One last piece of entertainment news I want to mention grabbed headlines on CNN.com yesterday, cementing that outlet's already solid reputation for furthering the decline of actual journalism by pandering to the American People's lowest common denominator - the hunger for celebrity gossip. In this case, I use the term celebrity very loosely indeed. In fact, the so-called news had to do with the dude who wore the Chewbacca suit in Star Wars. The guy in the wookie outfit. Seriously, what the fuck?
According to the article, he married some Texan and has now become a U.S. Citizen. Apparently Chewie was until recently British, which is odd because as I recall his teeth were fine but the amount of hair always led me to believe he was Italian. How this qualifies as news worthy of international dissemination I have no idea. Perhaps the only thing of note is that this guy somehow manages to be uglier without the space monster costume. Chewbacca always looked like an animated version of something fished out of a giant shower drain, but this dude isn't TV ugly, or even Walmart ugly, he's circus ugly. Now that, I suppose, is newsworthy.

Turkey: The giant impoverished Muslim nation that could

2005-10-12T22:00:00.000-05:00

One of the most interesting developments in European politics in the past month has been the successful opening of EU accession talks with Turkey. This is an unbelievably big step, in what direction remains to be seen. Personally I've always been a European Federalist at heart and I have always viewed enlargement as both a necessary and inevitable part of the overall Federalist plan for Europe. There are those who do not share my enthusiasm however - I'm looking at you Osterreich - and those that appear to on the surface but harbor deep-seated skepticism just below their progressive exteriors. To be fair, the number of Europeans who oppose Turkish membership is both large and geographically disparate. While Austria certainly made a lot of people hold their collective breath on October 3rd, their concerns are echoed all around the continent. Valery Giscard D'estang, the former French president is one high profile opponent who is of the opinion that Turkey's admission would spell the end for Europe. I am of the opinion that he has a girl's name and the balls to match. Seriously, sack up Valery, Europe has been in a constant state of flux for as long as people have bothered to keep track of things like flux. Honestly, this is a man who fought with the French resistance during the Zweite Weltkreig, and now he's arguing that letting Turkey in to the common market would ruin the beautiful thing that France and Germany had going. Not bloody likely.
In fairness however, there are of course very real and solid arguments against Turkish membership. The big one that gets kicked around all the time is the fact that it's a Muslim country. This much is true, and what's more, the conservative government that has done so much to push, pull and drag the country down the path to accession has a very real and potentially scary theological bent in the Islamic direction. Just look at the recent (thankfully unsuccessful) attempt to criminalize adultery. I mean, getting stoned and cheating on your spouse as a result is one thing, but the other way around, now that's HARSH. Luckily, public outcry has tabled that issue at least for the time being.
Another reasonable argument against Turkei is that it's big and poor. The big part is worrisome because at current population growth rates it would overtake Germany as Europe's big papa as soon as 2020, giving it a lot of sway. On the other hand, its size could potentially help restore the EU to a more even collection of big and small states. It started as 3 big and 3 small, but now it's more like 6 big and 19 small. The fact that it's poor is of course a concern since nobody likes sharing, least of all the French. I mention the French not just because they stink like onions, which of course they do, but because Greg is at least part French now. Seriously though, the French have always been greedy about the CAP and it's unfuckinglikely that they're going to want to give a giant largely agricultural country like Turkey anything like their fair share of the bloated subsidy program that is the common agricultural policy. The majority of Turks however, claim to be much more interested in availing themselves of foreign direct investment than of handouts from Brussels, but time will be the test of that.

There are also very good arguments for Turkey as an EU memberstate, and potentially the best one stems from the very fact that tops the list of complaints. Turkey's identification as a Muslim nation would give the EU a certain "diversity club" feel that it's currently lacking. This is Europe's big chance to show The West (although I'm not referring to any hegemony in particular) that the Us/Them divide does not actually fall neatly along religious lines, as convenient as that would be.
Another possible advantage to Turkish membership would be that it would make it much harder for any one country to hijack direction of the group. I must admit however, that hijacking has historically been the only way to get anything done, and close to equal representation and authority could have Weimaresque repercussions.

What I really wanted to talk about though, was the effect that the new groβe Koalition could potentially have on the Turkish expansion. Ms. Merkel, along with having all the charm of a red wine hangover, is predictably not a big fan of the whole idea. With her in the hotseat, Germany could well join Austria and throw a big loud naysayers dance party teif im Hochschwarzwald. Let's hope that good old Gerdy (who himself has doubts about Turkey depite his pro-expansion rhetoric) can keep her in check. Until then we'll just have to hope against hope that Angela keeps her clubbing pants in the closet along with her jockstrap.

The New Democracy in Europe?: Who Needs a Majority Anyway?

2005-10-12T06:07:00.000-05:00

We Americans have lived under the fantastically stable umbrella of a two party system for well over a century, only occasionally being inconvenienced by such characters as the wrinkly Ralph Nader and Ross Perot, for whom no description is necessary. In any case, these rebellious third party candidates have always failed to make more than a ripple in the sea of American bipartisanship, and we have always been 'blessed' with administrations with an absolute majority mandate.
That said, we Americans have looked on curiously (and sometimes with fear) as long-standing communist, radically conservative, and tree-hugger parties have persisted in many European countries. Many of these parties have also managed to gain multiple parliament seats, and some have even managed to obtain places of relative power in certain regions. It is in fact rare in countries like Europe that a party achieves an absolute majority and is able to govern without the help of another party (the most recent government in Germany is the red-green coalition) In the recent national elections in Germany, we see that the two main parties are back in power, but that this power has been given to them by the voters strategically with a caveat the size of the Schwarzwald. But first, a digression:
Success of non-mainstream parties was best exemplified in Weimar Germany, where public unrest and discomfort (in the form of people hauling wheelbarrowfuls of Reichsmarks to the grocery store for a loaf of bread) led the people to support extreme parties in increasing numbers. We all know the result of the ensuing power struggle: something something Reich, something something Arbeiter Partei. But what is in many ways much more interesting than studying Nazi Germany is studying the current situation in Germany, where people are experiencing increasing levels of discomfort again (though there are not yet any wheelbarrows in the streets, about 13% of Germans are now facing unemployment, and the deficit continues to balloon, among other things).
In the last three years, the German Socialist Party (SPD), led by Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, has watched their political stock take a severe nose dive, losing dozens of regional and provincial governments and seeing approval ratings of the previously popular Schroeder plummet. Now, a political party losing favor among the population in the face of economic and social hardship is nothing too groundbreaking, but the results of the election three weeks ago are. The SPD and coalition partners the Greens were practically clearing their desks out at the Bundestag and in the Kanzleramt months before the election, preparing it for the power transfer to the Christian Democrats (CDU) and the Liberals led by Angela Merkel.
What ensued was an electoral curveball, and the CDU/CSU was the blundering batter that watched the ball slap into the catcher’s glove. The results showed the SPD and CDU neck and neck, while the Greens and FDP hung back with increasingly small percentages of the vote. Neither the CDU nor the SPD could muster an absolute majority, even with the help of their accepted partners, the FDP and the Greens, respectively. There are many reasons for the Ruckschlag of the Socialists after such a disastrous few years previous: Angela Merkel, for example, is about as charismatic as Ralph Nader on a near-fatal cocktail of barbiturates, and Schroeder’s ability to talk circles around debate opponents has been acknowledged by virtually all Germans.
In any case, these are only proximal causes of the SPD’s at least temporary return to favour. At work here is a much more widespread phenomenon emerging in European democracies: that of strategic voting. Now, most people would aver that the result of the recent German elections, a grosse Koalition of the two large parties, is the same as a political deadlock (much like the situation in the U.S. when the President is from one party and the Congress is controlled by the other). The German government, however, is structured differently: instead of one party ‘controlling’ the legislative arm of the government and another controlling the executive, in the German system the two parties in a coalition must divide up the ministers, chancellorships and parliament seats amongst themselves. In this election, for example, the CDU succeeded in negotiating Ms. Merkel’s way into Schroeder’s position. In return, however, the SPD receives 8 of the 14 minister positions.
So what’s the point, you ask? Well, if we look closely, we see that what would be a deadlock in the American system is actually mutual responsibility in the German system. Because both parties lay claim to policy-making positions in the government (the SPD controls foreign policy while the CDU has the secretary of state), they are both equally responsible for the progress made, or lack thereof, that results from the coalition. The voters, in more or less forcing the two giants in Germany to work together, have laden the parties with the huge responsibility of reversing negative trends, lest they both fall into the same trap as the democratic parties in Weimar Germany. We can only speculate what will happen if the situation worsens and people start busting out their wheelbarrows and wreaking havoc in the streets of Berlin, but we know for sure who will be responsible if they do.

Politics raises its ugly head

2005-10-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

Although I have been traditionally unconcerned by the stereotype of lawyers being opportunistic money-grubbing assholes, my recent bid to join their ranks has given me cause to address it. The first two months of school and the first battery of exams almost complete, I was beginning to feel that the label was undeserved. Then I learned about an impending visit of a Berkley law professor and realized that, at least in some cases, they're evil too.
It came to my attention when I found out yesterday that Professor John Yoo is scheduled to speak in the atrium atschool. The topic is "Presidential War Powers and the War on Terrorism." My naive Madisonian outlook led me to believe that this gentleman was coming to expound on the administration's atrocious overstepping of the legal limits of their power. As it turns out however, John Yoo is one of the world's biggest assholes. Not only is he at least partially responsible for the aforementioned overstepping, he's fuckin' proud of it.
In his former capacity with the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel, while working for Alberto Gonzales, Yoo was one of the chief authors of a series of internal legal memos known, now that they've been leaked, as the "torture memos."
These memos basically "advised the President that he had almost unfettered latitude in his prosecution of the war on terror. For many years, Yoo was a member of the Federalist Society, a fellowship of conservative intellectuals who view international law with skepticism, and September 11th offered an opportunity for him and others in the Administration to put their political ideas into practice."
They were the driving force behind the massive expansion a program known as "rendering," a covert operation that involves taking foreign as well as U.S. citizens that are considered to be politically questionable and secretly moving them to custody in a nation that "does not restrict methods of physical and psychological persuasion." Fucking Torture.
Almost 150 people have apparently disappeared in connection with this nice piece of policy since 2002. At least one has come forward and described being taken onboard a private plane to Syria, where he was beaten within an inch of his life every day for several months.
And this is all part of the plan for our distinguished speaker. I guess that's one of the dangers of going to school somewhere that has a federalist society. We have lots of other folks to mind you, who plan to show up to greet Mr. Yoo and let him know that he is not welcome here.
For more information on rendering and the charming Yoo, check out the following link. For the top 50 worst hairstyles of all time, which is much funnier, click the second one. Peace.

The New Yorker "Rendering" Article

50 Worst Hairstyles of All Time

Welcome to the StuSie.

2005-10-11T17:01:00.000-05:00

Ok, so here it is, the barely anticipated blog we've talked so little about. Let the time-wasting begin...